Amy Venezia

 

 

 

I was invited to a party.

 

 

I walked through the door of the penthouse with a half feeling of dread, rising to the surface from the boiling pot of presumption and stereotypical thoughts swirling around in my mind.

 

 

My best friend looked at me and said , “ Uh, I think we are in pre-baby boomer land.”

 

 

I swallowed and replied back, “Pre- baby boomer my ass. We are in the land of Pre-nupers!”

 

 

20 something’s that are living off of trust funds in multi million dollar penthouses where the paintings on the walls are enough to make a mature art collector salivate- yet the owner is on the couch showing off his highest score on the latest video games- not the art collection.

 

 

I walked out on the balcony and just did what I do best…

 

 

I observed the sea of people before me.

 

 

I watched as the 20 something girls, who strangely enough all in some way resembled each other. Even though there were blonde’s(mostly), red heads and brunettes.

 

 

I watched these girls with there thousands of dollars of accessories and their hair tossing and their spray on tans…

 

 

I looked at the handbags and the shoes and the designer clothing-

 

 

And I thought to myself, what does this remind me of?

 

 

I was not being judgmental, only taking an honest observation of the scene I found myself in. I like my handbags, shoes and accessories too.

 

These girls had everything you could possibly need to be “hot” or be the center of attention. Minus one attribute.

 

 

Mystery.

 

 

Not one of them had that mystique that captures men and stops them in their tracks.

 

 

Not one of them had the perfume of intrigue that you can pick up from across the room on a sensuous woman.

 

 

I pointed that out to my friend. She agreed.

 

 

Again I asked myself what does this remind me of?

 

 

The handbags and shoes and jewelry and dresses?

 

 

And then it came to me-

 

 

Kitty litter.

 

 

Yep.  That is what came to me.

 

 

Kitty litter.

 

 

A cat can do its business and sit there over and over making sure that mess gets covered up.

 

 

 

But after all its hard work and underneath all the litter?

 

 

MESS is still there.

 

 

Kind of like the handbags. You can dress yourself up with the best, work really hard to make sure it is all “covered” up-

 

 

But underneath it is still a MESS.

 

 

My friend and I laughed at these young guys, realizing that they probably wouldn’t even know what to do with themselves outside of this “litter box”.

 

 

I decided to do a little test and told my friend, “Let’s try something. I am going to pick a guy and make eye contact with him. I am going to hold his gaze, unapologetically. I am going to stop his conversation in mid-sentence- I am going to make him blush like a little girlJ.”

 

 

She laughed and was up for the experiement.

 

 

We stood, backs against the counter when I spotted my contestant.

 

 

He was in a conversation with a couple of people, facing me.

 

 

I looked at him, he looked up at me- I did not look away. I did not smile. My lips slightly parted, I just stared.

 

 

My friend had to turn around to keep from laughing,  because he literally lost it. He couldn’t complete his sentence. Lost all concentration. Became so nervous he started fidgeting with his shirt and his pockets. Like a little school boy.

 

 

My best friend whispered under her breath, “Wow, that is amazing. It is like he has never seen a woman before.”

 

 

Yet, he was in a room full of them. 

 

Sensuality is a missing chip in a lot of the girls I witness today. That art form that old Hollywood portrayed so well.

Sensuality is not cheap or easy. It is wealth and an inner richness a woman possessess.

It is not contrived-

 

 

It is mystery and intrigue in its finest.

 

 

 

Inner confidence that has nothing to do with materialism or the strive for perfection.

 

 

The modern day Geisha. That can hold a man’s gaze and make him weak. That can carry on any conversation with knowledge and wit. That has mastered world knowledge and the arts. Multi dimensional like a kaleidoscope.

 

 

A Goddess.

 

 

And it comes from confidence of your whole nature. Knowing who you are and what you want.

 

Accepting yourself, the good and the not so good. Relying on more than the material for happiness and inner power or self assurance.

 

 

A woman, who when the lights go down, knows and loves herself all the more for it.

 

 

Not kitty litter cover up.

 

 

Or Prada and Jimmy ChooJ

 

 

 

 

Oh being single…

 

 

Just love it how people look at me sometimes like a stray puppy hoping and waiting for adoption.

 

As if my being “alone” mirrors back such fear in them…they just have to fix it.

 

 

Funny thing is? I love being alone. I truly do.

 

 

I am ok with being with me…I have learned to love the silence- not only love it, but allow it to cover me in a blanket of relief.

 

 

To some, silence is blunt and forceful. To me, it is soft and lovely.

 

 

I remember when it first came out to make “vision boards”…cutting out things from magazines and such and putting them on a board so you can visualize everyday what you want to create in your life.

 

 

I remember the looks I got from friends and some family when I cut out and put up my “dream” type of home.

 

 

It was some designer’s home…can’t remember who…but one of the straight ones.

 

 

Him and his wife had the main home- amazing bungalow type of open- aired home.

 

 

Then to the right of the property was “his” house. To the left? Hers.

 

 

Yep…they had their own little bungalows. Decorated the way each wanted it. 100% their expression. A place to go for solitude. For creating.

 

 

For peace.

 

 

My dream home…

 

At breakfast this weekend I sat with friends and we discussed a man who is wanting to meet me.

 

 

Over a bite of my omelette and a sip of my luke- warm coffee, I nonchalantly stated that I would love to meet him as a friend, but had no interest romantically or physically or anything else not resembling “friendship”.

 

 

My guy friend sat in front of me and with sweet smile said, “ I don’t understand that. How can you

 make that decision when you haven’t even  met the guy? What? You can tell through an email?”

 

 

Another sip of coffee, I looked up at him and said, “ I just know.”, as I shrugged my shoulders with a little smile.

 

 

“How???”- he asked.

 

 

I sat searching my thoughts trying to find words to explain an inner knowing.

 

 

Words failed me, until this visual came into my mind.

 

 

I asked my friend, “ You know how they train people to identify counterfeit money?”

 

 

My friend replied, “ Yeah, they give them nothing but real money to study.”

 

 

“Correct”, I said…” They give them real money to study so intently that they memorize every last grain, texture, symbol, smell… that is what it is like for me. I have known since my first breath the “real” thing.  Memorized every last bit of essence. I may not be able to show the real thing yet in my life, but I certainly know its counterfeit.”

 

 

 

I got kudos on that analogyJ Those are my cool friends, they get it.

 

 

Now,  I have made what some might view as mistakes- loving and giving my heart to counterfeits.

 

 

No mistakes…only lessons. Bringing me closer to authenticity…the real thing.

 

It is all a journey. And I embrace the mornings I wake up and feel cool air against my skin from the space all around me, unfilled.

 

As much as I enjoy the mornings I wake up and feel warm skin against me…(although I can’t really remember what that feels likeJ)

 

I love it how sometimes,  I am out with friends who are married or in partnership…some of them act as if my singleness is equivalent to an STD or something…spreads easily, …tabu…keeps coming back…as if it is gonna wear off on them.

 

Not all them and I have to say it really isn’t my close friends. More acquaintances-

 

I love it how I can share my single stories and see a flicker of life in the man’s eyes…like “ahhh the good ole’ days”…and yet see the fear in the woman’s eyes…like a deer caught in head lights.

 

Amazing how to some,  ” relationship”  has come to be a means to an end…

 

 

I spy…the TRUTH. How about you?

 

 

 

 

 

Finally, I hear from the women!

 

 

My post, “Do you or someone you love suffer from APS”, received a lot of response from both men and women.

 

 

But the emails I got the most were from women asking me just what I suggest women do to “help” things.

 

 

A lot of women, I find,  seem to think they are the innocent victims in almost all relationship dysfunctions..

 

 

In that post, where I asked “Who will take responsibility first towards a real connection?- The woman or the man?”-

 

 

I found that most women honestly had no clue as to how they might go about that…

 

 

And so they emailed me-

 

 

Well, I can only speak from my relativity. Here, in no particular order, are the basics I start with when it comes to Men 101…and I do mean basics.

 

 

What does it mean to show up a little and take responsibility for your half of the relationship women?

 

 

For women it means GAME ON! Not GAME OFF!

 

 

 Snap out of it!

 

 

 Every day live in the moment and never, I do mean never, take for granted that he is yours.

 

 

 Listen…truly listen.

 

 

 Buy a Maxim and read what men are saying and how they think, as men- this doesn’t change when a man falls in love!

 

 

He still wants you to shave your legs and put a comb through your hair.

 

 

Or want to do something exhilarating instead of sitting home to watch your favorite shows on any given night.

 

 

 He still wants the porn star to come out once in a while- like Halloween.

 

 

 You can still be a saint-

 

 

He still wants SEX….

 

 

And compliments instead of nagging reminders.

 

 

He needs praise-

 

 

 He needs a buddy and a lover.

 

 

That is just skating along the superficial level of things…

 

 

Most women never recognize or acknowledge the tap dance routine men do on any given day…

 

 

 

 Look at what men do…

 

 

 They have to act like they enjoy greeting cards-

 

 

And that they really do want to open up and “talk about it”.

 

 

 They have to act like they actually have a clue about how important romance is -

 

 

They have to endure Hugh Grant movies with you and act excited about having a cat as a pet.

 

 

They have to listen and know they are going to be quizzed aka drilled later on…

 

 

They have to pick out the paint for the living room and act attentive when all they wish is to be sitting at home with a beer watching the game.

 

 

They have to go against their basic grain so many times simply because they do want to love you and be with you.

 

 

We both, men and women, have to give in order to meet in the middle.

 

 

 To go deeper.

 

 

 

And these examples are the equivalent to putting your toes in the water…

 

 

Are your toes in the water today? Or are you in LA LA land somewhere up on the shore convincing yourself you are in the deep?

 

 

Just a question…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“What exactly is ‘self-love’ to you Amy?”

I leaned back in my chair-

I had my laptop in the little covey of my living room window.

Candles lit and with the dim light of the computer screen, I could just barely see my reflection in the window.

It had been a long day. My hair looked like I just rolled out of bed…eye liner slightly smudged from the work out prior to the checking my emails.

I just sat and stared at my reflection and well….reflected.

I was being asked this question by a reader who had seen a comment I had written about “self love”.

Well, it certainly wasn’t what I was feeling looking at myself in that moment. All I was feeling was a shower coming on…

What a good question to ask…I thought to myself.

That is why I love to get correspondence from my readers- sometimes you make a comment or ask a question that gets me thinking and coming from a new angle.

Self-love has been an evolving thing to me over the years.

And I can only answer what it means to me from my place of relativity. For everyone it is different.

It is almost as difficult to put into a box or definition as “love” is.

When you begin to think about it or try, it is like pulling a thread from your favorite sweater…

You unravel the mystery enough to lose the tangible, solid form you were holding in your hands that you could pinpoint and say “Yeah, that is a sweater”- to a handful of thread that you can now do what you please with- make and mold into anything you want.

To me, this is what happens when I try to break down what self-love is to me.

When I get silent enough- the core of it means to me that I acknowledge the universal truth of who I am and who every other human being is too.

There is no human who has ever been born or who will ever be born who is devoid of the need to be loved when arriving on this planet.

We all want to be seen- we all want to be heard.

We all want a second chance- and a third and a fourth.

We all want our goodness to be acknowledged and our weakness to be accepted.

We all want to be forgiven seventy times seven and again…

If you think about it- this desire we have is the built in compass we all carry inside of us.

Some of us just have so much “junk” accumulated we can’t get to it anymore.

So the day I got to the core of this within myself- I realized that the reason I desire all these things, just like every other person on the planet , is because deep inside I know the “TRUTH”.

That I am a brilliant work of art- no matter what my spiritual beliefs are-

Even scientifically. To think of the perfection of this body, of all its parts, of my personality, there is never ever going to be another ‘me’ on this planet.

Never has been and never will be. Blows my mind.

Clarity, creativity, compassion and peace of mind are always present when I remember this truth.

So to me,  if it feels that good and the results are that positive- this must be a good road to travel down.

I have never, since I was a child, understood judging another human being.

I have gotten wrapped up in it at times. I have expressed criticism to those I love the most. I have lashed out and I am sure made someone feel less than loved at times.  

Every time I have ever caught myself lashing out like that has been a time I could visibly point out the pain I was in or the fear that had come up for me in that moment.

Always about me, never about the other person.

Every time I have ever done this, I have felt the sting come right back to me. It doesn’t feel good to blame and criticize- To judge and demean another. To automatically assume how someone might be off of their “personality” traits.

So, first I come to realize that just as I need love- so does everyone else around me. And when I extend love I get it back. Period.

Next, painstakingly I have come to accept my flaws.

That is a tough one. Letting go of the perfectionism.

When it comes to how much I have beat myself up over the years? I would make Mike Tyson look like a purring kitten…

As I was that hard on myself- guess what? So was everyone else around me.

In 35 years I have accepted the fact that what I give is what I get.

Period.

You can call it metaphysics or la la land new age-

Call it what you want but it is a scientific fact. A law of nature.

When I show myself love? Patience? Light heartedness? When I can laugh at my mistakes and give myself the benefit of the doubt?

I find that is what I am met with in my day from the girl who makes me coffee, to the banker taking my deposit to the dog I pass on the sidewalk.

You ooze love – love finds a way to ooze back to you.

Self- love to me is when I plan out dinner and go to the store excited and put just as much effort into as I would if I was making it for my lover…nice music. Light candles…beautiful bottle of wine- yet it is just me attending. That is self- love to me.

Self- love is when others want to keep you down over a mistake supposedly made- having the guts to get back up off the ground and move on as if nothing even occurred.

The guts to let go of playing victim…of any belief or thought that undermines the totality of the miracle it is to be HUMAN.

Self- love is taking responsibility for my life and how I react to the ups and downs.

Self- love is not taking on another person’s opinion of who I am or what I can be.

Self -love is the only love that I will 100% have in my life until the day I leave this earth.

There is no other love outside of myself that I can say that with.

People come and go, relationships come and go, friends come and go, love comes and goes.

Self- love?

Forever…

 

Everyone feels good when they are considered to be a “good lover”…

 

Here’s a little tip…be a “good self lover” and you will never go wrong in that department:)

 

 

 

 

Watch my interview with ‘Neon and Waltzes’ creator and producer, Kristopher David Irizarry-Hoeksema…

 

 

 

In it, I talk about what it is like to blog about relationships and sex in the South.

 

As well as discuss my book, Aphro-ME-siac: A girl’s guide to the ultimate aphrodisiac…

 

http://blip.tv/file/2513856/ (click on this link)

The TEN things I LOVE on this FRIDAY!!!

 

1.    The brilliance of the fake punt play in last week’s Tennessee Titans pre-season game- and so it has begun…I smell football people!;)

 

2.    The kind words I have received from a couple of readers this week, that have sincerely kept me writing…thank you for taking the time to reach out to me and let me know it means something to you.

 

3.    The freedom of choice- I never, ever take this for granted…to choose what you want to do and be in life, how you will live, what you will believe…this is a gift given to us every day- how many are actually using it?

 

4.    My G girl Genevieve- it is her birthday today~ Beautiful Goddess she is…

 

5.    My friends…every one of you- you make me oh- so -happy. I thank you for that…

 

6.    A nice glass of pinot combined with a good conversation and laughter…can’t get much better than that.

 

7.    The wisdom I have gained in 35 years of life and the wisdom I will gain in the next 35…

 

8.    Being a woman.  Men, you really are missing out…

 

9.    Nathan Lee’s new CD…I have worn it out and I am still not tired of it. Check out the music at http://www.nathanleemusic.com – oh, and I love the fact I can promote creatives I believe in on this little list of mine that goes out to so many…going on 50,000 as a matter of factJ

 

10.  The gyro pita I have been fantasizing about this morning that will become my reality by noon…

 

HAPPY FRIDAY!!!

Body image.

It is an epidemic in the United States.

 

I know this because my natural chested girl friends, myself included, are becoming the minority compared to my friends who have enhanced themselves.

 

A woman can be with Brad Pitt and he can be the best lover on the planet- but if she feels self conscious or insecure about parts of her body? She will be a scene out of “When Harry met Sally”…

Most the time a guy can’t tell if her climax is real or if she deserves an Oscar.

 

Either way- body image plays a huge role in a woman’s ability to experience pleasure.

 

Take a listen to my new VTalk episode, in which I discuss with my guest host John Frazier of http://www.outsidethecubicle.info , body image and how it affects both men and women when it comes to the DEEDJ

Enjoy and let me know your thoughts of body image!

 

http://www.amyvenezia.com/radio-show/ (click on this link and then on track #1- Body Image)

 

In this episode of VTALK radio- I discuss with my guest host, John Frazier, porn-metrosexuality and honesty…

Happy Hour talk…only 8 minutes long though:)

Like overhearing the conversation of the table next to you…it can get addicting.

Let me know you listened and what you think!

http://www.amyvenezia.com/radio-show/ (click on this link and then on the #1 track called Happy Hour)

 

 

BOREDOM:

·     the feeling of being bored by something tedious .

 

·     Boredom is an emotional state experienced during periods lacking activity or when individuals are uninterested in the activities presented to them. …

·     Boredoms (ボアダムス) (or, more recently, V∞redoms) is a noise rock band from Osaka, Japan. The band was officially formed in 1986 …

·     A chosen state of mind brought on by laziness and the firm belief that others are in charge of the so supposedly afflicted person’s own excitement …

 

So, I am getting my coffee yesterday,

And my cute Barista (I say cute because I know he is reading this, and well…he is cuteJ) asks me how my writing is going.

I explain to him I have a bit of writer’s block, which I am dealing with only in the way I know how, by ignoring it.

He suggests that I need someone to ask me a question that I can attempt to answer, hence moving through the block…

I ask him if he is volunteering the question to be answered.

He thinks about it and replies with this-

“The challenge I am facing right now in my relationship is a little boredom with it. What do I do about that?”

Hmmm… I grab my coffee- thank him for the subject suggestion and leave to go home and write.

Only to distract myself by calling my best friend to see what she is doing- a couple of beers and a frozen pizza later -I find that I am no further to answering his question than when he initially asked it.

Boredom, the root of all trouble.

Or maybe I should say the root of all change.

Let’s look at the definitions above, shall we?

Boredom- the definitions laced with words such as tedious, lacking, uninterested, laziness…

Oh, and a noise, Japanese, rock band- if only that could apply here.

What does a person do, once in a committed relationship, when boredom rears its little head?

And it will…at one point or another.

My first reaction is to look at it with complete logic-

When I get bored with anything else in life, how do I handle it to get a different result?

Well, let’s see…

When I am bored with writing, I simply put it down and walk away until I feel the draw back to it.

When I am bored with my workout routine? I stop going to the gym and opt for exercising outdoors.

When I am bored with a pair of shoes? I go and buy a new pair and eventually come back and wear the old pair again and viola’! I am no longer bored.

When I am bored with a drink, a type of food, a piece of clothing or hand bag… I simply stop, put it down and go on to something different.

One thing is for certain- in almost all the cases? I eventually come back to the old and enjoy it again.

Where did we ever get the idea that in every single other area of life it is normal to become bored and complacent, except in relationships???

Who told us this lie?

And who sprinkled that lie with a good dose of guilt and shame just in case we decided to question it?

If married or living with a person, we spend at the least, 10 hours of a 24 hour day with that person on average.

Tell me, who else, what else and where else do I spend that kind of time?

Besides work?

And we all know statistically how many people are miserable  with their work.

Resentful for having to fork over that many hours of a lifetime to something they don’t even love, much less like.

So are we supposed to just accept that this is the way love and relationships must be too?

And I wonder- is it men or women that become bored more quickly in a long term relationship?

Men have the natural hunter instinct- NATURAL- so when that is over and he comes home every day and she is just “there”- with no challenge or intrigue about it- where does he find excitement?

On the other hand, maybe women have it all figured out here.

You know how most women are rarely satisfied with the way their men are and are constantly trying to change them?

Maybe that is a woman’s way of almost guaranteeing a bored-free relationship.

Because chances are, the man is never going to live up to or change to the expectations set before him, and if he does? It is the woman’s prerogative to change them again… therefore it is always a “what if”…for the woman- a challenge- an unfinished, unfulfilled desire- which in turn is a constant underlined feeling of “maybe today”…something to look forward to.

Kind of like a cat and mouse game.

I don’t have the magical answers as to how to cure or even avoid boredom in a relationship-

Except for the common sense answer of taking responsibility in yourself for it.

The only way to cure boredom in anything is to switch gears and change it up.

There has to be change in order for boredom to go away.

Where there is change, boredom cannot exist.

I guess it depends on the individual as to how extreme that change needs to be.

Could be a simple slight shift in everyday routine.

Or less time together as to promote the absence makes the heart grow founder change…

Or, a change in activities.

Or, if you are a swinger, a change in partners-LOL…

 

To avoid boredom, you need to keep the change:)

What are your thoughts?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The TEN things I LOVE on this FRIDAY!!!

 

1.    Going to sleep at 3 am- yet waking up excited for the day by 7 am…

 

2.    2^nd chances…

 

3.    Sitting here every Friday- staring straight ahead in a trance- until I get 1-10 things I am in love with…

 

4.    My friends- my guy friends and girl friends- especially my guy friends- that love on me and hug on me and show me such affection…even when they know they ain’t getting anyJ

 

5.    The sound of running water- even if it is a trickle.

 

6.    When someone uses the word ‘tomfoolery”…it just makes me giddy when I hear it.

 

7.    When I run into someone who has in some way hurt me in the past- truly feeling nothing but generosity and compassion…that moment of realizing how freeing it is to let go of transgressions.

 

8.    A blueberry cake doughnut with coffee

 

9.    The fact that I wear my heart on my sleeve…a rare accessory these days.

 

10. Being a woman- guys, you will never, ever know how it feels to experience emotion as strong as the oceanJ A pretty powerful reminder of being alive.

 

HAPPY FRIDAY!!!