Amy Venezia

 

 

 

I was invited to a party.

 

 

I walked through the door of the penthouse with a half feeling of dread, rising to the surface from the boiling pot of presumption and stereotypical thoughts swirling around in my mind.

 

 

My best friend looked at me and said , “ Uh, I think we are in pre-baby boomer land.”

 

 

I swallowed and replied back, “Pre- baby boomer my ass. We are in the land of Pre-nupers!”

 

 

20 something’s that are living off of trust funds in multi million dollar penthouses where the paintings on the walls are enough to make a mature art collector salivate- yet the owner is on the couch showing off his highest score on the latest video games- not the art collection.

 

 

I walked out on the balcony and just did what I do best…

 

 

I observed the sea of people before me.

 

 

I watched as the 20 something girls, who strangely enough all in some way resembled each other. Even though there were blonde’s(mostly), red heads and brunettes.

 

 

I watched these girls with there thousands of dollars of accessories and their hair tossing and their spray on tans…

 

 

I looked at the handbags and the shoes and the designer clothing-

 

 

And I thought to myself, what does this remind me of?

 

 

I was not being judgmental, only taking an honest observation of the scene I found myself in. I like my handbags, shoes and accessories too.

 

These girls had everything you could possibly need to be “hot” or be the center of attention. Minus one attribute.

 

 

Mystery.

 

 

Not one of them had that mystique that captures men and stops them in their tracks.

 

 

Not one of them had the perfume of intrigue that you can pick up from across the room on a sensuous woman.

 

 

I pointed that out to my friend. She agreed.

 

 

Again I asked myself what does this remind me of?

 

 

The handbags and shoes and jewelry and dresses?

 

 

And then it came to me-

 

 

Kitty litter.

 

 

Yep.  That is what came to me.

 

 

Kitty litter.

 

 

A cat can do its business and sit there over and over making sure that mess gets covered up.

 

 

 

But after all its hard work and underneath all the litter?

 

 

MESS is still there.

 

 

Kind of like the handbags. You can dress yourself up with the best, work really hard to make sure it is all “covered” up-

 

 

But underneath it is still a MESS.

 

 

My friend and I laughed at these young guys, realizing that they probably wouldn’t even know what to do with themselves outside of this “litter box”.

 

 

I decided to do a little test and told my friend, “Let’s try something. I am going to pick a guy and make eye contact with him. I am going to hold his gaze, unapologetically. I am going to stop his conversation in mid-sentence- I am going to make him blush like a little girlJ.”

 

 

She laughed and was up for the experiement.

 

 

We stood, backs against the counter when I spotted my contestant.

 

 

He was in a conversation with a couple of people, facing me.

 

 

I looked at him, he looked up at me- I did not look away. I did not smile. My lips slightly parted, I just stared.

 

 

My friend had to turn around to keep from laughing,  because he literally lost it. He couldn’t complete his sentence. Lost all concentration. Became so nervous he started fidgeting with his shirt and his pockets. Like a little school boy.

 

 

My best friend whispered under her breath, “Wow, that is amazing. It is like he has never seen a woman before.”

 

 

Yet, he was in a room full of them. 

 

Sensuality is a missing chip in a lot of the girls I witness today. That art form that old Hollywood portrayed so well.

Sensuality is not cheap or easy. It is wealth and an inner richness a woman possessess.

It is not contrived-

 

 

It is mystery and intrigue in its finest.

 

 

 

Inner confidence that has nothing to do with materialism or the strive for perfection.

 

 

The modern day Geisha. That can hold a man’s gaze and make him weak. That can carry on any conversation with knowledge and wit. That has mastered world knowledge and the arts. Multi dimensional like a kaleidoscope.

 

 

A Goddess.

 

 

And it comes from confidence of your whole nature. Knowing who you are and what you want.

 

Accepting yourself, the good and the not so good. Relying on more than the material for happiness and inner power or self assurance.

 

 

A woman, who when the lights go down, knows and loves herself all the more for it.

 

 

Not kitty litter cover up.

 

 

Or Prada and Jimmy ChooJ

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fillers…

 

I have never been the “filler” kind of girl.

 

I was speaking with a friend yesterday- a guy friend- who has been in a relationship for a few years.

 

I sat silently- biting my tongue, sitting on my hands- doing whatever I could to just listen and not interrupt.

 

First off, it is none of my business.

 

But if someone were to ask me my outside synopsis of what I saw in their relationship over the years? I would have to give my two centsJ-

 

 I am gonna imagine someone asked me in this post-

 

So, back to our conversation.

 

He was telling me how he feels he is going to “need” to get married someday soon. To her.

 

I sat there and stared blankly at him, listening while thinking  how odd that sounded…

 

Kind of like, I am gonna need to make a dentist appointment soon to get my teeth cleaned or I am gonna need to have my prostate examined soon…because it just is about time for that.

 

We’re talking marriage here…

 

I asked him why? Why does he feel he is going to “need” to marry her.

 

He went on with a list as if he was holding a clip board in front of him…

 

They have been together for a while, he needs to make her an honest woman, she has been there for him through thick and thin, he knows she is going to eventually give him an ultimatum…she really wants it…

 

WOW…again I stared at him .

 

I had observed their relationship over the years…never quite got it. There is a special bond, yes. That was obvious. But they always seemed like great friends or brother and sister. Void of passion.

 

So I went off of my observation and asked him how passionate he felt about her.

 

He went on to say he loves her.

 

I said, “That is not what I asked.”

 

He said, “If you are asking if I have had this incredible ‘you’re the one I have to be with’ feeling, I would have to say no. I have never felt that. But she is good to me. I am grateful for her and I love her.”

 

As he was speaking I thought of a conversation I had with another friend of mine last week sometime- he was talking about the same thing- just about someone else not him…

 

What is going on?

 

I see it all around me.

 

People who refuse to let themselves believe they can have it all.

 

People who stay in relationships that are missing gigantic pieces of the puzzle, but they stay none the less. Because there is one or two pieces present?

 

I am not saying passion is everything- it is not.

 

But it is the equivalent of me waking up everyday- passionate, on fire, in love with my purpose and spending my days living out that beauty every day.

 

Or- waking up everyday going to a job that doesn’t fulfill, a job that doesn’t challenge me, a job that doesn’t make me feel alive or inspired- spending my days living out my life in this way.

 

Is there any comparing? Yet, a huge percentage of society does both. In work and relationship.

 

Where is the self love? Self love is believing you can create and will create a life without limitations and will give yourself and open yourself up to the possibility that all things are possible.

 

I asked my friend- finally had the guts to- why he would choose to commit his life to a relationship like this. I asked him to be honest, with himself before answering me.

 

At first he was defensive…but he knew I wasn’t judging him…I was simply stirring the pot a little. To get him thinking and asking the tough questions that he obviously had been ignoring.

 

He went on to talk about how he would rather be with her, a friend and companion than to be alone- if the truth would be told.

 

I said, “ What you just described is a roommate.”

 

He laughed and said, “ Well, most roommates don’t have benefits.”

 

WOW…again…so it comes down to the intimacy of having someone there to spend your time with. Sleep with. Depend on.

 

I am not judging at all- but to me? That is a lack of inner integrity.

 

As if you are selling your soul out in exchange for a filler.

 

A filler of time, that will keep the silence at bay.

 

A filler of answers that will keep the tough questions from being asked.

 

A filler of faith, so you don’t have to take a leap and actually demand from life that you have it all.

 

A filler of love…

 

Why can’t we love ourselves enough to take responsibility for our level of happiness? Why would we choose a level 4 or 5 when we can have a level 10 if we choose?

 

Why are we so scared to be ecstatically happy?

 

I get people asking me all the time how I could be single.

 

As if it is a disease.

 

I answer short and sweet.

 

My soul knows there is its counterpart out there.

 

I will not sip from Korbel- when I hold the taste of Kristal in my mouth…

 

Both will  take you to the heights of ecstasy you are desiring…but for me and my heart?

I will not have a counterfeit in exchange for the security of knowing I am not alone.

 

I want the real thing.

 

No fillers or additives please.

 

Natural, whole,  pure and organic kind of love.

BTW,  I was given permission from my friend to speak my mind and write this post.

 

Tough subject that I am sure will step on some comfortable toes…

 But then again, isn’t that what I write for? J

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friday night I had friends in town.

 

 

Friends I have had for over a decade, friends that have been with me through thick and thin.

 

 

They are the kind of friends who roll large…limo’s and champagne…best wine and food and no shortage of laughter.

 

 

Generous friends, that yell out “The Queen” whenever I walk in the room…and treat me with that kind of respect.

 

 

Friday night, I didn’t feel like going out.

 

 

I have been in a metamorphosis of sorts. I have had two years of the kind of fun that could be incorporated into a Sex and The City episode.

 

 

But as with everything in life, it is a pendulum swing. And the last couple of months, I have been called to more balance-

 

 

In all areas of my life.

 

 

After leaving my last long term relationship- close to five years long- I needed fun. I needed lightness. I needed laughter. I needed to be reminded I was still a sexy woman. I needed to turn heads and flirt without intention. I needed to know life could be light again.

 

 

I needed a break from the depths I had been swimming in.

 

 

But there is only so much affirmation that can come from outside of you.

 

 

Then life says, “Ok…enough now. You got the message- time to go within.”

 

 

And that is where I was at Friday night …that and a little under the weather.

 

 

I hesitantly put on my little black dress, sported my new Betsy Johnson stilettos -straightened my hair with a little crown of braids- took a deep breath and walked out the door into the limo waiting for me outside.

 

 

There were my friends- and immediately my mind got off of my physical ailments and I started to enjoy the night.

 

 

We arrived at the restaurant and had a lot of fun. But I was conscious throughout the night that a chapter in my life was closing.

 

 

I looked around me and just couldn’t vibe with it anymore. Granted, I didn’t feel good. But it wasn’t that. It was me, deciding it is time for a new chapter.

 

 

 

I smiled at my friends and the champagne and the laughs- looked around and thought to myself…

 

 

 

“ Amy, this is the equivalent to your bachelorette party.”

 

 

 

I never had one of those. I was married at a young age and didn’t even drink alcohol at the time. I didn’t have a “one last shebang party”.

 

 

 

The kind of party that is out with the old to bring in the new.

 

 

 

Friday night represented that for me…

 

 

 

The only constant in life is change…and where there is change , there is growth.

 

 

 

And where there is growth- there you will find balance.

 

 

 

I like balance. 

 

 

 

So as I walked out of the restaurant I ran into a friend who said, “ What is the occasion Ms. Thang?”..

 

 

 

I replied back, “ A bachelorette party!”-

 

 

 

He asked, “ Who is getting married?”

 

 

 

I said, “ I am!”

 

 

 

Wide eyed and in complete shock, he asked, “ TO WHOM???!!”

 

 

“ To me…”- I replied back with a little wink as I slid into the limo.

 

 

Life is good…every moment.

 

 

Every turn-

 

 

 

 Every hill and every valley-

 

 

 

And every choice…

 

 

Make it a beautiful life.

 

 

 

 

 

Finally, I hear from the women!

 

 

My post, “Do you or someone you love suffer from APS”, received a lot of response from both men and women.

 

 

But the emails I got the most were from women asking me just what I suggest women do to “help” things.

 

 

A lot of women, I find,  seem to think they are the innocent victims in almost all relationship dysfunctions..

 

 

In that post, where I asked “Who will take responsibility first towards a real connection?- The woman or the man?”-

 

 

I found that most women honestly had no clue as to how they might go about that…

 

 

And so they emailed me-

 

 

Well, I can only speak from my relativity. Here, in no particular order, are the basics I start with when it comes to Men 101…and I do mean basics.

 

 

What does it mean to show up a little and take responsibility for your half of the relationship women?

 

 

For women it means GAME ON! Not GAME OFF!

 

 

 Snap out of it!

 

 

 Every day live in the moment and never, I do mean never, take for granted that he is yours.

 

 

 Listen…truly listen.

 

 

 Buy a Maxim and read what men are saying and how they think, as men- this doesn’t change when a man falls in love!

 

 

He still wants you to shave your legs and put a comb through your hair.

 

 

Or want to do something exhilarating instead of sitting home to watch your favorite shows on any given night.

 

 

 He still wants the porn star to come out once in a while- like Halloween.

 

 

 You can still be a saint-

 

 

He still wants SEX….

 

 

And compliments instead of nagging reminders.

 

 

He needs praise-

 

 

 He needs a buddy and a lover.

 

 

That is just skating along the superficial level of things…

 

 

Most women never recognize or acknowledge the tap dance routine men do on any given day…

 

 

 

 Look at what men do…

 

 

 They have to act like they enjoy greeting cards-

 

 

And that they really do want to open up and “talk about it”.

 

 

 They have to act like they actually have a clue about how important romance is -

 

 

They have to endure Hugh Grant movies with you and act excited about having a cat as a pet.

 

 

They have to listen and know they are going to be quizzed aka drilled later on…

 

 

They have to pick out the paint for the living room and act attentive when all they wish is to be sitting at home with a beer watching the game.

 

 

They have to go against their basic grain so many times simply because they do want to love you and be with you.

 

 

We both, men and women, have to give in order to meet in the middle.

 

 

 To go deeper.

 

 

 

And these examples are the equivalent to putting your toes in the water…

 

 

Are your toes in the water today? Or are you in LA LA land somewhere up on the shore convincing yourself you are in the deep?

 

 

Just a question…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“From the times you chastise us for leaving a wet towel on the bed to those nights you rip through a pint of fudge ripple without stopping to breathe, we file each incident in a mental folder labeled “Evidence She’ll Change for the Worse.”

 

Woke up this morning and checked my emails…

 

This was sent to me from an article about why men bail on even the women they are really into…

 

Brutal…

 

The whole article.

 

But refreshingly honest.

 

I have to say my favorite part of the article is the “timing is off “ reasoning…

 

Basically, it states a guy can be dating a girl for 2 years…and if one little part of his life is undone~ he won’t settle down with her. He could break up with her and start dating someone else though and end up engaged to that chick 6 months later-

 

The only difference between 2 year relationship girl and 6 month dating girl? TIMING.

 

I have learned this over my years…

 

I don’t know what it is-

 

I call it APS-

 

The Auto Pilot Syndrome in men.

 

A man can literally be living with a woman for a year, maybe two- telling her everyday he loves her. Eating dinner and doing the dishes with her.

 

They can have little rituals together, like he makes coffee and she brings him the paper…

 

Going to the dog park to walk “their” dog…

 

Nicknames like butter biscuit or lover…

 

And one day, after two years of living with this woman and going through all these motions- the guy is in the shower-

 

And somewhere between the shampoo and the shave? It hits him…

 

“I think I really love this girl.”

 

After two years…

 

730 dog walks, 730 dinners, hundreds of kisses, maybe 300 nights of mind blowing sex mixed with a couple hundred nights of this is as good as it’s gonna get sex…

 

And suddenly the actions line up with an actual feeling or conviction.

Now that is not to say the man didn’t “feel” love during those two years.

 

I am talking about the deep emotional tie that tows the line-

 

Between ‘I am in this until it ends…to I am in this and hope it never ends.’

 

This is reality-

 

Where we get off track in relationships?

 

Women just buy whatever they are being given at the moment as long as it continues to feed the fantasy rather than shatter it…

 

Wonder how our relationships would shift if women took a moment to really tune in and see their man-

 

Really SEE him.

 

Past the actions, past the box of conventionalism, past the auto pilot?

 

Who will take the responsibility first towards a real connection?

 

The man~ being truthful with where he is at and what he needs?

 

Or the woman~ willing to see the man in true light- as is- without expectations.

 

Either way? An honesty so deep would be the end result-

 

And when a man and a woman can connect and communicate on that level?

 

That is the tie that binds…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“What exactly is ‘self-love’ to you Amy?”

I leaned back in my chair-

I had my laptop in the little covey of my living room window.

Candles lit and with the dim light of the computer screen, I could just barely see my reflection in the window.

It had been a long day. My hair looked like I just rolled out of bed…eye liner slightly smudged from the work out prior to the checking my emails.

I just sat and stared at my reflection and well….reflected.

I was being asked this question by a reader who had seen a comment I had written about “self love”.

Well, it certainly wasn’t what I was feeling looking at myself in that moment. All I was feeling was a shower coming on…

What a good question to ask…I thought to myself.

That is why I love to get correspondence from my readers- sometimes you make a comment or ask a question that gets me thinking and coming from a new angle.

Self-love has been an evolving thing to me over the years.

And I can only answer what it means to me from my place of relativity. For everyone it is different.

It is almost as difficult to put into a box or definition as “love” is.

When you begin to think about it or try, it is like pulling a thread from your favorite sweater…

You unravel the mystery enough to lose the tangible, solid form you were holding in your hands that you could pinpoint and say “Yeah, that is a sweater”- to a handful of thread that you can now do what you please with- make and mold into anything you want.

To me, this is what happens when I try to break down what self-love is to me.

When I get silent enough- the core of it means to me that I acknowledge the universal truth of who I am and who every other human being is too.

There is no human who has ever been born or who will ever be born who is devoid of the need to be loved when arriving on this planet.

We all want to be seen- we all want to be heard.

We all want a second chance- and a third and a fourth.

We all want our goodness to be acknowledged and our weakness to be accepted.

We all want to be forgiven seventy times seven and again…

If you think about it- this desire we have is the built in compass we all carry inside of us.

Some of us just have so much “junk” accumulated we can’t get to it anymore.

So the day I got to the core of this within myself- I realized that the reason I desire all these things, just like every other person on the planet , is because deep inside I know the “TRUTH”.

That I am a brilliant work of art- no matter what my spiritual beliefs are-

Even scientifically. To think of the perfection of this body, of all its parts, of my personality, there is never ever going to be another ‘me’ on this planet.

Never has been and never will be. Blows my mind.

Clarity, creativity, compassion and peace of mind are always present when I remember this truth.

So to me,  if it feels that good and the results are that positive- this must be a good road to travel down.

I have never, since I was a child, understood judging another human being.

I have gotten wrapped up in it at times. I have expressed criticism to those I love the most. I have lashed out and I am sure made someone feel less than loved at times.  

Every time I have ever caught myself lashing out like that has been a time I could visibly point out the pain I was in or the fear that had come up for me in that moment.

Always about me, never about the other person.

Every time I have ever done this, I have felt the sting come right back to me. It doesn’t feel good to blame and criticize- To judge and demean another. To automatically assume how someone might be off of their “personality” traits.

So, first I come to realize that just as I need love- so does everyone else around me. And when I extend love I get it back. Period.

Next, painstakingly I have come to accept my flaws.

That is a tough one. Letting go of the perfectionism.

When it comes to how much I have beat myself up over the years? I would make Mike Tyson look like a purring kitten…

As I was that hard on myself- guess what? So was everyone else around me.

In 35 years I have accepted the fact that what I give is what I get.

Period.

You can call it metaphysics or la la land new age-

Call it what you want but it is a scientific fact. A law of nature.

When I show myself love? Patience? Light heartedness? When I can laugh at my mistakes and give myself the benefit of the doubt?

I find that is what I am met with in my day from the girl who makes me coffee, to the banker taking my deposit to the dog I pass on the sidewalk.

You ooze love – love finds a way to ooze back to you.

Self- love to me is when I plan out dinner and go to the store excited and put just as much effort into as I would if I was making it for my lover…nice music. Light candles…beautiful bottle of wine- yet it is just me attending. That is self- love to me.

Self- love is when others want to keep you down over a mistake supposedly made- having the guts to get back up off the ground and move on as if nothing even occurred.

The guts to let go of playing victim…of any belief or thought that undermines the totality of the miracle it is to be HUMAN.

Self- love is taking responsibility for my life and how I react to the ups and downs.

Self- love is not taking on another person’s opinion of who I am or what I can be.

Self -love is the only love that I will 100% have in my life until the day I leave this earth.

There is no other love outside of myself that I can say that with.

People come and go, relationships come and go, friends come and go, love comes and goes.

Self- love?

Forever…

 

Everyone feels good when they are considered to be a “good lover”…

 

Here’s a little tip…be a “good self lover” and you will never go wrong in that department:)

 

Are you satisfied with your ability to be loved and to love?

 

Or do you live in a world that is hostile and harsh in tone? Where love is always a gamble? Where there is always the underlining sense of a need to protect yourself from the elements of hidden agendas and false promises?

 

I go back and forth.

 

Some days I walk around as the “Ultimate Lover”… the one who is in the flow of give and take and with head held high feel like the master dodger of the pendulum swing of lust and love.

 

Other days I am a scared, broken down mess.

 

Kind of like today.

 

Where I feel I know nothing. And life has been a series of “bad” choices that just knock me down the moment I get my breath to stumble to my feet again.

 

That is only in my half empty moments… that thankfully, do not last for long.

 

Some days, love feels to me as if to be the ULTIMATE gamble.

 

Like being at the roulette table where you keep hitting it. You are on a roll- a crowd has gathered. You are flying high- but somewhere in the very back of your mind, you are well aware that eventually it is going to have to end.

 

In this analogy- you have the same choice in life. Do you count your blessings, gather your winnings and walk away while you are still on top?

 

Or do you blow a kiss to the dice and throw one more time to fate. Not taking into consideration what the loss might cost you- placing everything you have on the possibility of one more time…

 

As adults, we are taught to think thoughts slathered in realism-not follow whims anointed with the heart.

 

As children, we are given permission to have faith, that in later years is considered Peter Pan syndrome…

 

I, myself, have learned and am learning that love is not a “thing”- therefore it is not lost when given. The beautiful Leo Buscaglia said that…

 

Love doesn’t end, it only changes.

 

To me, I have learned that if you go up to the “table” of love and you throw the dice only concerned with where it lands and what you might win, instead of the fun, thrill and experience of playing…you will be disappointed and walk away disillusioned every time.

 

IT IS ABOUT THE JOURNEY…not the outcome.

 

Just some thoughts… 

 

 

 

 

Watch my interview with ‘Neon and Waltzes’ creator and producer, Kristopher David Irizarry-Hoeksema…

 

 

 

In it, I talk about what it is like to blog about relationships and sex in the South.

 

As well as discuss my book, Aphro-ME-siac: A girl’s guide to the ultimate aphrodisiac…

 

http://blip.tv/file/2513856/ (click on this link)

The TEN things I LOVE on this FRIDAY!!!

 

1.    The brilliance of the fake punt play in last week’s Tennessee Titans pre-season game- and so it has begun…I smell football people!;)

 

2.    The kind words I have received from a couple of readers this week, that have sincerely kept me writing…thank you for taking the time to reach out to me and let me know it means something to you.

 

3.    The freedom of choice- I never, ever take this for granted…to choose what you want to do and be in life, how you will live, what you will believe…this is a gift given to us every day- how many are actually using it?

 

4.    My G girl Genevieve- it is her birthday today~ Beautiful Goddess she is…

 

5.    My friends…every one of you- you make me oh- so -happy. I thank you for that…

 

6.    A nice glass of pinot combined with a good conversation and laughter…can’t get much better than that.

 

7.    The wisdom I have gained in 35 years of life and the wisdom I will gain in the next 35…

 

8.    Being a woman.  Men, you really are missing out…

 

9.    Nathan Lee’s new CD…I have worn it out and I am still not tired of it. Check out the music at http://www.nathanleemusic.com – oh, and I love the fact I can promote creatives I believe in on this little list of mine that goes out to so many…going on 50,000 as a matter of factJ

 

10.  The gyro pita I have been fantasizing about this morning that will become my reality by noon…

 

HAPPY FRIDAY!!!

 

 

I sat and stared at the single pair in front of me.

 

I know I had come down to the wire, able to see the half mountain of dirty laundry in my peripheral vision, just to the right of me.

But come on! This is what I have left?

I stared at the bottom of the drawer where the sole pair of panties stared back at me.

Single pair of panties…

Single just like me.

But crotchless?

I sank down onto the side of the bed, sitting in a slump, just like that pile of laundry that seemed to be growing on its own.

Last time I wore these?

I sat and searched my memory, back to over 2 ½ years ago, when I had purchased them in the first place.

Hustler on Sunset Blvd…

My boyfriend of 5 years was the happy recipient of that little random purchase. Well, not that he wore them…that sounded confusing. You know what I mean.

No wonder they were the last pair standing- they lived a quiet life of solitude at the bottom of the pile for some time now.

Forgotten…MIA… but then again, that would take action to be missing in, correct?

 

I had a choice- go commando or slide on the crotchless for entertainment alone.

I had a little conversation with myself, somewhere along the lines of, since in essence- they are crotchless- what is the use of wearing them?

Until I had the brilliant idea of a little self examination.

And I am not talking about a physical one so stop your dirty thoughts now…

An inner one.

To give a little reminder throughout the day that I, myself, am choosing for over 2 ½ years now, to be relationship free.

 

So with each trip to the restroom I would be reminded- and ask myself- why?

What is my reasoning? Truly…

Is it that I truly have not found a man that I want to witness life with?

That is part of it.

Show me a man that is fierce enough to fight for his heart and live from his heart and I will show you a man worth giving my body, mind and soul to.

Is it because I am weary- having long term relationships most of my adult life- of the energy produced and consumed when in a relationship? Maybe…

How many beautiful guy friends do I have, that would make wonderful partners, that have never laid a hand on me or vice versa? That I just can’t and won’t go there with?

I am out in the deep, in life. I have been through more than most would go through in 5 lifetimes.

I am not wading in the kiddy pool anymore- or sipping Malibu and pineapples floating along in life looking for prince charming on the float next to me.

I am in the deep- and to be truthful, I don’t pass many souls down here, in the middle of my search, souls I connect with on a “romantic” level.

It was actually quite funny, this little idea of mine.  Like a little secret I held with me and me alone. I left the restroom with a smile on my face, at the ridiculousness of wearing these things during the day.

 

By the end of my crotchless day experience, I had satisfactorily come to the conclusion that my choice is not based out of fear of intimacy- but from an understanding that I will not settle anymore.

I have had my fun, at the same time I have had my self -inflicted torture.

I went home, did my laundry and as I was folding- came across that pair of panties again.

This time, I put them at the top of the pile in the drawer.

Amazing how you can entertain yourself…