Oh what a week.

I took a ride on an emotional rollercoaster  and when it stopped…only learned that I…well… have more to learn.

Sometimes I think this whole dance between men and women is nothing more than just that…a dance.

Twirl around…masquerade…switch partners…curtsey…get close…pull away…

Dance all night until the sun comes up…

Sit this one out because you no longer want to…

Dance.

There are some people you get with that your rhythm is perfection…no toe stepping…no awkwardness-

Just smooth moves…intertwined…you just intuitively know the next step…you can feel what the person is going to do next…

Then there are those people you get with and there is struggle…you hold that person’s hand and laugh off the awkwardness…you step on their feet and apologize over and over…but you still try…because the chemistry is enough to want to stand close enough to feel them…

Then there are those people that you know as soon as your essences collide that it is the most unnatural moving…contrived…not enjoyable…’when is this song ever going to end so I can get the hell out of here’ type of experience.

At the end of it…it is still just a dance. Where you , the other person in the equation, has full choice and power over your experience.

I think no matter what, it comes down to this one thing…

Keep dancing.

This is what life is about. Failing and seeing parts of yourself you need to clean up…seeing parts in another you need to find compassion for…since most likely the reason it bothers you is that you have the same parts…just in your blind spot.

Dance…no matter what happens in your life or how screwed up things become in this society…once the music stops? We will stop existing…I truly believe that.

A life without music and without the touch of another…without those awkward toe stepping moments…without that sensual, perfect,  in-sync rhythm with each other…life without these experiences is no life at all.

Don’t just sit on the sidelines…get in there…because the longer you sit…the more difficult it becomes to hold out your hand to a stranger and take that step to the center of your heart…

Hope you dance…

Have I lost my mind? Maybe.

365 day challenge to write.

 Every day… no matter what.

I think it comes at the perfect time in my life.

Right when I thought I was figuring out some things, I find I have nothing figured out… at all.

I love that about the process of life.

Like pulling a thread that starts to unravel a sweater…you sit with a giant thread ball in your hands that used to be that sweater, and right when you think that is it…abracadabra! There is a new sweater in your hands with a piece of thread hanging down…the Universe knows that human nature is to pull on that piece of thread…even when you know it will start the unraveling.

That is how I see each phase and lesson placed in my hands…like a favorite sweater I just know is eventually going to unravel one day.

I used to fight that.

Not anymore. I welcome it. Once I realized that there would always be a new sweater to replace the old one:). That it was inevitable; the path that I have chosen. Not to sit still and just be, but to constantly move towards a better version of me. No matter how many mistakes I make in the process.

So tell me…what is the “favorite sweater” you have in your hands right now? The one that you have begun to pull the thread as you watch it come undone?

Right now, mine is my beliefs about romantic love. More so, my beliefs and understanding of the dynamics of how a man is made and a woman is made in relation to romantic love.

My story about it…my habitual ways of thinking and expectations… the unhealthy things that for lack of better words, get me off. Because they confirm the original belief I am holding on to. A belief that most likely blocks my progress or changing what I am creating…even when what I am creating brings me no fulfillment at all.

The type of man I am attracted to. The type of man I am not attracted to,  and why?

That is the “sweater” in my hands right now.

Would love to hear about yours…

Why am I so hard on women? I got a comment from a reader feeling I woman bash at times…I appreciate her honesty.

My response? I am harder on women because I am one. I can’t speak for men…it is impossible to have a true outlook on why they do what they do because I am not one…obviously:).

Woman basher. Now, that is a new one for me!

Even so, I will try and explain where I am coming from.

As a woman, I have fought hard to take the heartbreaks and lessons life has presented to me and use them to help me take 100% responsibility for my own life.

I am the owner of my body; I am the author of my story. I am learning to trust my instinct and actually listen…which, is the greatest challenge for a woman.

We all speak of equality and rights- yet, we still try to live from a, “wounded, weaker mentality” when faced with relationship dynamics with men. It is a complete contradiction and widens the gap between where we are and where we desire to be.

We do this to ourselves- not men. Not society. We blindly bring it on ourselves without awareness or consciousness.

Women expect men to be upfront and honest with them yet, a majority of women are not even honest with themselves about the true make up of a man. And, even if they are honest enough to acknowledge the differences- most women judge men and their differences and every single thing they do is from a strategic positioning of trying to change them.

I will even go as far to say that the only way some women feel safe in intimate relationships with men is if their man in some way “mimics” the emotional and moral make up of a woman.

It is the Cinderella syndrome…and in order to perpetuate it, we project onto men the image of what we need for them to be in order to sustain the “safety”. As a result, women tend to read into words and actions, believe words over actions and assume whatever it takes to support the imaginary image…and men, will spoon feed us this because they have found it works-anything to avoid conflict and criticism- the two ugly “C” words that are like Kryptonite to men.

There has been a gross imbalance for centuries and centuries of women denying their own needs to fulfill a man’s needs and of women looking to men to fulfill those needs.

It is repression and projection and the basis of dysfunction in the modern world today. It is an endless treadmill of each person in the relationship having to so delicately play their part and keep up the charade as not to disrupt the flow of “conditional” love that we convince ourselves is unconditional.

I, for one, believe it is time for us ladies to listen to the men around us. Because they are simply mirroring back to us how much we are willing to betray ourselves.

All deception begins with self deception.

Self deception always precedes the belief of a lie.

They key is for women to stop looking to the outside and start going within for their needs. Because, in order to meet your needs you have to be honest with yourself and, when you start being honest with yourself… you start attracting honesty in your life.

Why am I so hard on women? It is actually a compliment. I believe women have the power to heal the rift between men and women; by starting with themselves.

But, at some point the blame game has to stop. There is no use in pointing the finger at anyone else when the power lies within you. We can choose how to handle things, how to let it affect us, who to stay with, what to put up with, what to believe, how to communicate, how to love and how to be loved.

I call it speaking MENGLISH  Drop your judgments and you just might see something of beauty in the differences between men and women. Work on yourself and you will find quality men are all that surround you.

As Emeril would say, BAM!! There you have it!

Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo. – Ambrose Bierce

My dear, dear ladies…we are Queens of hypocrisy. Our crown? A halo of prejudice.

Prejudice against men. Men prejudice against women.

I hear women complain all the time about the games men play…

I hear men complain all the time about the games women play…

Let’s face it…we all play them. Games are a necessary component in relations of any kind. In some skewed way of looking at it…games give validation where validation is needed most. If you are in it enough to play, then there is a chance you just might be in it enough to win. In a way you acknowledge the person is worth your effort in the first place.

The rules are as individual as snowflakes; different for each person.

How often do you reach out? When should you call? How long should you wait? When do you give up? When do you persist? Do you call first? How fast should you respond?

One person’s “too much” is another person’s “not enough”.

 It is the perpetual duck duck goose of romance.

What gets on my nerves about my species…is a woman will throw herself in the game without giving a damn about learning the game. All the while playing coy saying she doesn’t play games.

And, just like in elementary school when a girl is pushing a guy over and over and he pushes back finally and she cries like a school girl because she can’t believe he just pushed her…that kind of behavior makes me want to punch a girl.

Do men play games? Yes, they do. But, here’s the thing. Women play the game of acting like they are not aware the man is playing games…women manipulate to always bend themselves like a game of twister… always landing in the position of the victim.

Common sense makes it obvious that if a man is playing games at the beginning he is either wanting to hookup or fill time…a man will always play games but, will never play them hard enough to lose if he is truly wanting to win.  Hello!!!

If women would admit to themselves this simple truth, and make their choice to play with full knowledge of the consequences or sit it out because of full knowledge of the consequences…well, they would then find themselves enjoying the process.

Let’s take me for instance. When I am into a guy, I put it out there. I tell it like I feel it. Now, in a sense…I am playing a game…because I know that the kind of guy I want to give my time to is a guy who won’t be turned off by that. That is the first move in my game…I recognize this. If a guy shows the moxie to get past it and not be intimidated…then he gets the prize;) which is realizing right when he thinks he has me figured out…he finds layer upon complex layer to uncover.

Either way, although he may feel he is in control because I am being open and upfront…I am aware I am like an iceberg…what I am showing is just the tip…and if you look beneath the surface…you will see just how deep I go. But, I am also not afraid to look at myself and say yeah…that is probably game playing…innocent enough.

I say this to show we all have a game. Every one of us. And to say you don’t? Hypocrisy…

I can hear it now…the valiant men saying, “ I don’t play games”.  The fact that you say you don’t is playing a game. Your game is being the ‘good guy’ that puts it all ‘out there’ because you feel being like that will get you the end result you are looking for.

Break it down; the natural psychology of human communication. It is always for an end result…always pointing back to the self. So, to say you are free of game playing…well, you would have to be six feet under.

 Part of the evolution of a soul is growing enough to start to let go of your own game…when it comes to communicating or being transparent and genuine. But, most of us on this planet are not 100% there yet. That is part of being human. Right? In a sense, we will always communicate through a game filter at the beginning. It is part of having an ego.

I tell women all the time…just swallow the fact that most men and women play games. Swallow it like medicine. It is medicine. It is the beginning of getting real.

As long as you remember the one golden rule standard in every relationship: a man will always play games but, will never play them hard enough to lose what he is truly wanting to win.

Take responsibility girls…If you play, don’t whine or cry when you get a scuffed heart…or a kick in the ego…

Go into it with open eyes and an open heart…if you look at it in this way, you will have fun while finding out if the man you are on the field of the heart with will be game, set, match.

Last game. Last set. Match point. The game is over…either you shake hands and walk away separate…or you pat each other on the butt and say good game;)…walking off  together…content with the outcome and the effort put forth to play. Both of you winners because you stuck it out and gave it your all.

Just have fun with it…all is fair in love and war;)

I think I realize why 90% of society walks around practicing the art of deceit.

Self deception; when it comes to love; when it comes to intimacy; when it comes to the opposite sex and the pursuit of attraction.

Do any of us really want to know the truth?

I mean, REALLY?

I sat with one of my good friends last night as he talked to me about the nature of some men.

He was talking about himself at first and then turned it on me and what I thought about men.

He quizzed me as to what I believed the language of men…MENGLISH is what I call it…translates to.

I am pretty good at understanding men…better than most women.

However, what I have laser vision for seeing in other people’s situations…I sometimes fail to see when it involves me.

This little sabatager sits on my shoulder, whispering excuses into my ear that I eat up like candy, in order to keep what ever it is I want to happen jacked up on the adrenaline of “hope”.

My friend was pretty open with me…

He told me I am intimidating….”very intimidating” were his exact words.

I don’t get that. Yet, he is about the tenth of my guy friends to say so.

I am the most approachable woman on the planet, in my opinion. But I am starting to see there are opposing opinions to mine…

I asked him to explain himself…

“Well, for starters, you are always out with us…your guy friends…you automatically put up a barrier there.”

Well, duh!! I go out to have fun. Not to be picked up.

I am a woman! I could get action walking into a 7-11. It comes easy for us.

So, yeah, I like the buffer my male friends provide for me. Like my own personal booty guards.

He went on to tell me what I do for a living is intimidating.

Yawn…I am so tired of hearing this.

So… where it gets interesting is when he began to explain how guys think.

Some guys want options. A pot on every burner…

I get that; especially in the world we live in today. Doesn’t bother me.

So when that guy is checking you out or there is attraction there, sometimes it can’t be read into anything other than you are there….in the room…maybe one of the top 5 or 10 of the options to check out at the moment.

You are a piece of parsley to his plate.

You are appealing…eye candy.

Not the ribeye.

Harsh, yet true.

And sometimes you are the ribeye…just depends.

That was not new news to me. And I have never been a person that meets people at bars; ever…so this doesn’t shock me.

But it does explain that depending on the level of work it will take to get the fire started…well, that is what determines if sparks fly with a guy or not.

Come on baby light my fire…

Easy; and like water, will take the path of least resistance.

So, in comparison, guys wanna use a lighter…not sitting there rubbing two sticks of wood together like a cricket serenading a campfire.

Totally get that.

Then he said the mother of all truths to me…

“Amy, when a man wants something, there is absolutely nothing that will stop him from going after it. NOTHING.”

“But, what if….but, what if…but, what if….”- my little attempt at arguing against an absolute truth.

There is no but.

There is no level of intimidation, no level of shyness, no level of maybe you are unavailable, no level of fear of rejection…nothing that will stop a man from going after what he truly wants.

Any other belief is simply delusion.

And yeah, delusion helps keep hope afloat…but who wants to stay afloat in an endless sea of self imposed disappointments?

Men don’t play hard to get.

Men get.

In this day and age we are living in, lines are blurred.

Women, more aggressive.

Men, more lazy because of it.

But when it is magic….well, that is when you get to see that beauty of what makes men, men.

That male aspect that lays women flat…literally…

The conqueror.

If more women would realize they are worth the time and effort for a man to come to them, they would weed out the mediocre connections.

They would wait for the man who can’t help but step up to the plate…because everything in him wants to get in the game.

Not be a spectator.

 I understand that it is not that simple…that there are too many factors involved when it comes to human connections. It isn’t something that can be logically figured out and it never will be. 

But sometimes it is a good thing to get other perspectives. Even though those perspectives can’t possibly apply to every person or situation. 

Keep it simple…it doesn’t have to get that complicated~

Besides, if we could figure out what baffles us about the opposite sex it wouldn’t be nearly as fun;)

The TEN things I LOVE on this FRIDAY!

1. The sound an “on the rocks” drink makes…

2. That my 4 year old nephew still demands to hear Coldplay before he goes to sleep at night…

3. As cheesy as it sounds, hearing “Don’t wanna miss a thing” this week and smiling because in my 30’s,  I feel that way about life…not a man.

4. The Mahi burgers from Taco Loco in Laguna Beach, CA – Oh, how I miss them…

5. A full tank of gas, clean sheets, a just washed car…new beginnings.

6. That when my Mom and I were going back and forth in a conversation yesterday, my nephew looked at my Mom and said, “Mimi, Aunt Amy is right. Now, stop talking.” I have never laughed so hard in my life…

7. Dancing around my living room…:)

8. Having one of my friend’s say my back side is “ba- dunka- dunk” and that I actually took the time to go to the Urban dictionary to see what it means…

9. Hearing from my readers…

10.  Steak and frites and that soon it will be Rose’ time again…oui, oui.

HAPPY FRIDAY!!

The TEN things I LOVE on this FRIDAY!

1. Watching the snow fall while in my bed writing this…

2. That the threat of being snowed in for some reason gave me the excuse to buy bacon… I hardly ever eat bacon~ but looking forward to a yummy bacon and egg sandwichJ

3. How life gives you the opportunity to run into someone who really did you some damage in a hurtful way a long time ago- and yet you find you just feel love for them. That is a really cool feeling.

4. Wearing my hair in pigtails…it just makes me feel five again.

5. When I look up and see a man for the first time…and with that one look from him, he reminds me in all the right ways that I am all womanJ

6. Sea salt and vinegar chips…

7. Watching the people in our country step up and help Haiti, even in our financial state right now…

8. Laughing so hard my cheeks hurt…

9. Pandora radio…

10. That the snow day today has given me the opportunity to stay at home and finish writing this new bookJ No excuses…

Happy Friday!!

Is it a curse or a blessing to be young and single in the year 2009?

To walk the line between obligation relations of my parents generation and instant gratification relations of my generation.

Sometimes I envy the days when there was no text or email to add to the delusion that hormones and endorphins already provoke in attraction.

As I sat talking with a friend this morning this is what came to mind…

My friend has been texting and emailing every day with someone who is in a committed relationship-

I have been there, same boat, over the last couple years. Thinking you have a foundation of a friendship or a connection that is growing-

But then, just like the erase button on your phone or the delete button on your email- you find that the foundation was about as solid as a cloud.

Now, I am not talking about people you are doing business with or talking with for other reasons than personal…

And personally, I don’t really like  talking on the phone. I much more prefer to talk through text or email unless it is a conversation that needs that kind of attention.

Anyway,  here is my friend, starting to have feelings for a person that shares a home and dogs and bank accounts and life with her boyfriend- yet has this little communication going on everyday through text and email.

My friend really diggs this girl…and their growing friendship…

However,

In the realm of communication, I have come to learn this truth-

 TEXT always equals NEXT…

Next please!

 Next filler in line, next thrill…next high….next person to pass the time.

I told my friend to watch it…guard his heart.

To me,  a person who is in a committed relationship, that is texting and carrying on communication on a daily basis with someone other than their partner-

That person is an intimacy junkie.

Period.

Now, that doesn’t mean that they are to blame. The person on the other end of the text makes the choice to take the bait and stay on the line.

But let’s face it-

There is about as much substance in text as there is in a piece of celery-

 You are basically gnawing on a stick of water…

Now, maybe if you were in the desert- a stick of water a.k.a. celery would be like a slice of heaven to you…

And maybe, in the desert of a committed, yet unhappy relationship- text “relations” is that slice of heaven to a person?

I think though when it comes to your heart-

All should text with caution…

Knowing- that just like anything else that comes with a warning label, sometimes there are risks and one should proceed with caution.

Intimacy junkies are those who need a fix of faux intimacy. While they play house with their girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands and wives.

They don’t get it from their own connection with their lover, yet they are not at a place yet with in themselves to face the truth and make the hard choices that might, just might make them happy.

We have all been there at one time or another in life.

I wonder what it is going to take for all of us to get real? When all around there are options to stay unauthentic?

The moral of this little Monday morning story?

TEXT always means NEXT.

Make sure you have other forms of communication, such as an actual physical conversation on the phone, a long hug- eye to eye contact and conversation…before allowing your heart to ponder sweet nothings…

Next time you find yourself texting someone on a regular basis, ask yourself what you are wanting out of it-

And if it is not to build connectedness, respect, value and friendship- check yourself:)

Last night it hit me-

In the midst of painting my nails and doing my hair-

As I sat in my cozy, little condo apartment…

 I was blankly staring into the refrigerator trying to come up with one little opinion or desire as to what might sound good for dinner-

 And that is when it hit me. I have become aTweener- 

You won’t find Tweener with google- at least not in the way I mean it.

A Tweener is a single who is in “between”-

Still young enough to be considered a “trophy” to the older generation and getting close to old enough to be eligible for the “cougar” category for the younger generation.

I moved on to the cabinets- blankly staring- recollecting the day’s events.

Earlier in the day I had been writing- at Starbucks- when this kid,

(You know you are getting old when you refer to a college student as “a kid”),

Anyway, this guy kept looking at me- I finally looked up and he gave this  sexy, little smile.

I didn’t know what to do- I think I blushed- for the first time in a long time. Not so much at his good looks or blatant confidence in flirting- but at the fact that I would lay down money that he wasn’t even of drinking age yet-

I fixed my eyes on my computer screen trying not to notice that he would not take his eyes off of me.

Finally he asks me a question- I had to take my headphones off so I could hear him-

“So, do you wear those headphones to keep guys like me from talking to you?”- He asks.

“No, I am actually listening to music…”- I respond- trying to sound professional or maybe motherly-

Anything but flirtatious.

He sat staring-

“I see you in here a lot-  always working hard- what are you working on?” he asks.

“I am working on editing a book and material for my website … so I am writing.” – I reply.

“Do you want to take a break and have lunch with me?”- he asks.

OK- I have to stop this now, I thought to myself.

Before I feel like I need to go to confession… and I am not even Catholic.

“How old are you?”- I ask him.

“How old do you think I am?”- He responds with a smile.

“Young enough to answer a question with a question.”- I reply dryly.

That got a smile out of him.

“I’m 19”- He says…” Why, is that an issue?”

I started laughing…as I replied, “ Uh, yeah… about a 16 year issue.”

He didn’t flinch…

“Look, you are very cute and seem to be a very nice guy, but I need to get back to writing and you need to get to someone from your decade.”- – I replied as I put my headphones back on.

He smiled and gave a little nod- got up and left.

So- last night as I sat and picked a bag of popcorn out of the pantry-

That is when it all became clear to  me-

I am a tweener single.

I can’t remember the last time a man my age actually approached me-

Fifty somethings- yes!

Forty somethings- yes!

19 year olds- yes!

Twenty somethings? Yes!

Hell, I have even had 70 somethings hit on me…

But a man- my age? a few…

I am lost- floating somewhere in between the older, mature man who wants a younger, mature woman-

And college kids who think I am borderline Cougar material…

I put my popcorn in the microwave and put a movie in…

Foreign…

I have been watching so many movies with subtitles lately that I was half way through an American one last time before I realized I had subtitles on…

I sat in my bed- freshly painted nails- eating popcorn for dinner-

When I realized…

I needed intervention-

I called my best friend in Florida-

“Hi my love”- she answered with her usually cheery, yet kinda  groggy voice.

“Am I calling too late?”- I asked her since she is one hour later.

“No, I was kind of asleep… but not really.”- She replied.

I kept it short-

“Love, if in the next year I get a cat- I want you to shoot me.” I said to her…

There! To the point.

She laughed out loud…I sat silent.

“Is that it?” – She asked, still laughing.

“Yep, that’s it. Go back to sleep…”

I hung up the phone and felt a little better.

I may not be able to change the tweener stage I am in right now.

But I can bring in the big guns to keep from going full out -stereotypical SINGLE!

I was invited to a party.

I walked through the door of the penthouse with a half feeling of dread, rising to the surface from the boiling pot of presumption and stereotypical thoughts swirling around in my mind.

My best friend looked at me and said , “ Uh, I think we are in pre-baby boomer land.”

I swallowed and replied back, “Pre- baby boomer my ass. We are in the land of Pre-nupers!”

20 something’s that are living off of trust funds in multi million dollar penthouses where the paintings on the walls are enough to make a mature art collector salivate- yet the owner is on the couch showing off his highest score on the latest video games- not the art collection.

I walked out on the balcony and just did what I do best…

I observed the sea of people before me.

I watched as the 20 something girls, who strangely enough all in some way resembled each other. Even though there were blonde’s(mostly), red heads and brunettes.

I watched these girls with there thousands of dollars of accessories and their hair tossing and their spray on tans…

I looked at the handbags and the shoes and the designer clothing-

And I thought to myself, what does this remind me of?

I was not being judgmental, only taking an honest observation of the scene I found myself in. I like my handbags, shoes and accessories too.

These girls had everything you could possibly need to be “hot” or be the center of attention. Minus one attribute.

Mystery.

Not one of them had that mystique that captures men and stops them in their tracks.

Not one of them had the perfume of intrigue that you can pick up from across the room on a sensuous woman.

I pointed that out to my friend. She agreed.

Again I asked myself what does this remind me of?

The handbags and shoes and jewelry and dresses?

And then it came to me-

Kitty litter.

Yep.  That is what came to me.

Kitty litter.

A cat can do its business and sit there over and over making sure that mess gets covered up.

But after all its hard work and underneath all the litter?

MESS is still there.

Kind of like the handbags. You can dress yourself up with the best, work really hard to make sure it is all “covered” up-

But underneath it is still a MESS.

My friend and I laughed at these young guys, realizing that they probably wouldn’t even know what to do with themselves outside of this “litter box”.

I decided to do a little test and told my friend, “Let’s try something. I am going to pick a guy and make eye contact with him. I am going to hold his gaze, unapologetically. I am going to stop his conversation in mid-sentence- I am going to make him blush like a little girlJ.”

She laughed and was up for the experiement.

We stood, backs against the counter when I spotted my contestant.

He was in a conversation with a couple of people, facing me.

I looked at him, he looked up at me- I did not look away. I did not smile. My lips slightly parted, I just stared.

My friend had to turn around to keep from laughing,  because he literally lost it. He couldn’t complete his sentence. Lost all concentration. Became so nervous he started fidgeting with his shirt and his pockets. Like a little school boy.

My best friend whispered under her breath, “Wow, that is amazing. It is like he has never seen a woman before.”

Yet, he was in a room full of them. 

Sensuality is a missing chip in a lot of the girls I witness today. That art form that old Hollywood portrayed so well.

Sensuality is not cheap or easy. It is wealth and an inner richness a woman possessess.

It is not contrived-

It is mystery and intrigue in its finest.

Inner confidence that has nothing to do with materialism or the strive for perfection.

The modern day Geisha. That can hold a man’s gaze and make him weak. That can carry on any conversation with knowledge and wit. That has mastered world knowledge and the arts. Multi dimensional like a kaleidoscope.

A Goddess.

And it comes from confidence of your whole nature. Knowing who you are and what you want.

Accepting yourself, the good and the not so good. Relying on more than the material for happiness and inner power or self assurance.

A woman, who when the lights go down, knows and loves herself all the more for it.

Not kitty litter cover up.

Or Prada and Jimmy ChooJ