Amy Venezia

Have I lost my mind? Maybe.

365 day challenge to write.

 Every day… no matter what.

I think it comes at the perfect time in my life.

Right when I thought I was figuring out some things, I find I have nothing figured out… at all.

I love that about the process of life.

Like pulling a thread that starts to unravel a sweater…you sit with a giant thread ball in your hands that used to be that sweater, and right when you think that is it…abracadabra! There is a new sweater in your hands with a piece of thread hanging down…the Universe knows that human nature is to pull on that piece of thread…even when you know it will start the unraveling.

That is how I see each phase and lesson placed in my hands…like a favorite sweater I just know is eventually going to unravel one day.

I used to fight that.

Not anymore. I welcome it. Once I realized that there would always be a new sweater to replace the old one:). That it was inevitable; the path that I have chosen. Not to sit still and just be, but to constantly move towards a better version of me. No matter how many mistakes I make in the process.

So tell me…what is the “favorite sweater” you have in your hands right now? The one that you have begun to pull the thread as you watch it come undone?

Right now, mine is my beliefs about romantic love. More so, my beliefs and understanding of the dynamics of how a man is made and a woman is made in relation to romantic love.

My story about it…my habitual ways of thinking and expectations… the unhealthy things that for lack of better words, get me off. Because they confirm the original belief I am holding on to. A belief that most likely blocks my progress or changing what I am creating…even when what I am creating brings me no fulfillment at all.

The type of man I am attracted to. The type of man I am not attracted to,  and why?

That is the “sweater” in my hands right now.

Would love to hear about yours…

I was listening to my Elvis radio station on XM radio today…

Driving down the road to a meeting, Don’t be cruel came on.

One of my favorites.

Don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true.

Got me thinking…

Why we do that.

Why it is human nature….

It is like what I wrote about on day 18…

How you look for it in the people who are not being true…the ones who refuse and withhold. Yet, the ones that are true, you treat unkind.

It is the epitome of being masochistic I suppose…

Think about it…if we truly were “normal” or “healthy” most of us would be able to take in and respect the love we get.

Healthy love.

But, there is that part of some of us that still lets it go unnoticed; spending our moments looking to and for it in the ones who don’t care to give it.

Don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true.

If someone is showing you love…whether it is taking time to reach out to you, someone complimenting you, someone listening to you, someone acknowledging the good in you…take it in. Stop what you are doing. Breathe it in…let yourself feel it. Acknowledge the other person…

That is being kind to a heart that is true.

I have noticed in my own life, how when I take the time to fully be present in those moments, it seems those moments multiply in my life.

But, the times I have cut off that flow, by standing with clenched jaw, waiting and waiting for that one I so want to feel love from…

Those times it seems love is sparse.

I’ve had to learn over the years…I do everything the hard way. I don’t give up easily…

I have fought for love before…

Now, I realize that is a hopeless battle.

One of my readers, Herbert Rogers said to me today, “There is nothing you can do to cause someone to love you or stop them from not loving you.”

No truer words spoken.

My best friend Alice always tells me, “There is nothing wrong you can say to the right person..and nothing right you can say to the wrong person.”

I am learning to let go of those people in life that don’t find love from me on their wish list…I am learning to walk away from that type of person in my life…the ones who are cruel to a heart that is true.

How about you? Is there someone in your life that has been there for you, shown you love, attention, respect…and you have not acknowledged that?

Are there people in your life that because they are kind, you find you are not attracted enough to fully allow yourself to experience the love they offer?

Just some thoughts…

Don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true.

Day 19…

People are acting strange today.

Ever have one of those days?

Where either, you are the sensitive one picking up on everyone’s neurosis…or, it is a full moon and people are just acting crazy.

It has been one of those days for me and I have just sat there trying to maintain balance on my little island of Amy…while everyone else does there thing.

In these days we are living in, it is becoming harder and harder to maintain a sense of balance. Most of the people around me self medicate to achieve that sense.

I don’t want to go through life numb. Or, treating life like a litter box…you have all the crap but, are covering it up…well, guess what? It is still crap and it isn’t going anywhere…unless you clean it out.

Covering it up doesn’t clean it out.

Same with life.

You have to make the decision to remove it. That is what I have fallen in love with when it comes to life.

I am in love with free will.

The freedom to choose, hey… I don’t want you or this in my life.  

I don’t want to be a spectator, watching as things enter my life…stay and camp out in my life…like squatters… all the while, I just sit there…smoking up or boozing up or sexing up…while those “things” remain.

No. That is not how I will live my life.

I want to experience it head on. Look it dead in the eye. Love myself enough to make a choice. Live with that choice….and,

Choose again.

Brings a whole new meaning to Choose life.

 Life is not meant to be a kitty litter cover up. Life is a process of constant movement and change. It takes guts to live every day wide open…

That is what I realized today in watching those around me…

Choose your own life. Choose to have eyes wide open. Then a mind wide open …which leads to a heart wide open.

Those are my thoughts today…day 19.

Random Amy thoughts:)

I just watched Hot tub time machine.

If you haven’t seen it, do it.

Funny, especially if you grew up in the 80’s.

After the movie I made myself a cup of hot green tea. And, as I was standing there staring…waiting for the signs of boiling water, I looked up and noticed one of my cookbooks was upside down.

I am not sure if I noticed it because it was upside down or, because I am hungry and the back cover is like a ‘food porn’ shot of profiteroles….

Either way, I picked it up and began looking through it.

It was my Grandmother’s cookbook. She loved anything having to do with the French…her Great Grandfather came over to Savannah, Georgia from France.

I flipped through the pages finding notes she had written. She had the most beautiful penmanship. She was a writer in her own right. When she passed away, we found boxes of journals where she had written over the span of her lifetime…her thoughts. She would have been a blogger today:).

What I found odd is one of the only recipes she wrote down, Crème Cheese Crepes with Apricot Sauce, she dated July 8, in the top right hand corner. That is my Birthday…obviously, a few days from now.

I looked at the beautiful way she wrote her “j” in July…I stared thinking about how even when we are gone a part of us still lives…on an old sheet of paper…providing the steps for perfect Crème Cheese Crepes.

Maybe I am just emotional right now. Maybe, the last 15 days of taking the time to stop and listen to what I wanted to speak out…maybe, this has caused a flow of sorts.

But, I can’t help but think my Grandmother is here with me now as I write this post.

What would she have done differently in her life? That is what I would ask her.

Just like the Hot tub time machine…(I had to lighten it up a little)…

If given the chance to choose again, would we choose differently?

I did something some time ago, that to some…I am sure, will be a little out there.

But, I was praying one day…in bed…thinking of specific instances in life, over the years, that I really wanted to get past. To let go of. There were a few hurts with people that although, I had forgiven…still lingered around at times.

I thought to myself, what if I could go back to each one of these instances and relive them in my head, except this time, play it out in my mind the way I WISH it would have turned out. A kind of meditation…

So, I did just that. It helped me to get in touch with the disappointment, the hurt…everything I felt that I was just stuffing down in order to move on.

It isn’t that I necessarily gave some Pollyanna ending in my head…I just played what it would feel like to have a legitimate conversation with the person that set it all back to good.

Since then, three of those four circumstances have mended in ways that have shocked me.

One of them, I got an email out of the blue from the person.

The other, I ran into the person and they apologized.

The other, I got a phone call.

And the 4th? I really don’t care anymore…that is the beauty in the whole thing…it heals on a level in yourself…and, nothing else matters because the initial hurt dissolves. My little formula for forgiveness and moving foward in life.

I think that is what my Grandmother’s response would be to me right now. Don’t wait until it is too late…you have the power in yourself, to turn it all around, now.

Just let go of what you think and feel is the “reality” of the outcome…and give yourself permission to imagine a wildly different outcome. Who cares! It is done and over with anyway right?

Just imagine it the way you WISH it would have turned out. Then let it go.

In a way, you have gone back in your Hot tub time machine…and changed your feelings about it.

And, when your feelings change from negative to positive about a situation…you will be amazed at what can occur.

This is my doo-do-doo-do-doo-do-doo-do post of the 30 day challenge;)

Oh, and, I love you Grandmama…:)

The TEN things I love on this Friday, day 12 of my 30 day challenge to write!

1. That this morning I held a baby who made my heart smile…and, then an hour later, I held a puppy that made my heart smile…by the time I went to my next meeting I wanted to hold an adult and make them smile.

2. My friends and my family. Every morning the moment my eyes open, before I get out of bed I say “thank you”. I think of each person in my life…see their face in my mind…and say, “thank you”. It is my little ritual that starts every one of my days reminding me how blessed I really am.

3. Dancing…I could dance ALL night long.

4. My good friend Mag’s made me 2 mix CD’s this week! Just makes me giddy.

5. Looking up and catching a man’s eyes that  takes your breath away…but… never showing it;).

6. Hearing from all my readers. It always makes me happy and feel grateful for what I do and the gift of connection.

7. When someone is kind hearted.

8. Romance in all its mysterious forms.

9. Working out…the satisfaction in the burn…and, of course, the results.

10. How I was just thinking this week that I miss hearing the birds sing in my new place…and, yesterday I am in my bedroom making up the bed…I look up and there is a Blue Jay sitting on the railing of my balcony…23 floors up! Like he came to say , “Hey there…we miss you too!”;)

 Happy Friday!!

Last night, while drinking wine with friends…I was thinking about some friends in my life who are going through hard times. I have quite a few people I know who in the last week or two have been struggling…

One in particular got the gift of me leaving a vino induced voicemail about my thoughts last night…poor person!:)

I got to thinking how hard we are on ourselves. We are judgmental, noisy, projecting individuals to others a lot of the times. We all do it. But, we are even more so to ourselves.

I call it the ‘silent killer’… most of us are completely oblivious to how much we turn on ourselves in this life.

What if we are living life upside down? The times we berate ourselves for a mistake made…what if those mistakes made are more beautiful than all the moments of doing right in life?

More beautiful because they help to chip away at us…chiseling away until we start to show our character…

Like Michelangelo’s David.

What if mistakes, losses, disappointments, failures, betrayals…what if these are the chisel sculpting a masterpiece?

Did you know Michelangelo’s David went through two other sculptors hands before he got a hold of it?

The first was Agostine di Duccio…he only got as far as beginning to shape the legs and feet.

Then Rossellino was commissioned to continue making David…the marble sat neglected for 25 years.

Finally, Michelangelo was commissioned and completed to perfection this masterpiece.

Makes me wonder about the process of life…

We come in like a giant slab of marble…our childhood starting to chip and chisel a form…

We learn, we grow…and then by the next stage…adolescence , young adult hood…a more evolved hand starts the chiseling…

And , then as we grow older…learn more….evolve even higher…an even more evolved self takes over the sculpting…

What if we all have in us in various stages of life a Agostine di Ducci, those first life lessons that begin forming our masterpiece called life.

And, at other times we have a Rossellino…that doesn’t work for much growth. Get’s stuck. Stands paralyzed in life as the years pass and no new strikes to the marble of character?

What if we all at the perfect time in life, have a Michelangelo in us that takes over and finally takes what all the years have tried to do…and with the strike of the chisel…over and over…creates one of the most stunning masterpieces of all time…you.

What if that time you let someone down and it hurt you so bad to see them hurt…what if that was a strike…and, then the time you cheated because, you weren’t being honest with yourself about what you were really needing…what if that was another strike…what if the time you disappointed someone you loved…another strike….what if that time someone broke your heart…another strike.

And, slowly…strike after strike…you begin to see detail, character, strength, light, shadows, beauty, marks truly unique and only yours…what if you start to see truth…

What if strike after strike you start to see…YOU.

What if we are living life upside down?

Thinking all along that these painful things in life are something to be detested and shamed…

When really they are true gifts, of a Master’s hands?

Just a thought…

Immortality, chivalry, ravenous sex, soul mates, romance, valor, protection, magic, mystery, desire, passion, loyalty, mindreading, diving into the depths of one’s own darkness just to be saved by one’s own light in the nick of time….

Bella, Edward, Bill, Sookie…

Is there really a question as to why Vampires have stolen the hearts of people across this suppressed country?

What woman doesn’t want her man looking at her like he can’t cross the room  quick enough to devour her?

What man doesn’t want the innocent yet, passionate woman who is in utter adoration towards them…in such need of their protection.

Obviously, the vampire story is nothing new. The Vampire story plays on the very basic and primal needs in both men and women.

Being wanted and needed? The basic nutrients and miracle growth needed to a male ego.

Being faithful, loyal, protective and having ‘eyes only for you’…can’t help myself, it is in my basic makeup to want you and only you? Everything a woman has ever wanted in a man.

Having an excuse or free pass to have neck twisting, explosive sex (had to watch True Blood to get that one)…walking a constant fine line between love and hate…acting on your every urge and passion…if, even just for a day?

Could go on and on…

There are so many reasons this is sweeping the nation…

But, the number one being…they are literally hitting a vein in our world right now. The irony in it all is instead of being bloodsucking villains, vampires are helping put the blood back into a dry and becoming heartless, society.

I was in Borders books the other day and one of the cashiers asked me what I thought about the whole Twilight series…

She was young, maybe just in college. For some reason, she felt I was the one to make conversation with.

I stood there as she looked at me, waiting for my answer.

I looked at her and said, “It comes down to what we all want. Chemistry so powerful with another; connection so deep it is almost psychic. Passion so strong it is like a force in its own. Love so true, it is eternal. And, some kind of bond between each other that no matter what another does; you will always come back to that bond. ”

What a relief…pressure all off. Knowing you can make a mistake. Knowing no mistake is big enough to break it. Nothing can separate you from the love of the other. It is destined. A sure thing. It is forever.

I am going to get really deep here…try and come with me:).

If there is such thing as a Higher Power, if you believe at all, no matter what your beliefs. Isn’t that what we are all trying to get back to every day? Feeling that nothing can separate us from that love? There is no mistake that will make that love turn away. The feeling that no matter what we choose, what path we end up walking, we won’t be forsaken. We won’t experience loss.

Maybe that is why we search and long for it so much in another person. Because, there is this whole in all of us…a part of us that wants to acknowledge the shadow side of being human, as well as the light and be loved for it all. No matter what.

Or, maybe we’re just fascinated…;)

Every time I tried to sit and write today, I fought like a five year old at bedtime.

There was something I needed to get up and do. A phone call I needed to make. An errand I needed to run.

So, I decided to post on Facebook that I was stuck and needed some ideas…

The first response? “Just write.”

I replied back, sarcastically mind you, “Thanks Socrates.”

And now, here I am writing about Socrates.

I would hope everyone reading this knows of Socrates. If not, he was a Greek philosopher; considered the wisest man in the world. Put to death because of his opinions and teachings.

He was greatly influenced by Plato. He was also greatly influenced by a woman named Diotima.

Diotima was in Plato’s Symposium. And, since most of the characters in Plato’s writings turned out to be actual historical figures and not characters. It is said that Diotima was a real person.

She was a philosopher…a seer…a phrophetess. Her ideas about love are what Plato built his platonic love concept upon.

What she believed of love has been choked out and overlooked for centuries now.

But, somewhere in me, I drink from her well of beliefs…always have.

Diotima believed that loving another is a means to getting higher… to thinking and understanding about the Divine.

She believed that beauty and loveliness in another inspired the mind of the observer, directing the soul’s attention to higher ways.

According to her, when you recognize the beauty in another, you are acknowledging Divinity.

It reminds me of Tantra, which I have studied over the years.

 I am a “sensual” woman. I am not ashamed to say that. It is part of who I am. But, sometimes because that is part of my essence, people assume about my beliefs when it comes to intimacy.

I believe love is Sacred. I also believe sex is Sacred. I believe every time you share your body with someone you are sharing your soul. I choose very wisely. I treat it with respect.

Tantra, in a sense,  reminds me of Diotima’s language. But, that fits less and less in the society we live in today. We are way off the path of the heart.

Where we have gotten way off the path of the heart is we have disconnected sex from the heart. We have disconnected intimacy from love. And, it is not just in the areas of sex and love. But, in the very way in which we communicate with each other now.

We have women who don’t take responsibility for their bodies and have learned that they can’t really rely on the old beliefs about love. They can’t really trust.  As a result they have developed a “if you can’t fight em’, join em’ …” mentality. Now they try to mimic men in sexuality.

We have men who have become so disconnected from intimacy they wouldn’t know what it meant to “feel” a deep connection if it kicked them in the teeth.

If the women are becoming less emotional and the men are becoming even more unemotional…where is the heart?

Look around you. Where is the heart in the world today? Where is the soul?

When is the last time you recognized the beauty in someone. Not outer…inner.

A light in someone, the soul. And, when recognizing that light in the person, you feel an almost awe…not for them… but, for something higher than both of you?

When is the last time you treated intimacy as something Sacred? Something magical? Something that demanded your whole being…all of your attention…your respect…your offering.

When is the last time you realized that every time you love you are reconnecting with a part of yourself so deep, so ancient, so Divine…

So beautiful.

Sometimes it is good to look back into history. Look back to the very pulse of those times…and see how much stronger their hearts beat for love.

I choose to see the beauty…in you… in me. How about you? Why not start your day tomorrow with recognizing it in everyone you come across. No matter how small…find some beauty in that person.

I bet your day becomes…well, BEAUTIFUL:).

What’s love got to do with it?

I’m not talking about Tina Turner. I am talking about just what exactly “qualifies” as “real love” in romantic relationships.

This morning I came across a documentary talking about love and how it affects our brains and how that then affects our judgment.

Studies have proven that when we feel sexual attraction for another and when that attraction turns to “love”, our brains create Dopamine. Dopamine is created in the ‘craving and reward’ part of the brain; the addictive part of the brain.

What fascinated me was when they conducted their research, they did an experiment that ended up proving that love, in general, has the same effects as a pain killer!

Women and men were hooked up to machines that caused a burning sensation; painful but, tolerable. The experiment showed that the level of pain felt changed dramatically when those same people were shown pictures of their loved ones on a laptop. Significantly!

Good ole’ Dopamine.

I took the remote control and turned off the TV as I stared out the window thinking…

If love is like dope…then, just how real is it?

And, when time spent with a person turns into less and less dopamine created…is that what we consider “falling out of love”?

We have all been there…the crack head to someone else’s essence…

Jonesing for a person who kidnaps and holds hostage your thoughts, while demanding the ransom of your heart and all rational thinking. We have all tasted the deliciousness of that first “hit” after being away for a while.

It has always fascinated me, watching couples that seem madly in love fall completely out of a love over night… all that “love” evaporating like a ghost.

I call it Casper love. When you wake up one morning and it has dissolved like Casper the friendly ghost and nothing you can do to conjure it back up and make it reappear.

Have we, as a society become addicted to the hot wasabi kind of experience that leaves us jonesing vs. the slow burn of a lesser passionate experience?

Less and less people are in it for the long haul. Less and less people are believing in ‘till death do us part”.

The definition of love has changed dramatically from my Parent’s generation to my own.

The lines are being redrawn every day and the neat, little box we used to trap love in has fallen apart.

If biologically we are made to feel high as a kite when we come in contact with a person we are drawn to then, are we all just love sick crack heads that have made up some desperate story called “ever after” in hopes of always being able to score?

At this point in my life, I look at love like I look at tequila…

You have your 7.50 a shot tequila and you have your $200 a shot tequila. Both make you feel the end result of what you are drinking it for in the first place…one tastes tingy and the other smooth as silk. One gives you a wicked hangover, the other lets you be. I guess it all comes down to what you believe you can afford. Same with love. Until you know your net worth is enough to cover the costs…you choose a cheaper watered down version of it.

 As I get more and more healthy and balanced in life, I stay more and more away from the hot wasabi kind of love experience. The one that sets you on fire…the one you can see from a mile away is going to end up wreaking havoc in your world…the Cuervo kind of love.

I have learned over time the temporary insanity that comes with delirious attraction to a person. I have learned to not act on it where as to not have to plead temporary insanity down the road of less than intelligent decisions.

But, I am also at a place in life where the slow burn of a lesser passionate experience doesn’t rock my world as much…

And so, at this point in my life, I choose to be single until I find common ground between the two.

I believe there has to be fire and there has to be friendship if it is going to work. A perfect alchemy of the two that feels like exploding firecrackers falling out of the sky… yet shows up night after night as reliable as the stars.

No one will ever be able to grasp the final and true definition of love…it is too expansive and ever changing. But, at least now we know…

Love is dope.

I guess that means that we are all living under the influence;).

Going out has become a social experiment for me. Not only do I always gain a new reader or two…but, I also end up playing psychologist. Literally, the conversation will turn from the guy initially thinking he is going to hit on me, to him lying on my little invisible futon and….contrary to what women believe…talking about his feelings.

Don’t know why that is…but, it does make me love what I do all the more.

Men want to talk. They do.

If I could sum up in one sentence the advice I would give to a woman wanting a successful and honest relationship I would say, “Think like a wife…act like a mistress.”

Let me say that again…

THINK LIKE A WIFE… ACT LIKE A MISTRESS.

Just like the basic traits of a man will not change, neither will a woman’s.

Women will always know what a man is saying even when he is saying nothing at all. Women will always see through the BS. Women will always have the inclination to mother their man. Women will always want to assume…

So, I say keep thinking that way…don’t fight it. But, what you can do is from the thought forming in your mind to the time it takes to put that thought into a sentence, an accusation, an assumption…. Think WWMD!

WWMD…what would mistress do?

Mistress would listen. Mistress would not force a conversation. Mistress would keep it light hearted. Mistress would choose affection over confrontation. Mistress would allow the man to think for himself. Mistress would allow him to talk about it when he is good and ready, if never. Mistress would not interrupt. Mistress would create a safe space he wants to run to when he gets stressed…confused…or just needs to be himself without being pulled in a million different directions.

Now, I can hear it as I type this…

But, ladies, centuries and centuries of hitting a brick wall; in case you haven’t figured it out…you aren’t going to change a man. It is like looking at a pig and spending your days convinced if you try a little harder, nag a little longer, guilt a little stronger that pig will become a unicorn.

I tell you what does expand a man’s consciousness. What is like super growth to a man’s evolution…being a whole female…the way you are intended to be. A container…

Picture it this way, you are a container and your man is water…he feels safe enough to pour himself into you…now, if you will just be whole…just be beautiful woman energy you will help direct the flow of where that man goes because it is in your walls that he is contained…but, if you force and squeeze and suffocate and push…just like water that man will literally escape from your container.

Go ahead and have it all figured out…we are smart that way:). Go ahead and have your opinion, I agree that it is probably correct…go ahead and have those desires for something more from him…think like a wife-

But, when you deliver what it is you are wanting from him…

WWMD.

That is all I am saying. Trust me, you will see results. It is not manipulation. It is becoming closer to the truth of who you are and want to be in the first place. No woman feels good having to belittle her man into submission to her wants and needs. Yet, women do it every day.

With ZERO results. In fact, the exact opposite results of what they are wanting.

Think like a wife but, act like a mistress.

I think I have my next book…