Amy Venezia

 

 

 

The TEN things I LOVE on this FRIDAY!

 

 

 

1. Watching the snow fall while in my bed writing this…

 

 

 

 

2. That the threat of being snowed in for some reason gave me the excuse to buy bacon… I hardly ever eat bacon~ but looking forward to a yummy bacon and egg sandwichJ

 

 

 

 

3. How life gives you the opportunity to run into someone who really did you some damage in a hurtful way a long time ago- and yet you find you just feel love for them. That is a really cool feeling.

 

 

 

 

 

4. Wearing my hair in pigtails…it just makes me feel five again.

 

 

 

 

 

5. When I look up and see a man for the first time…and with that one look from him, he reminds me in all the right ways that I am all womanJ

 

 

 

 

 

6. Sea salt and vinegar chips…

 

 

 

 

7. Watching the people in our country step up and help Haiti, even in our financial state right now…

 

 

 

 

 

8. Laughing so hard my cheeks hurt…

 

 

 

 

 

9. Pandora radio…

 

 

 

 

10. That the snow day today has given me the opportunity to stay at home and finish writing this new bookJ No excuses…

 

 

 

 

Happy Friday!!

 

 

The TEN things I LOVE on this FRIDAY!

 

 

 

 

1. How I got behind a giant, jacked up truck this week- only to see a fake pair of balls hanging from the dude’s trailer hitch. I don’t know if you have ever seen that before? But, even though traffic was bad and I was stuck behind him for what seemed like an eternity? Every time those babies swung back and forth, I cracked up…very much needed that.

 

2. Sitting on the glass at a hockey game- no other way to watch it than that.

 

3. Watching snow fall while lying in my warm bed. A very peaceful feeling…

 

4. My friends, I love my friends this Friday- thankful to have such inspiring and giving people in my life.

 

5. Men… I love men. I have such a support system around me of men that love me, encourage me, protect me…and I totally believe it is for that fact alone. That I love them, for all the differences and brilliance.

 

6. I love what I do. I love hearing from the people who take the time to read my thoughts…everyday I am humbled in the outreach and connections that I make. I love the written word- Love it like a LOVERJ

 

7. Living downtown…I love feeling the pulse of a city.

 

8. Soul connections. Those rare times in life when I lay eyes on a person and something very deep inside just knows…this is a person who is going to move me…something very deep just knows in that one moment, there is no turning back- those people who stir your soul and help you discover that pain and beauty can be felt in the exact same moment- and so you learn that like a two sided coin, they really are one in the same. Those people that forever alter how you were living life and what you believed in before they crossed your path…I love those people.

 

9. The scent of my skin when I get out of the shower…so I guess I love my soapJ

 

10.  Romance- today I love and celebrate romance in my life.

 

HAPPY FRIDAY!

Another year-

 

Another year flown by.  

 

Packed with learning, growing, laughter, pain, healed relationships, broken relationships, creations, disappointments and successes.

 

New Years Eve has always been my favorite holiday.

 

I spend it different than most.

 

Alone.

 

By choice.

 

When I was not a struggling writerJ, I would book a hotel room…order room service and champagne…make myself a hot bath~ and truly examine the year passed and what I want to create in the year to come.

 

I take the time to visualize my New Year- which to me is the most important part of New Years Eve and Day.

 

Oh… I miss those daysJ

 

But I can do the same with out the pampering this year.

 

I never really got getting so hammered at a party that you wake up on the first day of the New Year already having to account for lost moments and brain cells.

 

I went out this weekend for the first time in a long time. I am glad I did.

 

It was a good reminder.

 

I met friends out that I have known for over a decade. One friend who was trying to get in my pants then and ten years later? Still trying…

 

I sat there drinking my gin with St. Germain…

 

Thinking how some things don’t change. How did I find myself, over a decade later, having the same conversation?

 

I have come to look at people in my life as lessons.

 

Always presenting lessons.

 

Nothing happened between us ten years ago, and nothing happened between us this weekend- just the normal flirting and fun conversation.

 

But still, I have to look at the place in which I find myself.

 

Having to not only make that decision, but having to explain that decision to someone who doesn’t want to listen to standards or reasons…

 

There is this part of me that wants to throw out my stilettos and flirtations – and go on some kind of global trip where I don’t  wear a speck of makeup or have to say no to anyone because I am not being asked for anything. I am only serving and giving and learning.

 

I am tired of assumptions I suppose.

 

I am social, connected and flirtatious. I am sensual. I love to dress up and look feminine.

 

I like conversation and laughter. Good food, good wine, good music, dancing…

 

But I have standards. And I have discipline and convictions.

 

And at this point in my life, where I am single by choice and enjoying my solitude and personal growth, I just don’t want to keep attracting men that want something I am not offering.

 

Although, I am deep enough to take responsibility for what I am attracting in my life.

 

 

Seems to be two extremes in the single world-

 

Either, not getting hit on at all and feeling lonely and borderline desperate~

 

Or getting hit on a lot, by men who haven’t taken the time to notice that you aren’t even on the playing field.

 

It is an interesting time in the world to be single- with so many changes on the relationship dynamic home front…

 

Changes in the dynamics between men and women.

 

Just me thinking out loud as the New Year approaches…life is such an adventure and fun if you make it that way. Even the lessons…

How will you spend your New Years? And how closely will you look at your life over the year and make the choice for change?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh Twilight! Oh New moon! Oh Edward!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh My?

 

 

 

 

I do everything backwards…or better said, late.

 

 

 

 

 

It took me six years to finally watch Titanic when it first came out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anything society runs to? I usually run from.

 

 

 

 

 

Has always been my way.

 

 

 

 

 

So, of course, in the airport the other day- I decide to buy a copy of “ New Moon” to read on the plane.

 

 

 

 

 

Mind you, I have not read the first in the series- “ Twilight”, or seen the movie.

 

 

 

 

 

Up until that point I had been a bit confused about the phenomenon of Edward and Bella.

 

 

 

 

 

Granted, their are some hot people in the movie…

 

 

 

 

But enough to set a nation and parts of the world in some chaotic explosion of hormones-ranging from the high school student to the stay at home mother?

 

 

 

 

 

I wasn’t half way through the book when it was so utterly clear to me.

 

 

 

 

 

Can you believe we are living in a time when the love of and from a VAMPIRE has more heart in it  than the love in most human relations to date?

 

Ironic as it may seem-

 

 

 

 

 

It is the truth. The Vampire has more heart…

 

 

 

 

 

No wonder the teenagers are nuts over it- it actually has life, passion, devotion, patience, and the ever so dying belief in soul mates too?

 

 

 

 

 

Something that The Hills, Paris Hilton, reality TV and half of the music created today is lacking-

 

 

 

 

 

HEART AND SOUL.

 

 

 

I’m not saying it is 100 % realistic- but isn’t that what every human secretly longs for?

 

 

 

 

 

The hope or even chance there is another out there- that the tie that binds is so great and strong with- that no matter who or what may come its way, the bond cannot be broken.

 

 

 

 

 

But in a society where women have started taking on the role of sexual aggressors and commitment phobic’s- and men are taking on the role of silent martyrs and double life jugglers of their thoughts and desires vs. what is expected and accepted in order to keep peace-

 

 

 

 

 

There is no room for soul anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

No, soul is being choked out by the weeds of narcissistic, self gratifying soul extinguishers- kind of the “Vampires” of our time.

 

 

 

 

 

Yet it brings a smile to my face to see how many millions are nostalgic…

 

 

 

 

 

Remembering destiny, fiery love and sacrifice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I took myself on a little date to see New moon. Mostly because I am too empathetic to drag a man out to it- all I would be doing is picking up his ducking behind my hair and the bag of popcorn hoping he isn’t going to run into someone he knows.

 

 

 

 

 

No, I wanted to watch it with no distractions.

 

 

 

 

 

 I was twice the age of every girl in there…

 

 

 

 

 

I thought to myself, uh oh-

 

 

 

 

 

Someone better warn these girls that if they are expecting a smooth, poetic, passionate, fiercely loyal and “eyes for one girl only” type of guy in life…

 

 

 

 

 

That is the part that bothered me the most.

 

 

 

 

 

That and Bella- the girl willing to give up her life, her soul and her everything. All that mattered in her existence was him…

 

 

 

 

 

Romantic? Yes.

 

 

 

 

 

Beautifully romantic.

 

 

 

 

 

But how is it we either have love that is to that extreme, Bella and Edwards…or love like we see on the Bachelor, pick em’ like a race horse…may the best one win.

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t know about you, but the more the days pass on, the more my soul is begging for some balance.

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t want to ever lose myself again when it comes to love-

 

 

 

 

 

But I don’t want to have the depth of a pothole either.

 

 

 

 

 

I want to dive deep, but also be able to touch my toes to the bottom at times.

 

 

 

 

 

Can you really call it love if there is a guarantee?

 

 

 

 

 

So easy to love others when they love you back.

 

 

 

 

 

But what of love and vulnerability when the outcome is unsure?

 

 

 

 

 

In today’s world and today’s cultures, how is love being re-defined?

 

 

 

 

 

I think the best bet is to not “define” love at all.

 

 

 

 

 

Just let it be.

 

 

 

 

 

 It is an innate instinct in us. That when left to run wild and free-  is true because it is true to oneself first.

 

 

 

 

 

Although, I could handle being bitten by Robert Pattinson:)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is it a curse or a blessing to be young and single in the year 2009?

 

 

 

To walk the line between obligation relations of my parents generation and instant gratification relations of my generation.

 

 

 

Sometimes I envy the days when there was no text or email to add to the delusion that hormones and endorphins already provoke in attraction.

 

 

 

As I sat talking with a friend this morning this is what came to mind…

 

 

 

My friend has been texting and emailing every day with someone who is in a committed relationship-

 

 

 

I have been there, same boat, over the last couple years. Thinking you have a foundation of a friendship or a connection that is growing-

 

 

 

But then, just like the erase button on your phone or the delete button on your email- you find that the foundation was about as solid as a cloud.

Now, I am not talking about people you are doing business with or talking with for other reasons than personal…

And personally, I don’t really like  talking on the phone. I much more prefer to talk through text or email unless it is a conversation that needs that kind of attention.

 

 

 

Anyway,  here is my friend, starting to have feelings for a person that shares a home and dogs and bank accounts and life with her boyfriend- yet has this little communication going on everyday through text and email.

 

 

 

My friend really diggs this girl…and their growing friendship…

 

 

 

However,

 

 

 

 

 

In the realm of communication, I have come to learn this truth-

 

 

 

 

 TEXT always equals NEXT…

 

 

 

Next please!

 

 

 Next filler in line, next thrill…next high….next person to pass the time.

 

 

 

I told my friend to watch it…guard his heart.

 

 

 

To me,  a person who is in a committed relationship, that is texting and carrying on communication on a daily basis with someone other than their partner-

 

 

 

That person is an intimacy junkie.

 

 

 

Period.

 

 

 

Now, that doesn’t mean that they are to blame. The person on the other end of the text makes the choice to take the bait and stay on the line.

 

 

 

But let’s face it-

 

 

 

There is about as much substance in text as there is in a piece of celery-

 

 

 

 You are basically gnawing on a stick of water…

 

 

 

Now, maybe if you were in the desert- a stick of water a.k.a. celery would be like a slice of heaven to you…

 

 

 

And maybe, in the desert of a committed, yet unhappy relationship- text “relations” is that slice of heaven to a person?

 

 

 

I think though when it comes to your heart-

 

 

 

All should text with caution…

 

 

 

Knowing- that just like anything else that comes with a warning label, sometimes there are risks and one should proceed with caution.

 

 

 

Intimacy junkies are those who need a fix of faux intimacy. While they play house with their girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands and wives.

 

 

 

They don’t get it from their own connection with their lover, yet they are not at a place yet with in themselves to face the truth and make the hard choices that might, just might make them happy.

 

 

 

We have all been there at one time or another in life.

 

 

 

I wonder what it is going to take for all of us to get real? When all around there are options to stay unauthentic?

 

 

 

The moral of this little Monday morning story?

 

 

 

TEXT always means NEXT.

 

 

 

Make sure you have other forms of communication, such as an actual physical conversation on the phone, a long hug- eye to eye contact and conversation…before allowing your heart to ponder sweet nothings…

Next time you find yourself texting someone on a regular basis, ask yourself what you are wanting out of it-

And if it is not to build connectedness, respect, value and friendship- check yourself:)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. The squirrel that got a smile out of me this morning. He was sitting in front of my truck eating…and he was going at it 90 to nothin’- I mean he didn’t even take a second to breathe… I looked at him and thought “I feel you man”- since I am known to eat like that…then I thought that maybe there is a good possibility I was  a squirrel in a past life…that got the smile out of me.

 

 

2. How a broken heart is a heart that has loved in some capacity. Period. And when it comes down to it, that is something to be grateful for.

 

3. When I see feathers on the ground as I am walking somewhere. For some reason I see it as the Angels saying, “We are here…”.

 

4.  How, when I went to eat pancakes this week I found I couldn’t even finish half of one…I thought to myself, how can it be that when I was  little I could scarf down three and now I can’t even finish one? I then realized when I was five I wasn’t drinking quad shot mocha’s ten minutes before pancake time. Might have somethin’ to do with it?

 

5. My friends who held me up when I couldn’t stand this week…you know who you are and I love you. Thank you.

 

6. Compassion. If you don’t  hold it for yourself and others? Your love and your faith is nothin’ but a scam. This week? I chose compassion~ strangely enough, not for another, but for me. That was a huge revelation for me this week. A 35 year coming revelation.

 

7. My nephew telling me how excited he is that “thanks” day is coming. So beautiful.

 

8. Lady Gaga’s new song “Bad Romance” and the artistically killer video…

 

9. That I am like the energizer bunny…I can take a lickin’ and keep on ticken’…I acknowledge the fighter in me.

 

10. Humility- not the kind religion shoves down throats- humility in the sense that when you experience something in life that causes great pain and exposes your weaknesses and wounds, it can be accepted with open arms -on bended knees, knowing that an opportunity has been presented to you to heal and be even better in the next moment. I cannot put into words the love I feel for a Universe that would be so loving as to give a chance to make beauty from ashes. THAT IS LOVE.

 

Happy Friday…

 

 

 

 

 

Last night it hit me-

 

 

 

In the midst of painting my nails and doing my hair-

 

 

As I sat in my cozy, little condo apartment…

 

 

 I was blankly staring into the refrigerator trying to come up with one little opinion or desire as to what might sound good for dinner-

 

 

 

 And that is when it hit me. I have become aTweener- 

 

 

You won’t find Tweener with google- at least not in the way I mean it.

A Tweener is a single who is in “between”-

Still young enough to be considered a “trophy” to the older generation and getting close to old enough to be eligible for the “cougar” category for the younger generation.

I moved on to the cabinets- blankly staring- recollecting the day’s events.

Earlier in the day I had been writing- at Starbucks- when this kid,

(You know you are getting old when you refer to a college student as “a kid”),

Anyway, this guy kept looking at me- I finally looked up and he gave this  sexy, little smile.

I didn’t know what to do- I think I blushed- for the first time in a long time. Not so much at his good looks or blatant confidence in flirting- but at the fact that I would lay down money that he wasn’t even of drinking age yet-

I fixed my eyes on my computer screen trying not to notice that he would not take his eyes off of me.

Finally he asks me a question- I had to take my headphones off so I could hear him-

“So, do you wear those headphones to keep guys like me from talking to you?”- He asks.

“No, I am actually listening to music…”- I respond- trying to sound professional or maybe motherly-

 

 

Anything but flirtatious.

He sat staring-

“I see you in here a lot-  always working hard- what are you working on?” he asks.

 

 

“I am working on editing a book and material for my website … so I am writing.” – I reply.

 

 

“Do you want to take a break and have lunch with me?”- he asks.

OK- I have to stop this now, I thought to myself.

 

 

Before I feel like I need to go to confession… and I am not even Catholic.

“How old are you?”- I ask him.

 

 

“How old do you think I am?”- He responds with a smile.

 

 

“Young enough to answer a question with a question.”- I reply dryly.

 

 

That got a smile out of him.

“I’m 19”- He says…” Why, is that an issue?”

I started laughing…as I replied, “ Uh, yeah… about a 16 year issue.”

He didn’t flinch…

“Look, you are very cute and seem to be a very nice guy, but I need to get back to writing and you need to get to someone from your decade.”- – I replied as I put my headphones back on.

 

 

He smiled and gave a little nod- got up and left.

So- last night as I sat and picked a bag of popcorn out of the pantry-

That is when it all became clear to  me-

I am a tweener single.

I can’t remember the last time a man my age actually approached me-

Fifty somethings- yes!

Forty somethings- yes!

19 year olds- yes!

Twenty somethings? Yes!

Hell, I have even had 70 somethings hit on me…

But a man- my age? a few…

I am lost- floating somewhere in between the older, mature man who wants a younger, mature woman-

And college kids who think I am borderline Cougar material…

I put my popcorn in the microwave and put a movie in…

Foreign…

I have been watching so many movies with subtitles lately that I was half way through an American one last time before I realized I had subtitles on…

I sat in my bed- freshly painted nails- eating popcorn for dinner-

When I realized…

I needed intervention-

I called my best friend in Florida-

“Hi my love”- she answered with her usually cheery, yet kinda  groggy voice.

 

 

“Am I calling too late?”- I asked her since she is one hour later.

 

 

“No, I was kind of asleep… but not really.”- She replied.

 

 

I kept it short-

“Love, if in the next year I get a cat- I want you to shoot me.” I said to her…

 

 

There! To the point.

She laughed out loud…I sat silent.

“Is that it?” – She asked, still laughing.

 

 

“Yep, that’s it. Go back to sleep…”

I hung up the phone and felt a little better.

I may not be able to change the tweener stage I am in right now.

 

But I can bring in the big guns to keep from going full out -stereotypical SINGLE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was invited to a party.

 

 

I walked through the door of the penthouse with a half feeling of dread, rising to the surface from the boiling pot of presumption and stereotypical thoughts swirling around in my mind.

 

 

My best friend looked at me and said , “ Uh, I think we are in pre-baby boomer land.”

 

 

I swallowed and replied back, “Pre- baby boomer my ass. We are in the land of Pre-nupers!”

 

 

20 something’s that are living off of trust funds in multi million dollar penthouses where the paintings on the walls are enough to make a mature art collector salivate- yet the owner is on the couch showing off his highest score on the latest video games- not the art collection.

 

 

I walked out on the balcony and just did what I do best…

 

 

I observed the sea of people before me.

 

 

I watched as the 20 something girls, who strangely enough all in some way resembled each other. Even though there were blonde’s(mostly), red heads and brunettes.

 

 

I watched these girls with there thousands of dollars of accessories and their hair tossing and their spray on tans…

 

 

I looked at the handbags and the shoes and the designer clothing-

 

 

And I thought to myself, what does this remind me of?

 

 

I was not being judgmental, only taking an honest observation of the scene I found myself in. I like my handbags, shoes and accessories too.

 

These girls had everything you could possibly need to be “hot” or be the center of attention. Minus one attribute.

 

 

Mystery.

 

 

Not one of them had that mystique that captures men and stops them in their tracks.

 

 

Not one of them had the perfume of intrigue that you can pick up from across the room on a sensuous woman.

 

 

I pointed that out to my friend. She agreed.

 

 

Again I asked myself what does this remind me of?

 

 

The handbags and shoes and jewelry and dresses?

 

 

And then it came to me-

 

 

Kitty litter.

 

 

Yep.  That is what came to me.

 

 

Kitty litter.

 

 

A cat can do its business and sit there over and over making sure that mess gets covered up.

 

 

 

But after all its hard work and underneath all the litter?

 

 

MESS is still there.

 

 

Kind of like the handbags. You can dress yourself up with the best, work really hard to make sure it is all “covered” up-

 

 

But underneath it is still a MESS.

 

 

My friend and I laughed at these young guys, realizing that they probably wouldn’t even know what to do with themselves outside of this “litter box”.

 

 

I decided to do a little test and told my friend, “Let’s try something. I am going to pick a guy and make eye contact with him. I am going to hold his gaze, unapologetically. I am going to stop his conversation in mid-sentence- I am going to make him blush like a little girlJ.”

 

 

She laughed and was up for the experiement.

 

 

We stood, backs against the counter when I spotted my contestant.

 

 

He was in a conversation with a couple of people, facing me.

 

 

I looked at him, he looked up at me- I did not look away. I did not smile. My lips slightly parted, I just stared.

 

 

My friend had to turn around to keep from laughing,  because he literally lost it. He couldn’t complete his sentence. Lost all concentration. Became so nervous he started fidgeting with his shirt and his pockets. Like a little school boy.

 

 

My best friend whispered under her breath, “Wow, that is amazing. It is like he has never seen a woman before.”

 

 

Yet, he was in a room full of them. 

 

Sensuality is a missing chip in a lot of the girls I witness today. That art form that old Hollywood portrayed so well.

Sensuality is not cheap or easy. It is wealth and an inner richness a woman possessess.

It is not contrived-

 

 

It is mystery and intrigue in its finest.

 

 

 

Inner confidence that has nothing to do with materialism or the strive for perfection.

 

 

The modern day Geisha. That can hold a man’s gaze and make him weak. That can carry on any conversation with knowledge and wit. That has mastered world knowledge and the arts. Multi dimensional like a kaleidoscope.

 

 

A Goddess.

 

 

And it comes from confidence of your whole nature. Knowing who you are and what you want.

 

Accepting yourself, the good and the not so good. Relying on more than the material for happiness and inner power or self assurance.

 

 

A woman, who when the lights go down, knows and loves herself all the more for it.

 

 

Not kitty litter cover up.

 

 

Or Prada and Jimmy ChooJ

 

 

 

Looking out of my little box window today, eating soup, I had this revelation-

 

I want a lover that is  like Italian wedding soup…

 

Yep…

 

In my younger years, I wanted the lover that resembled more of the Tom Yum Thai soup.

 

Spicy,

Made me cry…

Hurt so bad but felt so good.

 

Made my  heart burn.

 

Not anymore.

 

I want to partake in a lover that has it all. That feels like home.

 

Just like Italian wedding soup…

 

You’ve got your goodness in the form of spinach…something that nurtures you and gives you vitality.

 

You’ve got your substance in the form of meatballs…should go there?:) I think you get the point…

 

You have your heartiness and fill in the form of pasta.

 

Then you have your flavorful broth, warms the soul. Makes a day like today bearable…in fact, almost beautiful.

Italian wedding soup has it all…in the perfect balance. Where the flavors all dance together~ complimenting each other. 

 

 

It doesn’t smack you silly. Or pack a punch that leaves you breathless.

 

It is simply perfection…just as it is.

 

Almost arrogant in its simplicity. As if it knows it has it all…

 

No need for flashy demonstrations of greatness.

 

Alchemy at its finest.

 

A lover like Italian wedding soup…

 

Yeah,  just warms my little soul to think about it.J

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Night lights…

 

Intended to show some light in the dark.

 

 

I think we are all night lights.

 

 

It is usually the darkness that scares us-

 

Or so it seems.

 

I have come to find it is not the dark that scares us humans the most…

 

But rather, the light within us.

 

Why are we so scared of the truth? That we create religions, shame, guilt, addictions…hate and blame?

 

I sat talking with someone this morning and this was what lingered in the back of my mind.

 

Why do we separate ourselves from love?

 

 Inner love is the key to all things…yet we turn it off like a dripping faucet. We disconnect the pipe- so that nothing can flow to us anymore.

 

We cut ourselves off- and in our misery we judge and hurt and blame each other.

 

When I think of the people in my life who have taken a shot at me…ones that I believed loved me- the pain and betrayal of their false judgments was sometimes more than my heart could handle.

I used to take it on. Like a heavy coat. And spend my days covered in something that did not belong to me.

 

Until I got this one simple whisper of truth- “ those who do not love themselves cannot love you.”

 

And that didn’t come from me having an epiphany of what another person’s issue was.

 

It came from me realizing that I could not love another until I learned to love myself.

 

Sometimes it brings me to tears the things we do to ourselves.

 

The harshness, the stories we tell, the criticism, the self doubt that consumes like  a slow burning fire…you don’t see the damage and destruction right away. But if you don’t catch it- it will destroy what once was a life and had beauty.

 

I look at people who pour their belief into a religion…

 

I used to be one of them-

 

I can honestly say I had no clue what it meant to be loved or love. All those years I professed to hold a faith in something that I didn’t even feel an adoration from.

 

 

Words…empty. Actions…empty. Beliefs…empty.

 

All motions. In hopes that this God in the sky would bring me relief to my torment in the search I had felt since my first breath.

It is, to me, the equivalent of the caterpillar never realizing it has within it the great butterfly.  Or the tadpole never knowing it is frog…or an acorn never realizing within it lives the mighty oak tree.  

 

Why do we as humans not realize the greatness we hold? And why then, do we fear it so much that we are willing to suffer to hold on to a lie?

 

Sometimes I wonder why even I hesitate to help someone, out of fear of how it might be taken.

 

Or- how I question, can I reach out and touch you if that feels good to me? If my heart wants to just hold you- without saying words…why is there an ocean between us human beings that keeps us from connecting…keeps us from loving.

 

I think about this in love and relationship- how much it takes to get real.

 

How it is easier to play along and stay surface than to show the scars and believe…truly believe we can be loved for them.

 

Sometimes I look at another like soul and think to myself, “Can you not see your greatness? Your perfection? Just as you are? Your beauty? Your brilliance…”-

 

I have come to realize that is me recognizing my own need in another.

 

I have had writer’s block-

 

This is  my heart speaking out loud.

 

Me,  just turning on my night light:)