Amy Venezia

Have I lost my mind? Maybe.

365 day challenge to write.

 Every day… no matter what.

I think it comes at the perfect time in my life.

Right when I thought I was figuring out some things, I find I have nothing figured out… at all.

I love that about the process of life.

Like pulling a thread that starts to unravel a sweater…you sit with a giant thread ball in your hands that used to be that sweater, and right when you think that is it…abracadabra! There is a new sweater in your hands with a piece of thread hanging down…the Universe knows that human nature is to pull on that piece of thread…even when you know it will start the unraveling.

That is how I see each phase and lesson placed in my hands…like a favorite sweater I just know is eventually going to unravel one day.

I used to fight that.

Not anymore. I welcome it. Once I realized that there would always be a new sweater to replace the old one:). That it was inevitable; the path that I have chosen. Not to sit still and just be, but to constantly move towards a better version of me. No matter how many mistakes I make in the process.

So tell me…what is the “favorite sweater” you have in your hands right now? The one that you have begun to pull the thread as you watch it come undone?

Right now, mine is my beliefs about romantic love. More so, my beliefs and understanding of the dynamics of how a man is made and a woman is made in relation to romantic love.

My story about it…my habitual ways of thinking and expectations… the unhealthy things that for lack of better words, get me off. Because they confirm the original belief I am holding on to. A belief that most likely blocks my progress or changing what I am creating…even when what I am creating brings me no fulfillment at all.

The type of man I am attracted to. The type of man I am not attracted to,  and why?

That is the “sweater” in my hands right now.

Would love to hear about yours…

The Lady of Shallot.

One of my favorite poems of all time.

I remember the first time I read it; I felt all these pieces inside of me come together.

I had what Oprah calls the “aha” moment.

It seemed so clear to me…

It seemed I recognized The Lady of Shallot within me.

To me, the poem beautifully portrays our life process.

How we all live life contained by our ego and fear…four grey walls…four grey towers.

We all see the world through a mirror…and it is only in this mirror that the world is reflected back to us…that is how we see our world.

While we weave our web of life, our intricate games and self deceptions …innately we believe to stop would only mean our demise.

We see, just like The Lady of Shallot…winding roads and freedom outside the confinement of our tower…we get half sick of shadows…for when we are not in acceptance of our own, we see them everywhere.

So, we keep weaving…our web of life…looking at each other through our mirror of beliefs…and one day…

Someone comes along so breathtaking in essence…we forget our belief…we risk it all without thinking…we can’t help but cast our whole lot upon this being…

And, just like that…the web begins to unravel…just like that…the mirror of projection shatters in all directions…

And, we lay down…to die.

Not a physical death.

A death of the old.

A death of what binds us.

 A death of our judgments.

 A death of our fears.

A death of who we have always believed we were.

 A death of who we have always portrayed ourselves to be.

 A death of our name.

 A death of our lineage.

 A death of our beliefs.

 A death of the lie that separates us from Holiness.

That Holiness being the complete acceptance of oneself…that we no longer have to look in the mirror of projection…but, can now cast our eyes upon another and see them without those projections…see them for the perfect and beautiful light that they are.

That is the imagery that I see in Tennyson’s, The Lady of Shallot.

For The Lady of Shallot, that breathtaking essence was Sir Lancelot.

For some…it is a lover, a friend, a stranger, a teacher, a heartbreaker, a liar, a Holy man, a Mother, a Father, a child…

If you haven’t read the poem, I hope after reading this you will. And, if you have read it, I hope after reading this you will revisit it.

Day 19…

People are acting strange today.

Ever have one of those days?

Where either, you are the sensitive one picking up on everyone’s neurosis…or, it is a full moon and people are just acting crazy.

It has been one of those days for me and I have just sat there trying to maintain balance on my little island of Amy…while everyone else does there thing.

In these days we are living in, it is becoming harder and harder to maintain a sense of balance. Most of the people around me self medicate to achieve that sense.

I don’t want to go through life numb. Or, treating life like a litter box…you have all the crap but, are covering it up…well, guess what? It is still crap and it isn’t going anywhere…unless you clean it out.

Covering it up doesn’t clean it out.

Same with life.

You have to make the decision to remove it. That is what I have fallen in love with when it comes to life.

I am in love with free will.

The freedom to choose, hey… I don’t want you or this in my life.  

I don’t want to be a spectator, watching as things enter my life…stay and camp out in my life…like squatters… all the while, I just sit there…smoking up or boozing up or sexing up…while those “things” remain.

No. That is not how I will live my life.

I want to experience it head on. Look it dead in the eye. Love myself enough to make a choice. Live with that choice….and,

Choose again.

Brings a whole new meaning to Choose life.

 Life is not meant to be a kitty litter cover up. Life is a process of constant movement and change. It takes guts to live every day wide open…

That is what I realized today in watching those around me…

Choose your own life. Choose to have eyes wide open. Then a mind wide open …which leads to a heart wide open.

Those are my thoughts today…day 19.

Random Amy thoughts:)

I just watched Hot tub time machine.

If you haven’t seen it, do it.

Funny, especially if you grew up in the 80’s.

After the movie I made myself a cup of hot green tea. And, as I was standing there staring…waiting for the signs of boiling water, I looked up and noticed one of my cookbooks was upside down.

I am not sure if I noticed it because it was upside down or, because I am hungry and the back cover is like a ‘food porn’ shot of profiteroles….

Either way, I picked it up and began looking through it.

It was my Grandmother’s cookbook. She loved anything having to do with the French…her Great Grandfather came over to Savannah, Georgia from France.

I flipped through the pages finding notes she had written. She had the most beautiful penmanship. She was a writer in her own right. When she passed away, we found boxes of journals where she had written over the span of her lifetime…her thoughts. She would have been a blogger today:).

What I found odd is one of the only recipes she wrote down, Crème Cheese Crepes with Apricot Sauce, she dated July 8, in the top right hand corner. That is my Birthday…obviously, a few days from now.

I looked at the beautiful way she wrote her “j” in July…I stared thinking about how even when we are gone a part of us still lives…on an old sheet of paper…providing the steps for perfect Crème Cheese Crepes.

Maybe I am just emotional right now. Maybe, the last 15 days of taking the time to stop and listen to what I wanted to speak out…maybe, this has caused a flow of sorts.

But, I can’t help but think my Grandmother is here with me now as I write this post.

What would she have done differently in her life? That is what I would ask her.

Just like the Hot tub time machine…(I had to lighten it up a little)…

If given the chance to choose again, would we choose differently?

I did something some time ago, that to some…I am sure, will be a little out there.

But, I was praying one day…in bed…thinking of specific instances in life, over the years, that I really wanted to get past. To let go of. There were a few hurts with people that although, I had forgiven…still lingered around at times.

I thought to myself, what if I could go back to each one of these instances and relive them in my head, except this time, play it out in my mind the way I WISH it would have turned out. A kind of meditation…

So, I did just that. It helped me to get in touch with the disappointment, the hurt…everything I felt that I was just stuffing down in order to move on.

It isn’t that I necessarily gave some Pollyanna ending in my head…I just played what it would feel like to have a legitimate conversation with the person that set it all back to good.

Since then, three of those four circumstances have mended in ways that have shocked me.

One of them, I got an email out of the blue from the person.

The other, I ran into the person and they apologized.

The other, I got a phone call.

And the 4th? I really don’t care anymore…that is the beauty in the whole thing…it heals on a level in yourself…and, nothing else matters because the initial hurt dissolves. My little formula for forgiveness and moving foward in life.

I think that is what my Grandmother’s response would be to me right now. Don’t wait until it is too late…you have the power in yourself, to turn it all around, now.

Just let go of what you think and feel is the “reality” of the outcome…and give yourself permission to imagine a wildly different outcome. Who cares! It is done and over with anyway right?

Just imagine it the way you WISH it would have turned out. Then let it go.

In a way, you have gone back in your Hot tub time machine…and changed your feelings about it.

And, when your feelings change from negative to positive about a situation…you will be amazed at what can occur.

This is my doo-do-doo-do-doo-do-doo-do post of the 30 day challenge;)

Oh, and, I love you Grandmama…:)

Last night, while drinking wine with friends…I was thinking about some friends in my life who are going through hard times. I have quite a few people I know who in the last week or two have been struggling…

One in particular got the gift of me leaving a vino induced voicemail about my thoughts last night…poor person!:)

I got to thinking how hard we are on ourselves. We are judgmental, noisy, projecting individuals to others a lot of the times. We all do it. But, we are even more so to ourselves.

I call it the ‘silent killer’… most of us are completely oblivious to how much we turn on ourselves in this life.

What if we are living life upside down? The times we berate ourselves for a mistake made…what if those mistakes made are more beautiful than all the moments of doing right in life?

More beautiful because they help to chip away at us…chiseling away until we start to show our character…

Like Michelangelo’s David.

What if mistakes, losses, disappointments, failures, betrayals…what if these are the chisel sculpting a masterpiece?

Did you know Michelangelo’s David went through two other sculptors hands before he got a hold of it?

The first was Agostine di Duccio…he only got as far as beginning to shape the legs and feet.

Then Rossellino was commissioned to continue making David…the marble sat neglected for 25 years.

Finally, Michelangelo was commissioned and completed to perfection this masterpiece.

Makes me wonder about the process of life…

We come in like a giant slab of marble…our childhood starting to chip and chisel a form…

We learn, we grow…and then by the next stage…adolescence , young adult hood…a more evolved hand starts the chiseling…

And , then as we grow older…learn more….evolve even higher…an even more evolved self takes over the sculpting…

What if we all have in us in various stages of life a Agostine di Ducci, those first life lessons that begin forming our masterpiece called life.

And, at other times we have a Rossellino…that doesn’t work for much growth. Get’s stuck. Stands paralyzed in life as the years pass and no new strikes to the marble of character?

What if we all at the perfect time in life, have a Michelangelo in us that takes over and finally takes what all the years have tried to do…and with the strike of the chisel…over and over…creates one of the most stunning masterpieces of all time…you.

What if that time you let someone down and it hurt you so bad to see them hurt…what if that was a strike…and, then the time you cheated because, you weren’t being honest with yourself about what you were really needing…what if that was another strike…what if the time you disappointed someone you loved…another strike….what if that time someone broke your heart…another strike.

And, slowly…strike after strike…you begin to see detail, character, strength, light, shadows, beauty, marks truly unique and only yours…what if you start to see truth…

What if strike after strike you start to see…YOU.

What if we are living life upside down?

Thinking all along that these painful things in life are something to be detested and shamed…

When really they are true gifts, of a Master’s hands?

Just a thought…

There are times my life hits me…with remnants of the past.

Memories of a time when I didn’t entertain doubt; I didn’t give fear the time of day.

A time when my steps would turn from running into leaping towards what I wanted.

Chance. A force unseen yet, felt somewhere deep inside where caution cannot co-exist.

Taking chances…

Chances are like pictures…they should be taken whenever they can be.

There is a time in everyone’s life where taking chances equals uncertainty. We have no idea what the outcome will be.

And, then…after living life head first, there comes a time in everyone’s life where taking chances becomes certainty of outcome…because, we get stuck in fear and start to expect the same results.

“But, I did that before and I got hurt. But, I did that before and failed. But, I did that before and it didn’t work. But, I did that before and got disappointed…rejected…betrayed…embarrassed.”

We try the same things and create grooves in the road along the way…grooves that we automatically go to when we try again…and, like the last time…fail again.

Expectation is one of the most potent feelings there is.

Expectation conjures up belief. And, when you believe…there you will find your outcome. It is tested…tried and true. That which you believe in you will see become your evidence.

Today, I have been thinking about how I can let go of my expectations. It takes discipline to look at your life and see where you are hung up.

To say, wow…there I go again…

Expectations are the weeds that choke out new opportunities.

I remember when I was little, maybe around six or seven…

I was on the beach in my little pink bikini and pigtails. I vaguely remember noticing the boy…but, I do remember letting go of my Mother’s hand and running towards him…he was making sandcastles in his mind that were turning out as little lumps in the sand.

When I got to him, I stopped…he looked up and I took his face in both of my hands and gave him a kiss on the lips.

I can almost feel the same feeling I felt then…it wasn’t anything intrusive…it wasn’t anything impure. It was my heart leaping like a race horse out of my chest and my little body following behind as I raced to pour out that beauty in the form of an innocent kiss. My logical mind was the follower on the beach that day…my heart, the leader.

There are times my life hits me…with remnants of the past…times when I loved for no reason with no expectation of outcome; where my heart flowed freely without a thought as to where it was going and if it would be accepted or appreciated or returned.

Today, I want to face those fears that keep me from being wide open. And, like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I want to walk right up to that Wizard that dictates fear…pull back the curtain and reveal it for what it really is: a scared, little version of the brightest, infinite version of me.

What about you? When is the last time you took a chance while letting go of your expectations…the ones you have grown accustom to?

On this journey called life…go ahead…pull back the curtain hiding your fears and see them for what they really are…

A scared, little version of the brightest, infinite version of you.

Why am I so hard on women? I got a comment from a reader feeling I woman bash at times…I appreciate her honesty.

My response? I am harder on women because I am one. I can’t speak for men…it is impossible to have a true outlook on why they do what they do because I am not one…obviously:).

Woman basher. Now, that is a new one for me!

Even so, I will try and explain where I am coming from.

As a woman, I have fought hard to take the heartbreaks and lessons life has presented to me and use them to help me take 100% responsibility for my own life.

I am the owner of my body; I am the author of my story. I am learning to trust my instinct and actually listen…which, is the greatest challenge for a woman.

We all speak of equality and rights- yet, we still try to live from a, “wounded, weaker mentality” when faced with relationship dynamics with men. It is a complete contradiction and widens the gap between where we are and where we desire to be.

We do this to ourselves- not men. Not society. We blindly bring it on ourselves without awareness or consciousness.

Women expect men to be upfront and honest with them yet, a majority of women are not even honest with themselves about the true make up of a man. And, even if they are honest enough to acknowledge the differences- most women judge men and their differences and every single thing they do is from a strategic positioning of trying to change them.

I will even go as far to say that the only way some women feel safe in intimate relationships with men is if their man in some way “mimics” the emotional and moral make up of a woman.

It is the Cinderella syndrome…and in order to perpetuate it, we project onto men the image of what we need for them to be in order to sustain the “safety”. As a result, women tend to read into words and actions, believe words over actions and assume whatever it takes to support the imaginary image…and men, will spoon feed us this because they have found it works-anything to avoid conflict and criticism- the two ugly “C” words that are like Kryptonite to men.

There has been a gross imbalance for centuries and centuries of women denying their own needs to fulfill a man’s needs and of women looking to men to fulfill those needs.

It is repression and projection and the basis of dysfunction in the modern world today. It is an endless treadmill of each person in the relationship having to so delicately play their part and keep up the charade as not to disrupt the flow of “conditional” love that we convince ourselves is unconditional.

I, for one, believe it is time for us ladies to listen to the men around us. Because they are simply mirroring back to us how much we are willing to betray ourselves.

All deception begins with self deception.

Self deception always precedes the belief of a lie.

They key is for women to stop looking to the outside and start going within for their needs. Because, in order to meet your needs you have to be honest with yourself and, when you start being honest with yourself… you start attracting honesty in your life.

Why am I so hard on women? It is actually a compliment. I believe women have the power to heal the rift between men and women; by starting with themselves.

But, at some point the blame game has to stop. There is no use in pointing the finger at anyone else when the power lies within you. We can choose how to handle things, how to let it affect us, who to stay with, what to put up with, what to believe, how to communicate, how to love and how to be loved.

I call it speaking MENGLISH  Drop your judgments and you just might see something of beauty in the differences between men and women. Work on yourself and you will find quality men are all that surround you.

As Emeril would say, BAM!! There you have it!

As a little girl, I grew up going to Disney World more often than I visited the Doctor or Dentist.

In fact, Disney was my Doctor; the Dr. to my imagination. With every visit that magical place ensured my imagination was being fed, nurtured, and thriving.

My favorite ride was the Haunted house.

My next favorite ride? The Mad Tea Party.

I remember there was this boy who had a crush on me. He had jet black hair and the biggest light green eyes you have ever seen. I was shy but, my parents thought it was cute…so, without my knowledge they invited him on one of our trips to Disney.

I ran straight to the Mad Tea Party. Whether, subconsciously trying to sabotage the innocent little set up or not… I remember I had a wicked, little grin on my face. Green eyes refused to get in the cup with me. He had just eaten…

But, if you think I am persistent now, you should have seen me as a child. I insisted and green eyes reluctantly climbed in.

I began to spin the turn wheel in the cup and we began to slowly go round and round…

I started to spin it faster, ignoring his protests and his hands trying to stop me. He was older and bigger than me…but, nothing was going to stop me from spinning round and round as fast as I could make it go.

Finally, when I could no longer keep my eyes open or focused on blurred objects passing by…I let go of the wheel, leaned back and just smiled as we went round and round and round.

What a free feeling…not being able to focus…or speak…all I could do was smile and laugh and allow the dizzy sensation to take over my body. I remember yelling to him, “Just go with it! Don’t fight it!”…little Buddha…I was.

He fought it…and as soon as we stepped out of the cup, he lost his lunch.

I remember this story because; this is how I feel in the world right now.

If you have never been on the Mad Tea Party ride, there is a giant turn table that has life sized tea cups on it. Once everyone is inside their tea cup, the ride begins by the turn table starting to go round and round.

In my life right now, I feel the planet or life force going round and round. I feel it now more than ever. How fast paced and even how that pace is picking up. The world to me is like the turn table of the Mad Tea Party ride.

And the tea cups? That is our individual lives. That we can sit in and not spin the wheel at all or, we can not assert it to go faster. We can even choose to sit the ride out.

However, the turn table (the collective world) keeps spinning.

It is up to us how fast, what direction, what we can handle. If we want to play, if we want to slow down, if we want to take a rest, if we want to spin out of control…if we want to assert as hard as we can…if we want to let go and throw our head back and enjoy the momentum our actions have caused.

It is all up to us.

How fun! How exciting! I can feel it just like when I was five years old…

Where are you at in your life right now? Are spinning the wheel? Are you at a comfortable speed? Do you have someone in your tea cup spinning the wheel for you? All the while you are complaining that you don’t like the pace? Or, are you allowing the turn table to spin you around while you sit and do nothing?

Take control my Mad Tea Party friends:). It is magical…don’t let someone else spin you around in a way that you don’t like. Don’t sit it out either…

Ride it like you want it to be.

 My Monday epiphany…

The TEN things I LOVE on this FRIDAY!

1. It is National Doughnut Day!! Need I say more??

2. 18 yr old single malt scotch. It is like drinking a man… Man in a glass Complex…yet, so simple.

3. Open doors…

4. Being a woman. Men don’t know what they are missing.

5. The moment you know you have genuinely helped another person…it reminds me of why we are all here in the first place.

6. Still getting carded…all the time.

7. Dogs. Angels on earth.

8. Pulling out old photos…listening to old music…watching old movies…honoring a time much different than what we are in now…

9. Romancing myself:) I make it an art form. 

10. Being out in the sun…feeling so disgustingly gross…then, taking a long shower…feeling so delightfully clean…then, having an ice cold beer!

Happy Friday!

There is beauty in every year that passes.

Some people don’t believe that.

I do.

I think we come into life like a Rubik’s Cube.

Remember those?

The day of our birth, we come into our first breath with every color lined up; every side in complete unified order. Maybe the red side is the side of love…and the green side is the side of success…and the yellow side is the side of health…and the white side is the side of soul…

After that fresh air hits our lungs for the first inhale outside of the oven? That burst of air jumbles our perfect little Rubik’s Cube in all directions…

And all the sudden green is mixed with red….red bleeds into yellow…blue is all over the place and absolutely nothing lines up.

And every day…the purpose of life is to play…a little game of Rubik’s Cube.

With every step, every thought, every decision…we turn…click…towards getting back to the perfection of an all aligned and unified way of living.

Sometimes it gets so frustrating you want to throw it. Sometimes the thrill of getting so close makes you want to try again.

You can feel too…when you are lined up…or close to it…when red(love) is 90% unified…or Yellow(health)…or…

And when it is a not…you can feel that too.

With each year that passes you get to kind of slough off the excess distractions in life that keeps you from lining up.

You learn the turns and which ones you have tried before that didn’t get you closer but further away…

The things you used to believe, buy into, place importance on.

I think if more people took a step back and realized every lesson and moment has been for one thing and one thing only~

To get back to alignment…

Maybe, if it could be looked at like the analogy of the Rubik’s Cube, it goes back to “it’s not the game…but, how you play it,” more people might appreciate the process.

That is one of the life lessons I have learned that I truly am grateful for…

The freedom or love that comes with not judging any turn… if it feels wrong or ends up wrong…just turn again. It is all part of the process.

Every choice gets you closer to…

Just a little Friday food for thought…