Amy Venezia

 

 

 

 

Fillers…

 

I have never been the “filler” kind of girl.

 

I was speaking with a friend yesterday- a guy friend- who has been in a relationship for a few years.

 

I sat silently- biting my tongue, sitting on my hands- doing whatever I could to just listen and not interrupt.

 

First off, it is none of my business.

 

But if someone were to ask me my outside synopsis of what I saw in their relationship over the years? I would have to give my two centsJ-

 

 I am gonna imagine someone asked me in this post-

 

So, back to our conversation.

 

He was telling me how he feels he is going to “need” to get married someday soon. To her.

 

I sat there and stared blankly at him, listening while thinking  how odd that sounded…

 

Kind of like, I am gonna need to make a dentist appointment soon to get my teeth cleaned or I am gonna need to have my prostate examined soon…because it just is about time for that.

 

We’re talking marriage here…

 

I asked him why? Why does he feel he is going to “need” to marry her.

 

He went on with a list as if he was holding a clip board in front of him…

 

They have been together for a while, he needs to make her an honest woman, she has been there for him through thick and thin, he knows she is going to eventually give him an ultimatum…she really wants it…

 

WOW…again I stared at him .

 

I had observed their relationship over the years…never quite got it. There is a special bond, yes. That was obvious. But they always seemed like great friends or brother and sister. Void of passion.

 

So I went off of my observation and asked him how passionate he felt about her.

 

He went on to say he loves her.

 

I said, “That is not what I asked.”

 

He said, “If you are asking if I have had this incredible ‘you’re the one I have to be with’ feeling, I would have to say no. I have never felt that. But she is good to me. I am grateful for her and I love her.”

 

As he was speaking I thought of a conversation I had with another friend of mine last week sometime- he was talking about the same thing- just about someone else not him…

 

What is going on?

 

I see it all around me.

 

People who refuse to let themselves believe they can have it all.

 

People who stay in relationships that are missing gigantic pieces of the puzzle, but they stay none the less. Because there is one or two pieces present?

 

I am not saying passion is everything- it is not.

 

But it is the equivalent of me waking up everyday- passionate, on fire, in love with my purpose and spending my days living out that beauty every day.

 

Or- waking up everyday going to a job that doesn’t fulfill, a job that doesn’t challenge me, a job that doesn’t make me feel alive or inspired- spending my days living out my life in this way.

 

Is there any comparing? Yet, a huge percentage of society does both. In work and relationship.

 

Where is the self love? Self love is believing you can create and will create a life without limitations and will give yourself and open yourself up to the possibility that all things are possible.

 

I asked my friend- finally had the guts to- why he would choose to commit his life to a relationship like this. I asked him to be honest, with himself before answering me.

 

At first he was defensive…but he knew I wasn’t judging him…I was simply stirring the pot a little. To get him thinking and asking the tough questions that he obviously had been ignoring.

 

He went on to talk about how he would rather be with her, a friend and companion than to be alone- if the truth would be told.

 

I said, “ What you just described is a roommate.”

 

He laughed and said, “ Well, most roommates don’t have benefits.”

 

WOW…again…so it comes down to the intimacy of having someone there to spend your time with. Sleep with. Depend on.

 

I am not judging at all- but to me? That is a lack of inner integrity.

 

As if you are selling your soul out in exchange for a filler.

 

A filler of time, that will keep the silence at bay.

 

A filler of answers that will keep the tough questions from being asked.

 

A filler of faith, so you don’t have to take a leap and actually demand from life that you have it all.

 

A filler of love…

 

Why can’t we love ourselves enough to take responsibility for our level of happiness? Why would we choose a level 4 or 5 when we can have a level 10 if we choose?

 

Why are we so scared to be ecstatically happy?

 

I get people asking me all the time how I could be single.

 

As if it is a disease.

 

I answer short and sweet.

 

My soul knows there is its counterpart out there.

 

I will not sip from Korbel- when I hold the taste of Kristal in my mouth…

 

Both will  take you to the heights of ecstasy you are desiring…but for me and my heart?

I will not have a counterfeit in exchange for the security of knowing I am not alone.

 

I want the real thing.

 

No fillers or additives please.

 

Natural, whole,  pure and organic kind of love.

BTW,  I was given permission from my friend to speak my mind and write this post.

 

Tough subject that I am sure will step on some comfortable toes…

 But then again, isn’t that what I write for? J