Amy Venezia

 

 

It was November 14^th.

 

 

 

I woke up in the middle of the night with an intense pain in my left breast. Well, intense enough to wake me up. The pain radiated to underneath my arm and I could even feel it in my shoulder blade.

 

 

 

I remember drifting in and out of sleep…

 

 

 

That next morning I woke up, still in pain. So, in the shower, I decided to feel around to see if I could find the source-

 

 

 

And there I found it.

 

 

 

A lump.

 

 

I don’t know which was bigger, the lump my fingers grazed over, or the one in my throat that continued to build as I continued to feel.

 

 

 

It was the weekend, so I knew I couldn’t do anything about it.

 

 

 

But my mind went on over load thinking of the “what if’s”.

 

 

 

Not only about my life, but with being self -employed and not having insurance…

 

 

 

 

I didn’t sleep that night.

 

 

 

On that Monday morning I went to the Dr. so that they could feel around.

 

 

 

I didn’t tell a soul. Not my parents, for fear that they would worry and what would be the point in worrying them until I knew more?

 

 

 

Not my friends, because I have strange beliefs I guess…~ to me, even when you ask someone to pray for something like that, most the time their focus is on the fear and the worry as if you already have it. I wanted to focus on the positive and the belief that it was going to be ok and I didn’t have anything.

 

 

 

The Dr. wanted a mammogram-

 

 

 

As I waited for the results, I remember being oddly still inside. My mind didn’t move- maybe in shock. Maybe because I felt if I did move, the fear would drown out the optimism I was clinging to.

 

 

 

Results inconclusive…need an ultrasound.

 

 

 

I asked the Dr if I could wait a few days to see what happened~ if it somehow, miraculously might go away.

 

 

 

She told me it was totally up to me, although she advised against it.

 

 

 

A few days lasted until today. Where I couldn’t take it anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

Where, I finally let my family know. Where I had gone for 5 weeks in constant-pain, burning and never ending. Keeping me up at night, my first greeting in the mornings.

 

 

 

I had wanted to get through Christmas…

 

I have stayed positive, kept my mind off of it as much as possible, gone out, had fun and laughed as much as I can.

 

 

 

My mom went with me to the radiologist.

 

 

 

I want to thank the woman who called me sweetheart the moment I walked in the door. Gently caressing my back as she put the small of her hand there to lead me to the room.

 

 

 

I looked at the screen as the ultrasound began.

 

 

 

Again, mind strangely still…

 

 

 

And there he was- big daddy on the screen. About 3 centimeters in diameter.  My heart stopped.

 

 

 

As she continued to move the machine around there was another and another…nine in total. She nervously laughed and said, “ No wonder you are in so much pain. I have never seen that many, that big. Those baby’s are pressing on nerves. That is what that burning pain is.”

 

 

 

She rested her hand on my hand and said- I am going straight to the radiologist to take a look at these so you don’t have to suffer and wait.

 

 

 

I was grateful for that.

 

 

 

I have had over 5 weeks of back of my mind kind of worry. Carrying around a “what if” –

 

 

 

It has made me dissect my life and relationships in ways I never have. With EYES WIDE OPEN.

 

 

 

I laid there waiting for her to come back- thinking worst and best.

 

 

 

If they come back and it is suspicious? What is the best I can take from that? What do I have in me to face that?

 

 

 

I let myself go there for a second- what if this is it? What would I do with that news?

 

 

 

The first thing I thought was this-

 

 

 

Love. I would love. Like I have always wanted to- but never let myself.

 

 

 

I would let everyone off the hook who has hurt me.

 

 

 

I would no longer take on their blame or poison- not in arrogance- but in knowing, SO WHAT! We are all trying.

 

 

 

I would give myself a break. And show more love- for my faults and my fears.

 

 

 

As I laid there- I actually felt the body sense of what I was like before life ripped me to shreds.

 

 

 

The little girl my Mother always reminds me about- pure love. No fear. No pride.

 

 

 

I let that body sense wash over me and I actually said a prayer that it wouldn’t leave me. It has been so long since I have felt that free of limitations and conditions. Of resentment and blame. Of taking on everyone else’s judgments as my own.

 

 

 

A tear fell down…then another.

 

 

 

The door slowly opened and the woman sat down.

 

 

 

She told me that the radiologist believes all nine to be complex cysts. That there was  no shadowing that could be detected- which is usually a sign of tumor activity. And the fact there were so many…

 

 

 

That coupled with the pain I have been in are good signs.

 

 

 

I could go to a surgeon and have needles put in to drain them- or…

 

 

 

 To detox completely. Of my two favorite things! Coffee and wine.

 

 

 

A super foods diet for the next two weeks- some detox herbal things…

 

 

 

And go from there. Biopsy down the road if they don’t go away or change.

 

 

 

She left me in the room to put my clothes back on. I sat there and closed my eyes. Thanking God for not only the report but also for the edge I just found myself on.

 

 

 

The edge of what it takes to make major changes in ones self. The edge that a lot of people don’t get to walk off from. I sat and thought about all the women who have lost their lives…

 

 

 

Before I left the room I decided that I am taking some time for me. To not only get myself better physically, but to heal the emotional body as well.

 

 

 

 

This has been the hardest year of my existence. And I have had one heck of a ride in my life.

 

 

 

But this year has been all about forgiveness. Tremendous pain some people have caused me.

 

 

 

But when I look at it right now? I see that the root has been I have never forgiven myself.

 

 

 

I hold such a high standard- and I take things on myself that are not mine to take. But I do anyway.

 

 

 

My Mother is the one who opened my eyes today.

 

 

 

I always saw my Mother as having sort of a Martyr archetype to her personality. So sensitive. So loving- but man, did she ever throw herself before the truck of life.

 

 

 

It was something I never wanted to be.  She has many, many more beautiful qualities I want to claim…

 

 

 

My Mother knows the things that have been hurting me lately. The broken relationships that I just can’t wrap my head around- the judgment and lack of compassion and communication.

 

 

 

 

 

I sit there, staring at a wall, trying to figure it out. And when I can’t figure it out, I try to control it. Try to fix it, with zero results. Like hitting a wall.

 

 

 

My Mother has tried to get me to stop blaming myself. And I have not listened.

 

 

Until today.

 

 

 

On the way back from the radiologist my Mom took my hand and said, “ Amy, please don’t get upset when I say this to you…but you are being ten times the Martyr that I have ever been in my life. Sometimes people do hurtful things, and you don’t have to take it all on and wonder why. Sometimes they just do.”

 

 

 

I lost it… I have never told my Mother that I felt that way about her choices or self love. I never knew it was something she was aware of in herself.

 

 

 

Here I am, 35 years into life, and my blind spot just became clearly seen.

 

 

 

I can’t put into words how grateful I am for the process of life. The chances we are given to be happy. To LOVE more. To heal.

 

 

 

I finally get it is truly about taking responsibility in life. I have always known that, but there is a big difference between knowing and feeling.

 

 

 Some of us come in with five pound weights to carry aroundJ

 

 

Some of us, like me, come in with 500 pound weights- that are not of our choosing. That were the childhood we were handed- the parents we chose, and yes, I do believe we choose our parents. I believe we choose what we want to  learn in our lives.

 

 

 

For me, it has been a road of forgiveness and acceptance. Beginning with me.

 

 

 

One thing my Parents always taught me is to have no fear in looking at myself. Have no fear in facing the shadows. Have no fear in taking responsibility and changing what needs to change.

 

 

 

I wasn’t going to share this- but getting home just now- it is the first thing I wanted to do. To write. To process…

 

 

 

To express my gratitude…

 

 

 

To shout from the roof tops-

 

 

 

THANK YOU FOR LIFE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Crack is whack.”

 

 

That is all I remember of the interview between Whitney Houston and Diane Sawyer.

 

 

I remember sitting a little confused, remote control in hand, finger on the channel button ready to go on to the next station…

 

 

Until I heard that one line.

 

 

 

“Crack is whack.”

 

 

 

“ Is this one of those times when a negative really means a positive? Whack being an actual good thing to her?”, I thought to myself.

 

 

Because by the looks of it I would say crack and whack had moved in and taken over what I and a lot of other people considered to be a phenomenal talent.

 

 

Now, seven years later, my Mother calls me this morning to tell me to turn on the TV because, Whitney is performing for the first time in years.

 

 

There is nothing I despise more than TV on in the morning. But, knowing my Mother would be calling back and I would have to give a report back to her of my thoughts on it all, I decided to get the “cliff notes” version of Whitney’s comeback.

 

 

TV on in other room, I made some tea, passed through just long enough to get a glimpse of a healthy looking Whitney.

 

 

Then putting on my gym clothes I cracked open the bedroom door just enough to hear a few bars of her song.

 

 

I sat on the edge of the bed and thought to myself how beautiful it is when you see people heal their lives. When WE heal our lives.

 

 

I am a full believer in the possibility that people can change. That we can go from the most unhealthy, imbalanced ways of being- to making the full choice in clarity to become whole.

 

 

No one has the right to tell us we can’t change. We can’t heal. We can’t become better people. We can’t take control of our addictions. WE have the full power to change anything in our lives.

 

 

People who fly the banner of “a leopard can’t change its spots” , are people who find it hard to trust and in that lack of inner trust- project that judgment onto others.

 

 

I don’t share this often and many don’t know- but at the age of 12 I witnessed my own miracle of what unconditional love and belief that anyone can heal brings.

 

 

I grew up in a war zone.

 

 

My Father never even raised his voice until he got drunk and my parents had horrible arguments that resulted in domestic violence.

 

 

My Father was and is one of the most giving and loving souls. But, he was in great pain. And, so was my Mother.

 

 

As a child, I never saw the flaws more than I saw the goodness. I refused to believe that this was all there was for family or for my parents.

 

 

As a child I would sit my Father down and say, “ Dad, this is not who you are. You are greater than this. You need to look inside and help yourself.”

 

 

At 7 years old I wrote God a letter. A letter that my Father still carries in his wallet today.

 

 

It said somewhere a long the lines of “ Jesus- you, God and the Angels are the best people I have ever met(I was 7 years old ,give me a break:). You made this beautiful world. The ocean, all the birds and every human being. I know if you can do that, you can help my Daddy stop drinking.”

 

 

At 12 years old I sat my Dad down for one last talk. And this time, with tears down my Father’s face, he said he was ready to heal and asked me to go with him to talk to the man who was my Youth pastor at the time.

 

 

That day, my Father came home and sat us down. Asked forgiveness for his actions and stopped drinking that day.

 

 

He never lost his temper again. Him and my mother healed their marriage. My Mother healed from the hurt. They are the best of friends, still married after 45 years of marriage.

 

 

 

Their love for each other was stronger than the pain and the dysfunction.

 

 

My love for my Father was stronger than what would seem to be the “reality” of the situation.

 

 

It is hard for me to share this story, because my Father changed. And I don’t feel the right to bring up his mistakes. But, I know he is proud of himself and our family and the love we share, and I know he is not ashamed to talk about his journey and his healing.

 

 

I share this to say- there is no one on this planet incapable of healing.

 

 

No one.

 

And, we should always choose… no matter how hard, to stay focused on a person’s goodness, that they may be reminded too- of that part of themselves.

 

 

In listening to Whitney Houston this morning, she said it was her faith and the LOVE of her family and friends that helped her to choose health.

 

 

Who in your life today, maybe even yourself, can you show love and faith in healing to?

 

 

Just  a question…

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is love?

 

 

I have been thinking about this the last couple of days.

 

 

Love, to me, does not fit into a definition or rule. Not anymore…

 

 

It is not what society says it is or Hollywood claims it to be.

 

 

It is not what I used to believe or what I have been taught.

 

 

It is not the foundation that I used to build my world and beliefs upon.

 

 

At this point in my life, maybe I know more about what love is not- as opposed to what love is.

 

 

My experiences in love- both the successes and failures have led me to this.

 

 

Is love when your partner walks a straight and perfect line for years?

 

 

How is it love then when that same partner slips up on that road and love is then replaced with hate.

 

 

Love dissipates?

 

 

I don’t get that. All the years of doing it right, showing up and being a good lover-

 

 

One mistake and all the years of “love” erased?

 

 

This, to me, is not love.

 

 

Not in my experience, where I have faced it all.

 

 

I have been through that hurt and I have been betrayed by another’s moment of weakness.

 

 

At the end of the day we are HUMAN.

 

 

It was in that moment that my whole world changed and all the ways in which I perceived it.

 

 

My view of love shifted…

 

 

Because in that moment I had the choice to test the true definition of love. To find out what it meant to me.

 

 

I see relationships crumbling around me.

 

 

So easy to say you love someone when they are living up to your expectations and not rocking the boat that conjures up flaws to the surface. So easy to say those three words when you are not under the test or the flame of betrayal.

 

 

So easy to watch love dissolve before your very eyes when you are staring down a lie or an out and out failure of loyalty.

 

 

Such a touchy subject. Everyone feels entitled.

 

 

Entitled to their judgment. Their anger. Their blame. I have been there. At the end of  the day I  realized it helped the pain. To turn love into all these things.

 

But, like poison disguised as medicine- it never heals. It never brings relief. It eats away at you from the inside out…until the next relationship. Where the cycle starts all over again.

 

 

Love does not end, it changes.

 

 

It changes because we change. WE NEVER STAY THE SAME. It is not the law of nature.

 

 

Just thinking out loud today and  I am grateful for the place I find myself- that  through all the refining and the pain it has been worth coming to an understanding in myself of what “love” means to me.

 

 

Reminds me of walking along the shore, when for some reason the tide has created a little pool of water separate from the ocean. You can stand there, back against the sea- in that little space and create your world. You can have a small portion on your little island.

 

 

 

Or you can turn around and see the magnitude of a wonder so huge and far beyond what the eye can even see. Uncontainable. Uncontrollable. Unpredictable- just like love…

 

 

 UNBELIEVABLE….