Amy Venezia

 

 

 

The TEN things I LOVE on this FRIDAY!

 

 

 

1. Watching the snow fall while in my bed writing this…

 

 

 

 

2. That the threat of being snowed in for some reason gave me the excuse to buy bacon… I hardly ever eat bacon~ but looking forward to a yummy bacon and egg sandwichJ

 

 

 

 

3. How life gives you the opportunity to run into someone who really did you some damage in a hurtful way a long time ago- and yet you find you just feel love for them. That is a really cool feeling.

 

 

 

 

 

4. Wearing my hair in pigtails…it just makes me feel five again.

 

 

 

 

 

5. When I look up and see a man for the first time…and with that one look from him, he reminds me in all the right ways that I am all womanJ

 

 

 

 

 

6. Sea salt and vinegar chips…

 

 

 

 

7. Watching the people in our country step up and help Haiti, even in our financial state right now…

 

 

 

 

 

8. Laughing so hard my cheeks hurt…

 

 

 

 

 

9. Pandora radio…

 

 

 

 

10. That the snow day today has given me the opportunity to stay at home and finish writing this new bookJ No excuses…

 

 

 

 

Happy Friday!!

 

 

Another year-

 

Another year flown by.  

 

Packed with learning, growing, laughter, pain, healed relationships, broken relationships, creations, disappointments and successes.

 

New Years Eve has always been my favorite holiday.

 

I spend it different than most.

 

Alone.

 

By choice.

 

When I was not a struggling writerJ, I would book a hotel room…order room service and champagne…make myself a hot bath~ and truly examine the year passed and what I want to create in the year to come.

 

I take the time to visualize my New Year- which to me is the most important part of New Years Eve and Day.

 

Oh… I miss those daysJ

 

But I can do the same with out the pampering this year.

 

I never really got getting so hammered at a party that you wake up on the first day of the New Year already having to account for lost moments and brain cells.

 

I went out this weekend for the first time in a long time. I am glad I did.

 

It was a good reminder.

 

I met friends out that I have known for over a decade. One friend who was trying to get in my pants then and ten years later? Still trying…

 

I sat there drinking my gin with St. Germain…

 

Thinking how some things don’t change. How did I find myself, over a decade later, having the same conversation?

 

I have come to look at people in my life as lessons.

 

Always presenting lessons.

 

Nothing happened between us ten years ago, and nothing happened between us this weekend- just the normal flirting and fun conversation.

 

But still, I have to look at the place in which I find myself.

 

Having to not only make that decision, but having to explain that decision to someone who doesn’t want to listen to standards or reasons…

 

There is this part of me that wants to throw out my stilettos and flirtations – and go on some kind of global trip where I don’t  wear a speck of makeup or have to say no to anyone because I am not being asked for anything. I am only serving and giving and learning.

 

I am tired of assumptions I suppose.

 

I am social, connected and flirtatious. I am sensual. I love to dress up and look feminine.

 

I like conversation and laughter. Good food, good wine, good music, dancing…

 

But I have standards. And I have discipline and convictions.

 

And at this point in my life, where I am single by choice and enjoying my solitude and personal growth, I just don’t want to keep attracting men that want something I am not offering.

 

Although, I am deep enough to take responsibility for what I am attracting in my life.

 

 

Seems to be two extremes in the single world-

 

Either, not getting hit on at all and feeling lonely and borderline desperate~

 

Or getting hit on a lot, by men who haven’t taken the time to notice that you aren’t even on the playing field.

 

It is an interesting time in the world to be single- with so many changes on the relationship dynamic home front…

 

Changes in the dynamics between men and women.

 

Just me thinking out loud as the New Year approaches…life is such an adventure and fun if you make it that way. Even the lessons…

How will you spend your New Years? And how closely will you look at your life over the year and make the choice for change?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is it a curse or a blessing to be young and single in the year 2009?

 

 

 

To walk the line between obligation relations of my parents generation and instant gratification relations of my generation.

 

 

 

Sometimes I envy the days when there was no text or email to add to the delusion that hormones and endorphins already provoke in attraction.

 

 

 

As I sat talking with a friend this morning this is what came to mind…

 

 

 

My friend has been texting and emailing every day with someone who is in a committed relationship-

 

 

 

I have been there, same boat, over the last couple years. Thinking you have a foundation of a friendship or a connection that is growing-

 

 

 

But then, just like the erase button on your phone or the delete button on your email- you find that the foundation was about as solid as a cloud.

Now, I am not talking about people you are doing business with or talking with for other reasons than personal…

And personally, I don’t really like  talking on the phone. I much more prefer to talk through text or email unless it is a conversation that needs that kind of attention.

 

 

 

Anyway,  here is my friend, starting to have feelings for a person that shares a home and dogs and bank accounts and life with her boyfriend- yet has this little communication going on everyday through text and email.

 

 

 

My friend really diggs this girl…and their growing friendship…

 

 

 

However,

 

 

 

 

 

In the realm of communication, I have come to learn this truth-

 

 

 

 

 TEXT always equals NEXT…

 

 

 

Next please!

 

 

 Next filler in line, next thrill…next high….next person to pass the time.

 

 

 

I told my friend to watch it…guard his heart.

 

 

 

To me,  a person who is in a committed relationship, that is texting and carrying on communication on a daily basis with someone other than their partner-

 

 

 

That person is an intimacy junkie.

 

 

 

Period.

 

 

 

Now, that doesn’t mean that they are to blame. The person on the other end of the text makes the choice to take the bait and stay on the line.

 

 

 

But let’s face it-

 

 

 

There is about as much substance in text as there is in a piece of celery-

 

 

 

 You are basically gnawing on a stick of water…

 

 

 

Now, maybe if you were in the desert- a stick of water a.k.a. celery would be like a slice of heaven to you…

 

 

 

And maybe, in the desert of a committed, yet unhappy relationship- text “relations” is that slice of heaven to a person?

 

 

 

I think though when it comes to your heart-

 

 

 

All should text with caution…

 

 

 

Knowing- that just like anything else that comes with a warning label, sometimes there are risks and one should proceed with caution.

 

 

 

Intimacy junkies are those who need a fix of faux intimacy. While they play house with their girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands and wives.

 

 

 

They don’t get it from their own connection with their lover, yet they are not at a place yet with in themselves to face the truth and make the hard choices that might, just might make them happy.

 

 

 

We have all been there at one time or another in life.

 

 

 

I wonder what it is going to take for all of us to get real? When all around there are options to stay unauthentic?

 

 

 

The moral of this little Monday morning story?

 

 

 

TEXT always means NEXT.

 

 

 

Make sure you have other forms of communication, such as an actual physical conversation on the phone, a long hug- eye to eye contact and conversation…before allowing your heart to ponder sweet nothings…

Next time you find yourself texting someone on a regular basis, ask yourself what you are wanting out of it-

And if it is not to build connectedness, respect, value and friendship- check yourself:)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Last night it hit me-

 

 

 

In the midst of painting my nails and doing my hair-

 

 

As I sat in my cozy, little condo apartment…

 

 

 I was blankly staring into the refrigerator trying to come up with one little opinion or desire as to what might sound good for dinner-

 

 

 

 And that is when it hit me. I have become aTweener- 

 

 

You won’t find Tweener with google- at least not in the way I mean it.

A Tweener is a single who is in “between”-

Still young enough to be considered a “trophy” to the older generation and getting close to old enough to be eligible for the “cougar” category for the younger generation.

I moved on to the cabinets- blankly staring- recollecting the day’s events.

Earlier in the day I had been writing- at Starbucks- when this kid,

(You know you are getting old when you refer to a college student as “a kid”),

Anyway, this guy kept looking at me- I finally looked up and he gave this  sexy, little smile.

I didn’t know what to do- I think I blushed- for the first time in a long time. Not so much at his good looks or blatant confidence in flirting- but at the fact that I would lay down money that he wasn’t even of drinking age yet-

I fixed my eyes on my computer screen trying not to notice that he would not take his eyes off of me.

Finally he asks me a question- I had to take my headphones off so I could hear him-

“So, do you wear those headphones to keep guys like me from talking to you?”- He asks.

“No, I am actually listening to music…”- I respond- trying to sound professional or maybe motherly-

 

 

Anything but flirtatious.

He sat staring-

“I see you in here a lot-  always working hard- what are you working on?” he asks.

 

 

“I am working on editing a book and material for my website … so I am writing.” – I reply.

 

 

“Do you want to take a break and have lunch with me?”- he asks.

OK- I have to stop this now, I thought to myself.

 

 

Before I feel like I need to go to confession… and I am not even Catholic.

“How old are you?”- I ask him.

 

 

“How old do you think I am?”- He responds with a smile.

 

 

“Young enough to answer a question with a question.”- I reply dryly.

 

 

That got a smile out of him.

“I’m 19”- He says…” Why, is that an issue?”

I started laughing…as I replied, “ Uh, yeah… about a 16 year issue.”

He didn’t flinch…

“Look, you are very cute and seem to be a very nice guy, but I need to get back to writing and you need to get to someone from your decade.”- – I replied as I put my headphones back on.

 

 

He smiled and gave a little nod- got up and left.

So- last night as I sat and picked a bag of popcorn out of the pantry-

That is when it all became clear to  me-

I am a tweener single.

I can’t remember the last time a man my age actually approached me-

Fifty somethings- yes!

Forty somethings- yes!

19 year olds- yes!

Twenty somethings? Yes!

Hell, I have even had 70 somethings hit on me…

But a man- my age? a few…

I am lost- floating somewhere in between the older, mature man who wants a younger, mature woman-

And college kids who think I am borderline Cougar material…

I put my popcorn in the microwave and put a movie in…

Foreign…

I have been watching so many movies with subtitles lately that I was half way through an American one last time before I realized I had subtitles on…

I sat in my bed- freshly painted nails- eating popcorn for dinner-

When I realized…

I needed intervention-

I called my best friend in Florida-

“Hi my love”- she answered with her usually cheery, yet kinda  groggy voice.

 

 

“Am I calling too late?”- I asked her since she is one hour later.

 

 

“No, I was kind of asleep… but not really.”- She replied.

 

 

I kept it short-

“Love, if in the next year I get a cat- I want you to shoot me.” I said to her…

 

 

There! To the point.

She laughed out loud…I sat silent.

“Is that it?” – She asked, still laughing.

 

 

“Yep, that’s it. Go back to sleep…”

I hung up the phone and felt a little better.

I may not be able to change the tweener stage I am in right now.

 

But I can bring in the big guns to keep from going full out -stereotypical SINGLE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was invited to a party.

 

 

I walked through the door of the penthouse with a half feeling of dread, rising to the surface from the boiling pot of presumption and stereotypical thoughts swirling around in my mind.

 

 

My best friend looked at me and said , “ Uh, I think we are in pre-baby boomer land.”

 

 

I swallowed and replied back, “Pre- baby boomer my ass. We are in the land of Pre-nupers!”

 

 

20 something’s that are living off of trust funds in multi million dollar penthouses where the paintings on the walls are enough to make a mature art collector salivate- yet the owner is on the couch showing off his highest score on the latest video games- not the art collection.

 

 

I walked out on the balcony and just did what I do best…

 

 

I observed the sea of people before me.

 

 

I watched as the 20 something girls, who strangely enough all in some way resembled each other. Even though there were blonde’s(mostly), red heads and brunettes.

 

 

I watched these girls with there thousands of dollars of accessories and their hair tossing and their spray on tans…

 

 

I looked at the handbags and the shoes and the designer clothing-

 

 

And I thought to myself, what does this remind me of?

 

 

I was not being judgmental, only taking an honest observation of the scene I found myself in. I like my handbags, shoes and accessories too.

 

These girls had everything you could possibly need to be “hot” or be the center of attention. Minus one attribute.

 

 

Mystery.

 

 

Not one of them had that mystique that captures men and stops them in their tracks.

 

 

Not one of them had the perfume of intrigue that you can pick up from across the room on a sensuous woman.

 

 

I pointed that out to my friend. She agreed.

 

 

Again I asked myself what does this remind me of?

 

 

The handbags and shoes and jewelry and dresses?

 

 

And then it came to me-

 

 

Kitty litter.

 

 

Yep.  That is what came to me.

 

 

Kitty litter.

 

 

A cat can do its business and sit there over and over making sure that mess gets covered up.

 

 

 

But after all its hard work and underneath all the litter?

 

 

MESS is still there.

 

 

Kind of like the handbags. You can dress yourself up with the best, work really hard to make sure it is all “covered” up-

 

 

But underneath it is still a MESS.

 

 

My friend and I laughed at these young guys, realizing that they probably wouldn’t even know what to do with themselves outside of this “litter box”.

 

 

I decided to do a little test and told my friend, “Let’s try something. I am going to pick a guy and make eye contact with him. I am going to hold his gaze, unapologetically. I am going to stop his conversation in mid-sentence- I am going to make him blush like a little girlJ.”

 

 

She laughed and was up for the experiement.

 

 

We stood, backs against the counter when I spotted my contestant.

 

 

He was in a conversation with a couple of people, facing me.

 

 

I looked at him, he looked up at me- I did not look away. I did not smile. My lips slightly parted, I just stared.

 

 

My friend had to turn around to keep from laughing,  because he literally lost it. He couldn’t complete his sentence. Lost all concentration. Became so nervous he started fidgeting with his shirt and his pockets. Like a little school boy.

 

 

My best friend whispered under her breath, “Wow, that is amazing. It is like he has never seen a woman before.”

 

 

Yet, he was in a room full of them. 

 

Sensuality is a missing chip in a lot of the girls I witness today. That art form that old Hollywood portrayed so well.

Sensuality is not cheap or easy. It is wealth and an inner richness a woman possessess.

It is not contrived-

 

 

It is mystery and intrigue in its finest.

 

 

 

Inner confidence that has nothing to do with materialism or the strive for perfection.

 

 

The modern day Geisha. That can hold a man’s gaze and make him weak. That can carry on any conversation with knowledge and wit. That has mastered world knowledge and the arts. Multi dimensional like a kaleidoscope.

 

 

A Goddess.

 

 

And it comes from confidence of your whole nature. Knowing who you are and what you want.

 

Accepting yourself, the good and the not so good. Relying on more than the material for happiness and inner power or self assurance.

 

 

A woman, who when the lights go down, knows and loves herself all the more for it.

 

 

Not kitty litter cover up.

 

 

Or Prada and Jimmy ChooJ

 

 

 

 

Oh being single…

 

 

Just love it how people look at me sometimes like a stray puppy hoping and waiting for adoption.

 

As if my being “alone” mirrors back such fear in them…they just have to fix it.

 

 

Funny thing is? I love being alone. I truly do.

 

 

I am ok with being with me…I have learned to love the silence- not only love it, but allow it to cover me in a blanket of relief.

 

 

To some, silence is blunt and forceful. To me, it is soft and lovely.

 

 

I remember when it first came out to make “vision boards”…cutting out things from magazines and such and putting them on a board so you can visualize everyday what you want to create in your life.

 

 

I remember the looks I got from friends and some family when I cut out and put up my “dream” type of home.

 

 

It was some designer’s home…can’t remember who…but one of the straight ones.

 

 

Him and his wife had the main home- amazing bungalow type of open- aired home.

 

 

Then to the right of the property was “his” house. To the left? Hers.

 

 

Yep…they had their own little bungalows. Decorated the way each wanted it. 100% their expression. A place to go for solitude. For creating.

 

 

For peace.

 

 

My dream home…

 

At breakfast this weekend I sat with friends and we discussed a man who is wanting to meet me.

 

 

Over a bite of my omelette and a sip of my luke- warm coffee, I nonchalantly stated that I would love to meet him as a friend, but had no interest romantically or physically or anything else not resembling “friendship”.

 

 

My guy friend sat in front of me and with sweet smile said, “ I don’t understand that. How can you

 make that decision when you haven’t even  met the guy? What? You can tell through an email?”

 

 

Another sip of coffee, I looked up at him and said, “ I just know.”, as I shrugged my shoulders with a little smile.

 

 

“How???”- he asked.

 

 

I sat searching my thoughts trying to find words to explain an inner knowing.

 

 

Words failed me, until this visual came into my mind.

 

 

I asked my friend, “ You know how they train people to identify counterfeit money?”

 

 

My friend replied, “ Yeah, they give them nothing but real money to study.”

 

 

“Correct”, I said…” They give them real money to study so intently that they memorize every last grain, texture, symbol, smell… that is what it is like for me. I have known since my first breath the “real” thing.  Memorized every last bit of essence. I may not be able to show the real thing yet in my life, but I certainly know its counterfeit.”

 

 

 

I got kudos on that analogyJ Those are my cool friends, they get it.

 

 

Now,  I have made what some might view as mistakes- loving and giving my heart to counterfeits.

 

 

No mistakes…only lessons. Bringing me closer to authenticity…the real thing.

 

It is all a journey. And I embrace the mornings I wake up and feel cool air against my skin from the space all around me, unfilled.

 

As much as I enjoy the mornings I wake up and feel warm skin against me…(although I can’t really remember what that feels likeJ)

 

I love it how sometimes,  I am out with friends who are married or in partnership…some of them act as if my singleness is equivalent to an STD or something…spreads easily, …tabu…keeps coming back…as if it is gonna wear off on them.

 

Not all them and I have to say it really isn’t my close friends. More acquaintances-

 

I love it how I can share my single stories and see a flicker of life in the man’s eyes…like “ahhh the good ole’ days”…and yet see the fear in the woman’s eyes…like a deer caught in head lights.

 

Amazing how to some,  ” relationship”  has come to be a means to an end…

 

 

I spy…the TRUTH. How about you?

 

 

 

 

 

Fillers…

 

I have never been the “filler” kind of girl.

 

I was speaking with a friend yesterday- a guy friend- who has been in a relationship for a few years.

 

I sat silently- biting my tongue, sitting on my hands- doing whatever I could to just listen and not interrupt.

 

First off, it is none of my business.

 

But if someone were to ask me my outside synopsis of what I saw in their relationship over the years? I would have to give my two centsJ-

 

 I am gonna imagine someone asked me in this post-

 

So, back to our conversation.

 

He was telling me how he feels he is going to “need” to get married someday soon. To her.

 

I sat there and stared blankly at him, listening while thinking  how odd that sounded…

 

Kind of like, I am gonna need to make a dentist appointment soon to get my teeth cleaned or I am gonna need to have my prostate examined soon…because it just is about time for that.

 

We’re talking marriage here…

 

I asked him why? Why does he feel he is going to “need” to marry her.

 

He went on with a list as if he was holding a clip board in front of him…

 

They have been together for a while, he needs to make her an honest woman, she has been there for him through thick and thin, he knows she is going to eventually give him an ultimatum…she really wants it…

 

WOW…again I stared at him .

 

I had observed their relationship over the years…never quite got it. There is a special bond, yes. That was obvious. But they always seemed like great friends or brother and sister. Void of passion.

 

So I went off of my observation and asked him how passionate he felt about her.

 

He went on to say he loves her.

 

I said, “That is not what I asked.”

 

He said, “If you are asking if I have had this incredible ‘you’re the one I have to be with’ feeling, I would have to say no. I have never felt that. But she is good to me. I am grateful for her and I love her.”

 

As he was speaking I thought of a conversation I had with another friend of mine last week sometime- he was talking about the same thing- just about someone else not him…

 

What is going on?

 

I see it all around me.

 

People who refuse to let themselves believe they can have it all.

 

People who stay in relationships that are missing gigantic pieces of the puzzle, but they stay none the less. Because there is one or two pieces present?

 

I am not saying passion is everything- it is not.

 

But it is the equivalent of me waking up everyday- passionate, on fire, in love with my purpose and spending my days living out that beauty every day.

 

Or- waking up everyday going to a job that doesn’t fulfill, a job that doesn’t challenge me, a job that doesn’t make me feel alive or inspired- spending my days living out my life in this way.

 

Is there any comparing? Yet, a huge percentage of society does both. In work and relationship.

 

Where is the self love? Self love is believing you can create and will create a life without limitations and will give yourself and open yourself up to the possibility that all things are possible.

 

I asked my friend- finally had the guts to- why he would choose to commit his life to a relationship like this. I asked him to be honest, with himself before answering me.

 

At first he was defensive…but he knew I wasn’t judging him…I was simply stirring the pot a little. To get him thinking and asking the tough questions that he obviously had been ignoring.

 

He went on to talk about how he would rather be with her, a friend and companion than to be alone- if the truth would be told.

 

I said, “ What you just described is a roommate.”

 

He laughed and said, “ Well, most roommates don’t have benefits.”

 

WOW…again…so it comes down to the intimacy of having someone there to spend your time with. Sleep with. Depend on.

 

I am not judging at all- but to me? That is a lack of inner integrity.

 

As if you are selling your soul out in exchange for a filler.

 

A filler of time, that will keep the silence at bay.

 

A filler of answers that will keep the tough questions from being asked.

 

A filler of faith, so you don’t have to take a leap and actually demand from life that you have it all.

 

A filler of love…

 

Why can’t we love ourselves enough to take responsibility for our level of happiness? Why would we choose a level 4 or 5 when we can have a level 10 if we choose?

 

Why are we so scared to be ecstatically happy?

 

I get people asking me all the time how I could be single.

 

As if it is a disease.

 

I answer short and sweet.

 

My soul knows there is its counterpart out there.

 

I will not sip from Korbel- when I hold the taste of Kristal in my mouth…

 

Both will  take you to the heights of ecstasy you are desiring…but for me and my heart?

I will not have a counterfeit in exchange for the security of knowing I am not alone.

 

I want the real thing.

 

No fillers or additives please.

 

Natural, whole,  pure and organic kind of love.

BTW,  I was given permission from my friend to speak my mind and write this post.

 

Tough subject that I am sure will step on some comfortable toes…

 But then again, isn’t that what I write for? J

 

 

 

 

 

Friday night I had friends in town.

 

 

Friends I have had for over a decade, friends that have been with me through thick and thin.

 

 

They are the kind of friends who roll large…limo’s and champagne…best wine and food and no shortage of laughter.

 

 

Generous friends, that yell out “The Queen” whenever I walk in the room…and treat me with that kind of respect.

 

 

Friday night, I didn’t feel like going out.

 

 

I have been in a metamorphosis of sorts. I have had two years of the kind of fun that could be incorporated into a Sex and The City episode.

 

 

But as with everything in life, it is a pendulum swing. And the last couple of months, I have been called to more balance-

 

 

In all areas of my life.

 

 

After leaving my last long term relationship- close to five years long- I needed fun. I needed lightness. I needed laughter. I needed to be reminded I was still a sexy woman. I needed to turn heads and flirt without intention. I needed to know life could be light again.

 

 

I needed a break from the depths I had been swimming in.

 

 

But there is only so much affirmation that can come from outside of you.

 

 

Then life says, “Ok…enough now. You got the message- time to go within.”

 

 

And that is where I was at Friday night …that and a little under the weather.

 

 

I hesitantly put on my little black dress, sported my new black ankle boots..put on some Betsy Johnson Fishnet type leggings, straightened my hair with a little crown of braids- took a deep breath and walked out the door into the limo waiting for me outside.

 

 

There were my friends- and immediately my mind got off of my physical ailments and I started to enjoy the night.

 

 

We arrived at the restaurant and had a lot of fun. But I was conscious throughout the night that a chapter in my life was closing.

 

 

I looked around me and just couldn’t vibe with it anymore. Granted, I didn’t feel good. But it wasn’t that. It was me, deciding it is time for a new chapter.

 

 

I smiled at my friends and the champagne and the laughs- looked around and thought to myself…

 

 

“ Amy, this is the equivalent to your bachelorette party.”

 

 

I never had one of those. I was married at a young age and didn’t even drink alcohol at the time. I didn’t have a “one last shebang party”.

 

 

The kind of party that is out with the old to bring in the new.

 

 

Friday night represented that for me…

 

 

The only constant in life is change…and where there is change , there is growth.

 

 

And where there is growth- there you will find balance.

 

 

I like balance. 

 

So as I walked out of the restaurant I ran into a friend who said, “ What is the occasion Ms. Thang?”..

 

 

I relied back, “ A bachelorette party!”-

 

 

He asked, “ Who is getting married?”

 

 

I said, “ I am!”

 

 

Wide eyed and in complete shock, he asked, “ TO WHOM???!!”

 

 

“ To me…”- I relied back with a little wink as I slid into the limo.

 

 

Life is good…every moment.

 

 

Every turn-

 

 

 Every hill and every valley-

 

 

And every choice…

 

 

Make it a beautiful life.

 

 

 

 

 

Finally, I hear from the women!

 

 

My post, “Do you or someone you love suffer from APS”, received a lot of response from both men and women.

 

 

But the emails I got the most were from women asking me just what I suggest women do to “help” things.

 

 

A lot of women, I find,  seem to think they are the innocent victims in almost all relationship dysfunctions..

 

 

In that post, where I asked “Who will take responsibility first towards a real connection?- The woman or the man?”-

 

 

I found that most women honestly had no clue as to how they might go about that…

 

 

And so they emailed me-

 

 

Well, I can only speak from my relativity. Here, in no particular order, are the basics I start with when it comes to Men 101…and I do mean basics.

 

 

What does it mean to show up a little and take responsibility for your half of the relationship women?

 

 

For women it means GAME ON! Not GAME OFF!

 

 

 Snap out of it!

 

 

 Every day live in the moment and never, I do mean never, take for granted that he is yours.

 

 

 Listen…truly listen.

 

 

 Buy a Maxim and read what men are saying and how they think, as men- this doesn’t change when a man falls in love!

 

 

He still wants you to shave your legs and put a comb through your hair.

 

 

Or want to do something exhilarating instead of sitting home to watch your favorite shows on any given night.

 

 

 He still wants the porn star to come out once in a while- like Halloween.

 

 

 You can still be a saint-

 

 

He still wants SEX….

 

 

And compliments instead of nagging reminders.

 

 

He needs praise-

 

 

 He needs a buddy and a lover.

 

 

That is just skating along the superficial level of things…

 

 

Most women never recognize or acknowledge the tap dance routine men do on any given day…

 

 

 

 Look at what men do…

 

 

 They have to act like they enjoy greeting cards-

 

 

And that they really do want to open up and “talk about it”.

 

 

 They have to act like they actually have a clue about how important romance is -

 

 

They have to endure Hugh Grant movies with you and act excited about having a cat as a pet.

 

 

They have to listen and know they are going to be quizzed aka drilled later on…

 

 

They have to pick out the paint for the living room and act attentive when all they wish is to be sitting at home with a beer watching the game.

 

 

They have to go against their basic grain so many times simply because they do want to love you and be with you.

 

 

We both, men and women, have to give in order to meet in the middle.

 

 

 To go deeper.

 

 

 

And these examples are the equivalent to putting your toes in the water…

 

 

Are your toes in the water today? Or are you in LA LA land somewhere up on the shore convincing yourself you are in the deep?

 

 

Just a question…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“From the times you chastise us for leaving a wet towel on the bed to those nights you rip through a pint of fudge ripple without stopping to breathe, we file each incident in a mental folder labeled “Evidence She’ll Change for the Worse.”

 

Woke up this morning and checked my emails…

 

This was sent to me from an article about why men bail on even the women they are really into…

 

Brutal…

 

The whole article.

 

But refreshingly honest.

 

I have to say my favorite part of the article is the “timing is off “ reasoning…

 

Basically, it states a guy can be dating a girl for 2 years…and if one little part of his life is undone~ he won’t settle down with her. He could break up with her and start dating someone else though and end up engaged to that chick 6 months later-

 

The only difference between 2 year relationship girl and 6 month dating girl? TIMING.

 

I have learned this over my years…

 

I don’t know what it is-

 

I call it APS-

 

The Auto Pilot Syndrome in men.

 

A man can literally be living with a woman for a year, maybe two- telling her everyday he loves her. Eating dinner and doing the dishes with her.

 

They can have little rituals together, like he makes coffee and she brings him the paper…

 

Going to the dog park to walk “their” dog…

 

Nicknames like butter biscuit or lover…

 

And one day, after two years of living with this woman and going through all these motions- the guy is in the shower-

 

And somewhere between the shampoo and the shave? It hits him…

 

“I think I really love this girl.”

 

After two years…

 

730 dog walks, 730 dinners, hundreds of kisses, maybe 300 nights of mind blowing sex mixed with a couple hundred nights of this is as good as it’s gonna get sex…

 

And suddenly the actions line up with an actual feeling or conviction.

Now that is not to say the man didn’t “feel” love during those two years.

 

I am talking about the deep emotional tie that tows the line-

 

Between ‘I am in this until it ends…to I am in this and hope it never ends.’

 

This is reality-

 

Where we get off track in relationships?

 

Women just buy whatever they are being given at the moment as long as it continues to feed the fantasy rather than shatter it…

 

Wonder how our relationships would shift if women took a moment to really tune in and see their man-

 

Really SEE him.

 

Past the actions, past the box of conventionalism, past the auto pilot?

 

Who will take the responsibility first towards a real connection?

 

The man~ being truthful with where he is at and what he needs?

 

Or the woman~ willing to see the man in true light- as is- without expectations.

 

Either way? An honesty so deep would be the end result-

 

And when a man and a woman can connect and communicate on that level?

 

That is the tie that binds…