Amy Venezia

 

 

I was listening to my Elvis radio station on XM radio today…

 

Driving down the road to a meeting, Don’t be cruel came on.

 

One of my favorites.

 

Don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true.

 

Got me thinking…

 

Why we do that.

 

Why it is human nature….

 

It is like what I wrote about on day 18…

 

How you look for it in the people who are not being true…the ones who refuse and withhold. Yet, the ones that are true, you treat unkind.

 

It is the epitome of being masochistic I suppose…

 

Think about it…if we truly were “normal” or “healthy” most of us would be able to take in and respect the love we get.

 

Healthy love.

 

But, there is that part of some of us that still lets it go unnoticed; spending our moments looking to and for it in the ones who don’t care to give it.

 

Don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true.

 

If someone is showing you love…whether it is taking time to reach out to you, someone complimenting you, someone listening to you, someone acknowledging the good in you…take it in. Stop what you are doing. Breathe it in…let yourself feel it. Acknowledge the other person…

 

That is being kind to a heart that is true.

 

I have noticed in my own life, how when I take the time to fully be present in those moments, it seems those moments multiply in my life.

 

But, the times I have cut off that flow, by standing with clenched jaw, waiting and waiting for that one I so want to feel love from…

 

Those times it seems love is sparse.

 

I’ve had to learn over the years…I do everything the hard way. I don’t give up easily…

 

I have fought for love before…

 

Now, I realize that is a hopeless battle.

 

One of my readers, Herbert Rogers said to me today, “There is nothing you can do to cause someone to love you or stop them from not loving you.”

 

No truer words spoken.

 

My best friend Alice always tells me, “There is nothing wrong you can say to the right person..and nothing right you can say to the wrong person.”

 

I am learning to let go of those people in life that don’t find love from me on their wish list…I am learning to walk away from that type of person in my life…the ones who are cruel to a heart that is true.

 

How about you? Is there someone in your life that has been there for you, shown you love, attention, respect…and you have not acknowledged that?

 

Are there people in your life that because they are kind, you find you are not attracted enough to fully allow yourself to experience the love they offer?

 

Just some thoughts…

 

Don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day 19…

 

People are acting strange today.

 

Ever have one of those days?

 

Where either, you are the sensitive one picking up on everyone’s neurosis…or, it is a full moon and people are just acting crazy.

 

It has been one of those days for me and I have just sat there trying to maintain balance on my little island of Amy…while everyone else does there thing.

 

In these days we are living in, it is becoming harder and harder to maintain a sense of balance. Most of the people around me self medicate to achieve that sense.

 

I don’t want to go through life numb. Or, treating life like a litter box…you have all the crap but, are covering it up…well, guess what? It is still crap and it isn’t going anywhere…unless you clean it out.

 

Covering it up doesn’t clean it out.

 

Same with life.

 

You have to make the decision to remove it. That is what I have fallen in love with when it comes to life.

 

I am in love with free will.

 

The freedom to choose, hey… I don’t want you or this in my life.  

 

I don’t want to be a spectator, watching as things enter my life…stay and camp out in my life…like squatters… all the while, I just sit there…smoking up or boozing up or sexing up…while those “things” remain.

 

No. That is not how I will live my life.

 

I want to experience it head on. Look it dead in the eye. Love myself enough to make a choice. Live with that choice….and,

 

Choose again.

 

Brings a whole new meaning to Choose life.

 

 Life is not meant to be a kitty litter cover up. Life is a process of constant movement and change. It takes guts to live every day wide open…

 

That is what I realized today in watching those around me…

 

Choose your own life. Choose to have eyes wide open. Then a mind wide open …which leads to a heart wide open.

 

Those are my thoughts today…day 19.

 

Random Amy thoughts:)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo. – Ambrose Bierce

 

 

My dear, dear ladies…we are Queens of hypocrisy. Our crown? A halo of prejudice.

 

Prejudice against men. Men prejudice against women.

 

 

I hear women complain all the time about the games men play…

 

I hear men complain all the time about the games women play…

 

Let’s face it…we all play them. Games are a necessary component in relations of any kind. In some skewed way of looking at it…games give validation where validation is needed most. If you are in it enough to play, then there is a chance you just might be in it enough to win. In a way you acknowledge the person is worth your effort in the first place.

 

The rules are as individual as snowflakes; different for each person.

 

How often do you reach out? When should you call? How long should you wait? When do you give up? When do you persist? Do you call first? How fast should you respond?

 

One person’s “too much” is another person’s “not enough”.

 

 It is the perpetual duck duck goose of romance.

 

What gets on my nerves about my species…is a woman will throw herself in the game without giving a damn about learning the game. All the while playing coy saying she doesn’t play games.

 

And, just like in elementary school when a girl is pushing a guy over and over and he pushes back finally and she cries like a school girl because she can’t believe he just pushed her…that kind of behavior makes me want to punch a girl.

 

Do men play games? Yes, they do. But, here’s the thing. Women play the game of acting like they are not aware the man is playing games…women manipulate to always bend themselves like a game of twister… always landing in the position of the victim.

 

Common sense makes it obvious that if a man is playing games at the beginning he is either wanting to hookup or fill time…a man will always play games but, will never play them hard enough to lose if he is truly wanting to win.  Hello!!!

 

If women would admit to themselves this simple truth, and make their choice to play with full knowledge of the consequences or sit it out because of full knowledge of the consequences…well, they would then find themselves enjoying the process.

 

Let’s take me for instance. When I am into a guy, I put it out there. I tell it like I feel it. Now, in a sense…I am playing a game…because I know that the kind of guy I want to give my time to is a guy who won’t be turned off by that. That is the first move in my game…I recognize this. If a guy shows the moxie to get past it and not be intimidated…then he gets the prize;) which is realizing right when he thinks he has me figured out…he finds layer upon complex layer to uncover.

 

Either way, although he may feel he is in control because I am being open and upfront…I am aware I am like an iceberg…what I am showing is just the tip…and if you look beneath the surface…you will see just how deep I go. But, I am also not afraid to look at myself and say yeah…that is probably game playing…innocent enough.

 

I say this to show we all have a game. Every one of us. And to say you don’t? Hypocrisy…

 

I can hear it now…the valiant men saying, “ I don’t play games”.  The fact that you say you don’t is playing a game. Your game is being the ‘good guy’ that puts it all ‘out there’ because you feel being like that will get you the end result you are looking for.

 

Break it down; the natural psychology of human communication. It is always for an end result…always pointing back to the self. So, to say you are free of game playing…well, you would have to be six feet under.

 Part of the evolution of a soul is growing enough to start to let go of your own game…when it comes to communicating or being transparent and genuine. But, most of us on this planet are not 100% there yet. That is part of being human. Right? In a sense, we will always communicate through a game filter at the beginning. It is part of having an ego.

I tell women all the time…just swallow the fact that most men and women play games. Swallow it like medicine. It is medicine. It is the beginning of getting real.

 

As long as you remember the one golden rule standard in every relationship: a man will always play games but, will never play them hard enough to lose what he is truly wanting to win.

 

Take responsibility girls…If you play, don’t whine or cry when you get a scuffed heart…or a kick in the ego…

 

Go into it with open eyes and an open heart…if you look at it in this way, you will have fun while finding out if the man you are on the field of the heart with will be game, set, match.

 

Last game. Last set. Match point. The game is over…either you shake hands and walk away separate…or you pat each other on the butt and say good game;)…walking off  together…content with the outcome and the effort put forth to play. Both of you winners because you stuck it out and gave it your all.

 

Just have fun with it…all is fair in love and war;)

 

 

 

 

 

I think I realize why 90% of society walks around practicing the art of deceit.

 

Self deception; when it comes to love; when it comes to intimacy; when it comes to the opposite sex and the pursuit of attraction.

 

Do any of us really want to know the truth?

 

I mean, REALLY?

 

I sat with one of my good friends last night as he talked to me about the nature of some men.

 

He was talking about himself at first and then turned it on me and what I thought about men.

 

He quizzed me as to what I believed the language of men…MENGLISH is what I call it…translates to.

 

I am pretty good at understanding men…better than most women.

 

However, what I have laser vision for seeing in other people’s situations…I sometimes fail to see when it involves me.

 

This little sabatager sits on my shoulder, whispering excuses into my ear that I eat up like candy, in order to keep what ever it is I want to happen jacked up on the adrenaline of “hope”.

 

My friend was pretty open with me…

 

  

He told me I am intimidating….”very intimidating” were his exact words.

 

I don’t get that. Yet, he is about the tenth of my guy friends to say so.

 

I am the most approachable woman on the planet, in my opinion. But I am starting to see there are opposing opinions to mine…

 

I asked him to explain himself…

 

“Well, for starters, you are always out with us…your guy friends…you automatically put up a barrier there.”

 

Well, duh!! I go out to have fun. Not to be picked up.

 

I am a woman! I could get action walking into a 7-11. It comes easy for us.

 

So, yeah, I like the buffer my male friends provide for me. Like my own personal booty guards.

 

He went on to tell me what I do for a living is intimidating.

 

Yawn…I am so tired of hearing this.

 

So… where it gets interesting is when he began to explain how guys think.

 

Some guys want options. A pot on every burner…

 

 

I get that; especially in the world we live in today. Doesn’t bother me.

 

So when that guy is checking you out or there is attraction there, sometimes it can’t be read into anything other than you are there….in the room…maybe one of the top 5 or 10 of the options to check out at the moment.

 

You are a piece of parsley to his plate.

 

You are appealing…eye candy.

 

Not the ribeye.

 

Harsh, yet true.

 

And sometimes you are the ribeye…just depends.

 

That was not new news to me. And I have never been a person that meets people at bars; ever…so this doesn’t shock me.

 

But it does explain that depending on the level of work it will take to get the fire started…well, that is what determines if sparks fly with a guy or not.

 

Come on baby light my fire…

 

Easy; and like water, will take the path of least resistance.

 

So, in comparison, guys wanna use a lighter…not sitting there rubbing two sticks of wood together like a cricket serenading a campfire.

 

Totally get that.

 

Then he said the mother of all truths to me…

  

“Amy, when a man wants something, there is absolutely nothing that will stop him from going after it. NOTHING.”

 

“But, what if….but, what if…but, what if….”- my little attempt at arguing against an absolute truth.

 

There is no but.

 

There is no level of intimidation, no level of shyness, no level of maybe you are unavailable, no level of fear of rejection…nothing that will stop a man from going after what he truly wants.

 

Any other belief is simply delusion.

 

And yeah, delusion helps keep hope afloat…but who wants to stay afloat in an endless sea of self imposed disappointments?

  

Men don’t play hard to get.

 

Men get.

  

In this day and age we are living in, lines are blurred.

 

Women, more aggressive.

 

Men, more lazy because of it.

 

But when it is magic….well, that is when you get to see that beauty of what makes men, men.

 

That male aspect that lays women flat…literally…

 

The conqueror.

 

If more women would realize they are worth the time and effort for a man to come to them, they would weed out the mediocre connections.

 

They would wait for the man who can’t help but step up to the plate…because everything in him wants to get in the game.

 

Not be a spectator.

 

 I understand that it is not that simple…that there are too many factors involved when it comes to human connections. It isn’t something that can be logically figured out and it never will be. 

 

 

But sometimes it is a good thing to get other perspectives. Even though those perspectives can’t possibly apply to every person or situation. 

 

Keep it simple…it doesn’t have to get that complicated~

 

 

Besides, if we could figure out what baffles us about the opposite sex it wouldn’t be nearly as fun;)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The TEN things I LOVE on this FRIDAY!

 

 

 

1. Watching the snow fall while in my bed writing this…

 

 

 

 

2. That the threat of being snowed in for some reason gave me the excuse to buy bacon… I hardly ever eat bacon~ but looking forward to a yummy bacon and egg sandwichJ

 

 

 

 

3. How life gives you the opportunity to run into someone who really did you some damage in a hurtful way a long time ago- and yet you find you just feel love for them. That is a really cool feeling.

 

 

 

 

 

4. Wearing my hair in pigtails…it just makes me feel five again.

 

 

 

 

 

5. When I look up and see a man for the first time…and with that one look from him, he reminds me in all the right ways that I am all womanJ

 

 

 

 

 

6. Sea salt and vinegar chips…

 

 

 

 

7. Watching the people in our country step up and help Haiti, even in our financial state right now…

 

 

 

 

 

8. Laughing so hard my cheeks hurt…

 

 

 

 

 

9. Pandora radio…

 

 

 

 

10. That the snow day today has given me the opportunity to stay at home and finish writing this new bookJ No excuses…

 

 

 

 

Happy Friday!!

 

 

Another year-

 

Another year flown by.  

 

Packed with learning, growing, laughter, pain, healed relationships, broken relationships, creations, disappointments and successes.

 

New Years Eve has always been my favorite holiday.

 

I spend it different than most.

 

Alone.

 

By choice.

 

When I was not a struggling writerJ, I would book a hotel room…order room service and champagne…make myself a hot bath~ and truly examine the year passed and what I want to create in the year to come.

 

I take the time to visualize my New Year- which to me is the most important part of New Years Eve and Day.

 

Oh… I miss those daysJ

 

But I can do the same with out the pampering this year.

 

I never really got getting so hammered at a party that you wake up on the first day of the New Year already having to account for lost moments and brain cells.

 

I went out this weekend for the first time in a long time. I am glad I did.

 

It was a good reminder.

 

I met friends out that I have known for over a decade. One friend who was trying to get in my pants then and ten years later? Still trying…

 

I sat there drinking my gin with St. Germain…

 

Thinking how some things don’t change. How did I find myself, over a decade later, having the same conversation?

 

I have come to look at people in my life as lessons.

 

Always presenting lessons.

 

Nothing happened between us ten years ago, and nothing happened between us this weekend- just the normal flirting and fun conversation.

 

But still, I have to look at the place in which I find myself.

 

Having to not only make that decision, but having to explain that decision to someone who doesn’t want to listen to standards or reasons…

 

There is this part of me that wants to throw out my stilettos and flirtations – and go on some kind of global trip where I don’t  wear a speck of makeup or have to say no to anyone because I am not being asked for anything. I am only serving and giving and learning.

 

I am tired of assumptions I suppose.

 

I am social, connected and flirtatious. I am sensual. I love to dress up and look feminine.

 

I like conversation and laughter. Good food, good wine, good music, dancing…

 

But I have standards. And I have discipline and convictions.

 

And at this point in my life, where I am single by choice and enjoying my solitude and personal growth, I just don’t want to keep attracting men that want something I am not offering.

 

Although, I am deep enough to take responsibility for what I am attracting in my life.

 

 

Seems to be two extremes in the single world-

 

Either, not getting hit on at all and feeling lonely and borderline desperate~

 

Or getting hit on a lot, by men who haven’t taken the time to notice that you aren’t even on the playing field.

 

It is an interesting time in the world to be single- with so many changes on the relationship dynamic home front…

 

Changes in the dynamics between men and women.

 

Just me thinking out loud as the New Year approaches…life is such an adventure and fun if you make it that way. Even the lessons…

How will you spend your New Years? And how closely will you look at your life over the year and make the choice for change?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is it a curse or a blessing to be young and single in the year 2009?

 

 

 

To walk the line between obligation relations of my parents generation and instant gratification relations of my generation.

 

 

 

Sometimes I envy the days when there was no text or email to add to the delusion that hormones and endorphins already provoke in attraction.

 

 

 

As I sat talking with a friend this morning this is what came to mind…

 

 

 

My friend has been texting and emailing every day with someone who is in a committed relationship-

 

 

 

I have been there, same boat, over the last couple years. Thinking you have a foundation of a friendship or a connection that is growing-

 

 

 

But then, just like the erase button on your phone or the delete button on your email- you find that the foundation was about as solid as a cloud.

Now, I am not talking about people you are doing business with or talking with for other reasons than personal…

And personally, I don’t really like  talking on the phone. I much more prefer to talk through text or email unless it is a conversation that needs that kind of attention.

 

 

 

Anyway,  here is my friend, starting to have feelings for a person that shares a home and dogs and bank accounts and life with her boyfriend- yet has this little communication going on everyday through text and email.

 

 

 

My friend really diggs this girl…and their growing friendship…

 

 

 

However,

 

 

 

 

 

In the realm of communication, I have come to learn this truth-

 

 

 

 

 TEXT always equals NEXT…

 

 

 

Next please!

 

 

 Next filler in line, next thrill…next high….next person to pass the time.

 

 

 

I told my friend to watch it…guard his heart.

 

 

 

To me,  a person who is in a committed relationship, that is texting and carrying on communication on a daily basis with someone other than their partner-

 

 

 

That person is an intimacy junkie.

 

 

 

Period.

 

 

 

Now, that doesn’t mean that they are to blame. The person on the other end of the text makes the choice to take the bait and stay on the line.

 

 

 

But let’s face it-

 

 

 

There is about as much substance in text as there is in a piece of celery-

 

 

 

 You are basically gnawing on a stick of water…

 

 

 

Now, maybe if you were in the desert- a stick of water a.k.a. celery would be like a slice of heaven to you…

 

 

 

And maybe, in the desert of a committed, yet unhappy relationship- text “relations” is that slice of heaven to a person?

 

 

 

I think though when it comes to your heart-

 

 

 

All should text with caution…

 

 

 

Knowing- that just like anything else that comes with a warning label, sometimes there are risks and one should proceed with caution.

 

 

 

Intimacy junkies are those who need a fix of faux intimacy. While they play house with their girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands and wives.

 

 

 

They don’t get it from their own connection with their lover, yet they are not at a place yet with in themselves to face the truth and make the hard choices that might, just might make them happy.

 

 

 

We have all been there at one time or another in life.

 

 

 

I wonder what it is going to take for all of us to get real? When all around there are options to stay unauthentic?

 

 

 

The moral of this little Monday morning story?

 

 

 

TEXT always means NEXT.

 

 

 

Make sure you have other forms of communication, such as an actual physical conversation on the phone, a long hug- eye to eye contact and conversation…before allowing your heart to ponder sweet nothings…

Next time you find yourself texting someone on a regular basis, ask yourself what you are wanting out of it-

And if it is not to build connectedness, respect, value and friendship- check yourself:)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Last night it hit me-

 

 

 

In the midst of painting my nails and doing my hair-

 

 

As I sat in my cozy, little condo apartment…

 

 

 I was blankly staring into the refrigerator trying to come up with one little opinion or desire as to what might sound good for dinner-

 

 

 

 And that is when it hit me. I have become aTweener- 

 

 

You won’t find Tweener with google- at least not in the way I mean it.

A Tweener is a single who is in “between”-

Still young enough to be considered a “trophy” to the older generation and getting close to old enough to be eligible for the “cougar” category for the younger generation.

I moved on to the cabinets- blankly staring- recollecting the day’s events.

Earlier in the day I had been writing- at Starbucks- when this kid,

(You know you are getting old when you refer to a college student as “a kid”),

Anyway, this guy kept looking at me- I finally looked up and he gave this  sexy, little smile.

I didn’t know what to do- I think I blushed- for the first time in a long time. Not so much at his good looks or blatant confidence in flirting- but at the fact that I would lay down money that he wasn’t even of drinking age yet-

I fixed my eyes on my computer screen trying not to notice that he would not take his eyes off of me.

Finally he asks me a question- I had to take my headphones off so I could hear him-

“So, do you wear those headphones to keep guys like me from talking to you?”- He asks.

“No, I am actually listening to music…”- I respond- trying to sound professional or maybe motherly-

 

 

Anything but flirtatious.

He sat staring-

“I see you in here a lot-  always working hard- what are you working on?” he asks.

 

 

“I am working on editing a book and material for my website … so I am writing.” – I reply.

 

 

“Do you want to take a break and have lunch with me?”- he asks.

OK- I have to stop this now, I thought to myself.

 

 

Before I feel like I need to go to confession… and I am not even Catholic.

“How old are you?”- I ask him.

 

 

“How old do you think I am?”- He responds with a smile.

 

 

“Young enough to answer a question with a question.”- I reply dryly.

 

 

That got a smile out of him.

“I’m 19”- He says…” Why, is that an issue?”

I started laughing…as I replied, “ Uh, yeah… about a 16 year issue.”

He didn’t flinch…

“Look, you are very cute and seem to be a very nice guy, but I need to get back to writing and you need to get to someone from your decade.”- – I replied as I put my headphones back on.

 

 

He smiled and gave a little nod- got up and left.

So- last night as I sat and picked a bag of popcorn out of the pantry-

That is when it all became clear to  me-

I am a tweener single.

I can’t remember the last time a man my age actually approached me-

Fifty somethings- yes!

Forty somethings- yes!

19 year olds- yes!

Twenty somethings? Yes!

Hell, I have even had 70 somethings hit on me…

But a man- my age? a few…

I am lost- floating somewhere in between the older, mature man who wants a younger, mature woman-

And college kids who think I am borderline Cougar material…

I put my popcorn in the microwave and put a movie in…

Foreign…

I have been watching so many movies with subtitles lately that I was half way through an American one last time before I realized I had subtitles on…

I sat in my bed- freshly painted nails- eating popcorn for dinner-

When I realized…

I needed intervention-

I called my best friend in Florida-

“Hi my love”- she answered with her usually cheery, yet kinda  groggy voice.

 

 

“Am I calling too late?”- I asked her since she is one hour later.

 

 

“No, I was kind of asleep… but not really.”- She replied.

 

 

I kept it short-

“Love, if in the next year I get a cat- I want you to shoot me.” I said to her…

 

 

There! To the point.

She laughed out loud…I sat silent.

“Is that it?” – She asked, still laughing.

 

 

“Yep, that’s it. Go back to sleep…”

I hung up the phone and felt a little better.

I may not be able to change the tweener stage I am in right now.

 

But I can bring in the big guns to keep from going full out -stereotypical SINGLE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was invited to a party.

 

 

I walked through the door of the penthouse with a half feeling of dread, rising to the surface from the boiling pot of presumption and stereotypical thoughts swirling around in my mind.

 

 

My best friend looked at me and said , “ Uh, I think we are in pre-baby boomer land.”

 

 

I swallowed and replied back, “Pre- baby boomer my ass. We are in the land of Pre-nupers!”

 

 

20 something’s that are living off of trust funds in multi million dollar penthouses where the paintings on the walls are enough to make a mature art collector salivate- yet the owner is on the couch showing off his highest score on the latest video games- not the art collection.

 

 

I walked out on the balcony and just did what I do best…

 

 

I observed the sea of people before me.

 

 

I watched as the 20 something girls, who strangely enough all in some way resembled each other. Even though there were blonde’s(mostly), red heads and brunettes.

 

 

I watched these girls with there thousands of dollars of accessories and their hair tossing and their spray on tans…

 

 

I looked at the handbags and the shoes and the designer clothing-

 

 

And I thought to myself, what does this remind me of?

 

 

I was not being judgmental, only taking an honest observation of the scene I found myself in. I like my handbags, shoes and accessories too.

 

These girls had everything you could possibly need to be “hot” or be the center of attention. Minus one attribute.

 

 

Mystery.

 

 

Not one of them had that mystique that captures men and stops them in their tracks.

 

 

Not one of them had the perfume of intrigue that you can pick up from across the room on a sensuous woman.

 

 

I pointed that out to my friend. She agreed.

 

 

Again I asked myself what does this remind me of?

 

 

The handbags and shoes and jewelry and dresses?

 

 

And then it came to me-

 

 

Kitty litter.

 

 

Yep.  That is what came to me.

 

 

Kitty litter.

 

 

A cat can do its business and sit there over and over making sure that mess gets covered up.

 

 

 

But after all its hard work and underneath all the litter?

 

 

MESS is still there.

 

 

Kind of like the handbags. You can dress yourself up with the best, work really hard to make sure it is all “covered” up-

 

 

But underneath it is still a MESS.

 

 

My friend and I laughed at these young guys, realizing that they probably wouldn’t even know what to do with themselves outside of this “litter box”.

 

 

I decided to do a little test and told my friend, “Let’s try something. I am going to pick a guy and make eye contact with him. I am going to hold his gaze, unapologetically. I am going to stop his conversation in mid-sentence- I am going to make him blush like a little girlJ.”

 

 

She laughed and was up for the experiement.

 

 

We stood, backs against the counter when I spotted my contestant.

 

 

He was in a conversation with a couple of people, facing me.

 

 

I looked at him, he looked up at me- I did not look away. I did not smile. My lips slightly parted, I just stared.

 

 

My friend had to turn around to keep from laughing,  because he literally lost it. He couldn’t complete his sentence. Lost all concentration. Became so nervous he started fidgeting with his shirt and his pockets. Like a little school boy.

 

 

My best friend whispered under her breath, “Wow, that is amazing. It is like he has never seen a woman before.”

 

 

Yet, he was in a room full of them. 

 

Sensuality is a missing chip in a lot of the girls I witness today. That art form that old Hollywood portrayed so well.

Sensuality is not cheap or easy. It is wealth and an inner richness a woman possessess.

It is not contrived-

 

 

It is mystery and intrigue in its finest.

 

 

 

Inner confidence that has nothing to do with materialism or the strive for perfection.

 

 

The modern day Geisha. That can hold a man’s gaze and make him weak. That can carry on any conversation with knowledge and wit. That has mastered world knowledge and the arts. Multi dimensional like a kaleidoscope.

 

 

A Goddess.

 

 

And it comes from confidence of your whole nature. Knowing who you are and what you want.

 

Accepting yourself, the good and the not so good. Relying on more than the material for happiness and inner power or self assurance.

 

 

A woman, who when the lights go down, knows and loves herself all the more for it.

 

 

Not kitty litter cover up.

 

 

Or Prada and Jimmy ChooJ

 

 

 

 

Oh being single…

 

 

Just love it how people look at me sometimes like a stray puppy hoping and waiting for adoption.

 

As if my being “alone” mirrors back such fear in them…they just have to fix it.

 

 

Funny thing is? I love being alone. I truly do.

 

 

I am ok with being with me…I have learned to love the silence- not only love it, but allow it to cover me in a blanket of relief.

 

 

To some, silence is blunt and forceful. To me, it is soft and lovely.

 

 

I remember when it first came out to make “vision boards”…cutting out things from magazines and such and putting them on a board so you can visualize everyday what you want to create in your life.

 

 

I remember the looks I got from friends and some family when I cut out and put up my “dream” type of home.

 

 

It was some designer’s home…can’t remember who…but one of the straight ones.

 

 

Him and his wife had the main home- amazing bungalow type of open- aired home.

 

 

Then to the right of the property was “his” house. To the left? Hers.

 

 

Yep…they had their own little bungalows. Decorated the way each wanted it. 100% their expression. A place to go for solitude. For creating.

 

 

For peace.

 

 

My dream home…

 

At breakfast this weekend I sat with friends and we discussed a man who is wanting to meet me.

 

 

Over a bite of my omelette and a sip of my luke- warm coffee, I nonchalantly stated that I would love to meet him as a friend, but had no interest romantically or physically or anything else not resembling “friendship”.

 

 

My guy friend sat in front of me and with sweet smile said, “ I don’t understand that. How can you

 make that decision when you haven’t even  met the guy? What? You can tell through an email?”

 

 

Another sip of coffee, I looked up at him and said, “ I just know.”, as I shrugged my shoulders with a little smile.

 

 

“How???”- he asked.

 

 

I sat searching my thoughts trying to find words to explain an inner knowing.

 

 

Words failed me, until this visual came into my mind.

 

 

I asked my friend, “ You know how they train people to identify counterfeit money?”

 

 

My friend replied, “ Yeah, they give them nothing but real money to study.”

 

 

“Correct”, I said…” They give them real money to study so intently that they memorize every last grain, texture, symbol, smell… that is what it is like for me. I have known since my first breath the “real” thing.  Memorized every last bit of essence. I may not be able to show the real thing yet in my life, but I certainly know its counterfeit.”

 

 

 

I got kudos on that analogyJ Those are my cool friends, they get it.

 

 

Now,  I have made what some might view as mistakes- loving and giving my heart to counterfeits.

 

 

No mistakes…only lessons. Bringing me closer to authenticity…the real thing.

 

It is all a journey. And I embrace the mornings I wake up and feel cool air against my skin from the space all around me, unfilled.

 

As much as I enjoy the mornings I wake up and feel warm skin against me…(although I can’t really remember what that feels likeJ)

 

I love it how sometimes,  I am out with friends who are married or in partnership…some of them act as if my singleness is equivalent to an STD or something…spreads easily, …tabu…keeps coming back…as if it is gonna wear off on them.

 

Not all them and I have to say it really isn’t my close friends. More acquaintances-

 

I love it how I can share my single stories and see a flicker of life in the man’s eyes…like “ahhh the good ole’ days”…and yet see the fear in the woman’s eyes…like a deer caught in head lights.

 

Amazing how to some,  ” relationship”  has come to be a means to an end…

 

 

I spy…the TRUTH. How about you?