Amy Venezia

 

 

Why am I so hard on women? I got a comment from a reader feeling I woman bash at times…I appreciate her honesty.

 

My response? I am harder on women because I am one. I can’t speak for men…it is impossible to have a true outlook on why they do what they do because I am not one…obviously:).

 

Woman basher. Now, that is a new one for me!

 

Even so, I will try and explain where I am coming from.

 

As a woman, I have fought hard to take the heartbreaks and lessons life has presented to me and use them to help me take 100% responsibility for my own life.

 

I am the owner of my body; I am the author of my story. I am learning to trust my instinct and actually listen…which, is the greatest challenge for a woman.

 

We all speak of equality and rights- yet, we still try to live from a, “wounded, weaker mentality” when faced with relationship dynamics with men. It is a complete contradiction and widens the gap between where we are and where we desire to be.

 

We do this to ourselves- not men. Not society. We blindly bring it on ourselves without awareness or consciousness.

 

Women expect men to be upfront and honest with them yet, a majority of women are not even honest with themselves about the true make up of a man. And, even if they are honest enough to acknowledge the differences- most women judge men and their differences and every single thing they do is from a strategic positioning of trying to change them.

 

I will even go as far to say that the only way some women feel safe in intimate relationships with men is if their man in some way “mimics” the emotional and moral make up of a woman.

 

It is the Cinderella syndrome…and in order to perpetuate it, we project onto men the image of what we need for them to be in order to sustain the “safety”. As a result, women tend to read into words and actions, believe words over actions and assume whatever it takes to support the imaginary image…and men, will spoon feed us this because they have found it works-anything to avoid conflict and criticism- the two ugly “C” words that are like Kryptonite to men.

 

There has been a gross imbalance for centuries and centuries of women denying their own needs to fulfill a man’s needs and of women looking to men to fulfill those needs.

It is repression and projection and the basis of dysfunction in the modern world today. It is an endless treadmill of each person in the relationship having to so delicately play their part and keep up the charade as not to disrupt the flow of “conditional” love that we convince ourselves is unconditional.

 

I, for one, believe it is time for us ladies to listen to the men around us. Because they are simply mirroring back to us how much we are willing to betray ourselves.

 

All deception begins with self deception.

 

Self deception always precedes the belief of a lie.

 

They key is for women to stop looking to the outside and start going within for their needs. Because, in order to meet your needs you have to be honest with yourself and, when you start being honest with yourself… you start attracting honesty in your life.

 

Why am I so hard on women? It is actually a compliment. I believe women have the power to heal the rift between men and women; by starting with themselves.

 

But, at some point the blame game has to stop. There is no use in pointing the finger at anyone else when the power lies within you. We can choose how to handle things, how to let it affect us, who to stay with, what to put up with, what to believe, how to communicate, how to love and how to be loved.

 

I call it speaking MENGLISH  Drop your judgments and you just might see something of beauty in the differences between men and women. Work on yourself and you will find quality men are all that surround you.

 

 

 

As Emeril would say, BAM!! There you have it!

 

 

 

 

 

Friday night I had friends in town.

 

 

Friends I have had for over a decade, friends that have been with me through thick and thin.

 

 

They are the kind of friends who roll large…limo’s and champagne…best wine and food and no shortage of laughter.

 

 

Generous friends, that yell out “The Queen” whenever I walk in the room…and treat me with that kind of respect.

 

 

Friday night, I didn’t feel like going out.

 

 

I have been in a metamorphosis of sorts. I have had two years of the kind of fun that could be incorporated into a Sex and The City episode.

 

 

But as with everything in life, it is a pendulum swing. And the last couple of months, I have been called to more balance-

 

 

In all areas of my life.

 

 

After leaving my last long term relationship- close to five years long- I needed fun. I needed lightness. I needed laughter. I needed to be reminded I was still a sexy woman. I needed to turn heads and flirt without intention. I needed to know life could be light again.

 

 

I needed a break from the depths I had been swimming in.

 

 

But there is only so much affirmation that can come from outside of you.

 

 

Then life says, “Ok…enough now. You got the message- time to go within.”

 

 

And that is where I was at Friday night …that and a little under the weather.

 

 

I hesitantly put on my little black dress, sported my new Betsy Johnson stilettos -straightened my hair with a little crown of braids- took a deep breath and walked out the door into the limo waiting for me outside.

 

 

There were my friends- and immediately my mind got off of my physical ailments and I started to enjoy the night.

 

 

We arrived at the restaurant and had a lot of fun. But I was conscious throughout the night that a chapter in my life was closing.

 

 

I looked around me and just couldn’t vibe with it anymore. Granted, I didn’t feel good. But it wasn’t that. It was me, deciding it is time for a new chapter.

 

 

 

I smiled at my friends and the champagne and the laughs- looked around and thought to myself…

 

 

 

“ Amy, this is the equivalent to your bachelorette party.”

 

 

 

I never had one of those. I was married at a young age and didn’t even drink alcohol at the time. I didn’t have a “one last shebang party”.

 

 

 

The kind of party that is out with the old to bring in the new.

 

 

 

Friday night represented that for me…

 

 

 

The only constant in life is change…and where there is change , there is growth.

 

 

 

And where there is growth- there you will find balance.

 

 

 

I like balance. 

 

 

 

So as I walked out of the restaurant I ran into a friend who said, “ What is the occasion Ms. Thang?”..

 

 

 

I replied back, “ A bachelorette party!”-

 

 

 

He asked, “ Who is getting married?”

 

 

 

I said, “ I am!”

 

 

 

Wide eyed and in complete shock, he asked, “ TO WHOM???!!”

 

 

“ To me…”- I replied back with a little wink as I slid into the limo.

 

 

Life is good…every moment.

 

 

Every turn-

 

 

 

 Every hill and every valley-

 

 

 

And every choice…

 

 

Make it a beautiful life.

 

 

 

 

“What exactly is ‘self-love’ to you Amy?”

I leaned back in my chair-

I had my laptop in the little covey of my living room window.

Candles lit and with the dim light of the computer screen, I could just barely see my reflection in the window.

It had been a long day. My hair looked like I just rolled out of bed…eye liner slightly smudged from the work out prior to the checking my emails.

I just sat and stared at my reflection and well….reflected.

I was being asked this question by a reader who had seen a comment I had written about “self love”.

Well, it certainly wasn’t what I was feeling looking at myself in that moment. All I was feeling was a shower coming on…

What a good question to ask…I thought to myself.

That is why I love to get correspondence from my readers- sometimes you make a comment or ask a question that gets me thinking and coming from a new angle.

Self-love has been an evolving thing to me over the years.

And I can only answer what it means to me from my place of relativity. For everyone it is different.

It is almost as difficult to put into a box or definition as “love” is.

When you begin to think about it or try, it is like pulling a thread from your favorite sweater…

You unravel the mystery enough to lose the tangible, solid form you were holding in your hands that you could pinpoint and say “Yeah, that is a sweater”- to a handful of thread that you can now do what you please with- make and mold into anything you want.

To me, this is what happens when I try to break down what self-love is to me.

When I get silent enough- the core of it means to me that I acknowledge the universal truth of who I am and who every other human being is too.

There is no human who has ever been born or who will ever be born who is devoid of the need to be loved when arriving on this planet.

We all want to be seen- we all want to be heard.

We all want a second chance- and a third and a fourth.

We all want our goodness to be acknowledged and our weakness to be accepted.

We all want to be forgiven seventy times seven and again…

If you think about it- this desire we have is the built in compass we all carry inside of us.

Some of us just have so much “junk” accumulated we can’t get to it anymore.

So the day I got to the core of this within myself- I realized that the reason I desire all these things, just like every other person on the planet , is because deep inside I know the “TRUTH”.

That I am a brilliant work of art- no matter what my spiritual beliefs are-

Even scientifically. To think of the perfection of this body, of all its parts, of my personality, there is never ever going to be another ‘me’ on this planet.

Never has been and never will be. Blows my mind.

Clarity, creativity, compassion and peace of mind are always present when I remember this truth.

So to me,  if it feels that good and the results are that positive- this must be a good road to travel down.

I have never, since I was a child, understood judging another human being.

I have gotten wrapped up in it at times. I have expressed criticism to those I love the most. I have lashed out and I am sure made someone feel less than loved at times.  

Every time I have ever caught myself lashing out like that has been a time I could visibly point out the pain I was in or the fear that had come up for me in that moment.

Always about me, never about the other person.

Every time I have ever done this, I have felt the sting come right back to me. It doesn’t feel good to blame and criticize- To judge and demean another. To automatically assume how someone might be off of their “personality” traits.

So, first I come to realize that just as I need love- so does everyone else around me. And when I extend love I get it back. Period.

Next, painstakingly I have come to accept my flaws.

That is a tough one. Letting go of the perfectionism.

When it comes to how much I have beat myself up over the years? I would make Mike Tyson look like a purring kitten…

As I was that hard on myself- guess what? So was everyone else around me.

In 35 years I have accepted the fact that what I give is what I get.

Period.

You can call it metaphysics or la la land new age-

Call it what you want but it is a scientific fact. A law of nature.

When I show myself love? Patience? Light heartedness? When I can laugh at my mistakes and give myself the benefit of the doubt?

I find that is what I am met with in my day from the girl who makes me coffee, to the banker taking my deposit to the dog I pass on the sidewalk.

You ooze love – love finds a way to ooze back to you.

Self- love to me is when I plan out dinner and go to the store excited and put just as much effort into as I would if I was making it for my lover…nice music. Light candles…beautiful bottle of wine- yet it is just me attending. That is self- love to me.

Self- love is when others want to keep you down over a mistake supposedly made- having the guts to get back up off the ground and move on as if nothing even occurred.

The guts to let go of playing victim…of any belief or thought that undermines the totality of the miracle it is to be HUMAN.

Self- love is taking responsibility for my life and how I react to the ups and downs.

Self- love is not taking on another person’s opinion of who I am or what I can be.

Self -love is the only love that I will 100% have in my life until the day I leave this earth.

There is no other love outside of myself that I can say that with.

People come and go, relationships come and go, friends come and go, love comes and goes.

Self- love?

Forever…

 

Everyone feels good when they are considered to be a “good lover”…

 

Here’s a little tip…be a “good self lover” and you will never go wrong in that department:)