Amy Venezia

 

 

I get to do this every day. This is my life.

 

Observing, asking the questions, and like a pit bull on you’re a@#, not letting go until I get an answer.

 

I like to think I am a Love Detective. Some people say Doctor…but I don’t cure anyone. I am not prescribing a cure all or shoveling out happy pills to cover it all up.

 

No, I uncover.

 

It drives my friends crazy.

 

Whenever we are out, I can be talking while not missing a word of the conversation next to me. I can read a couples body language and gage their level of intimacy and happiness, all the while never skipping a beat in my own circle of friends.

 

Yes, going out is my petri dish…and the people who are out around me? My subjects…

 

 However, I am my main subject.

 

Me-

 

With all the experiences and the failures and the growth and the lessons and mostly, the desire to not give up until I understand myself more.

 

It is pretty common that when I am out and someone new is in the circle and asks me what I do, that I get questions.

 

 

Most the time I am quick with answers. Sometimes I have to admit I have no idea. Those are the questions I like the most…the ones that make me search.

 

Sunday I was asked a question, and it has taken me until now to start to uncover the answer, or at least part of it.

 

I have been asked this question more than once this month from readers…

 

I had a guy ask me what I thought about how the dynamics have shifted between men and women these days. Especially, the women of my generation. The 30 something’s…even the late 20 something’s.

 

Specifically, he was asking in terms of sexuality.

 

I had to think about that one.

 

So…like I always do, I did a self-examination…and not the kind you are thinking;)

 

First off, my opinion is we are all pretty screwed in this country when it comes to sexuality…and I don’t mean that literally.

 

We grow up, going through puberty, hoping to catch the slight glimpse of a breast through the scrabbled playboy channel on cable…while people in other countries are laying nude on a beach from birth.

 

Every message we receive is that it is somehow wrong, dirty, shameful…so we hide it…”IT” being the natural way we are supposed to be.

 

We are slathered in guilt from our first breath, yet bombarded with media and in your face sex at the same time.

 

 Screwed.

 

I have a theory. Where there is suppression there is regression.

 

We don’t move forward.

 

Oh, we try. In our magazines and music and video games and fashion.

 

But do we truly believe in what we are selling?

 

Not for a second. We are a nation of hypocrites.

 

 If a woman enjoys sex, she is still a whore.

 

If a man enjoys sex, he is still a stud.

 

Men and women still buy into the lie that was created centuries and centuries ago- birthed from the fragile ego of man….

 

Hate to say it, but it is the truth.

 

Men have never been able to handle a woman who matches their sexuality.

 

Obvious as to why…

 

The male ego is much, much more fragile than the female ego. The male ego can’t handle the thought that on top of survival, protection and providing-

 

Their sexual prowess might not be enough.

 

So men and men alone created the divide.

 

The woman you sleep with and the woman you marry.

 

I just read about a study-

 

Both men and women were shown porn, individually of course. They were hooked up to machines that were able to measure the precise point in which arousal took place in them both.

 

After the experiment- they were taken into a room and individually questioned.

 

When the men were asked “ At what point do you feel you became aroused?”, the men answered , “within the first 10 seconds.”

 

When the same question was asked of the women? Most of the women answered either “Not at all” or “towards the end.”

 

What were the actual test results?

 

The men and the woman were less than 1 ½ seconds apart in arousal. And when was it for both of them? Right after the first ten seconds.

 

Women have so many generations of the “story” engrained in their heads that they don’t even know when and what they feel anymore.

 

That is so, so sad.

 

What does that have to do with today?

 

Mix the suppression of sexuality with the in your face sex of today, with the reality that women have been hitting a brick wall for centuries trying to make men into what they want them to be, with the ability for women to now provide for themselves and you now have the MODERN WOMAN.

 

One whom like a pendulum, has gone from one extreme to the other.

 

 

One whom in the instant gratification society we live in, has learned she gets better results with lust than love.

 

When women gave up the manipulation of having to feign love and attraction for survival- it all began to unravel like a loose thread from a sweater.

 

It was a deal we both struck with each other. Women would play their part and have a roof over their heads and the life they wanted and men would provide and hold the key to the locked door of the box they placed their women in.

Manipulation for manipulation.

 

And so we are where we are today, people wandering around a bit lost. A bit confused.

 

Not even close to the ways of our parent’s generation, yet not particularly comfortable with the ways of our own.

 

Remember that feeling when you would go roller skating as a child? When you finally stopped skating along the sides of the rink, close enough to be able to grab the railing? Wobbly and in every second almost wiping out, weaving in and out of the oncoming skaters, finally making it to the middle of the rink…

 

It was exhilaration in the form of freedom yet a feeling of complete vulnerability.

 

Some days I feel like that.

 

I hold beliefs that sex is a sacred experience. It is a soul experience.

 

My views on sex are this-

 

It is like drinking… you can either have Korbel or Cristal. Both are going to give you the result you are looking for. It just comes down to what you are willing to settle for- the least or the best.

 

 

I am not willing to settle. Ergo, there are times in my life that I mimic a camel. I store my experiences and go through the desert until the next. And sometimes that is a very, very long drought.

 

We are all different, and I do not judge a persons choices. I do not buy into the labels and boxes.

 

But, I am concerned for the woman who uses her sexuality without owning it.

 

The one that becomes the intimacy junkie…exchanging true intimacy for one time hits in order to feel a faux love.

 

I am concerned for the man that can now just stand around and have it come to him on a silver platter. The challenge no longer offering the resistance men need to grow and evolve.

 

Simply my observations…my honest look into the question I was asked and the thoughts that arrived from asking that question.

 

What do you think? Are we more lost than we have ever been or closer to the truth than we have ever been.

 

I believe we are closer to the truth…

 

 

 

 

The Ten things I LOVE on this FRIDAY!

 

 

1. I love that the soloist bird outside my window has now turned into a trio…I have missed hearing them.

 

 

2. Singing in the shower…I really let loose- My version of an American Idol audition.

 

 

 

3. Sade’s new CD…

 

 

4. Sitting in the bar at Watermark, over looking the city- enjoying some stone mill grits and good conversation.

 

 

5. Waking up with a smile…I try to every morning. And if I don’t? The first thing I say is thank you and I love you…to what I believe in…that puts a smile on my face.

 

 

6. Witnessing a first date…you can’t pay for better entertainment.

 

 

7. Writing. I am thankful every day for the gift of being able to express through words. I am thankful for the blank piece of paper that becomes the canvas for my imagination.

 

 

8. Simple attraction. When you run into a person or you are  in a room with a person… and  you find yourself very aware of them. The little reminder that you are still alive and kicken’:)

 

 

9. Tulips. Any color. They just make me happy to look at them.

 

 

10.  SUNSHINE!!!

 

Happy Friday!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am going to be wide open here, 100% transparent. I am gonna spill my heart out…

 

 

I sat talking with a friend last night over scotch…listening to him remind me that I care too much what people think.

 

 

He is right.

 

 

I always have.

 

 

He wanted to hug me and I wouldn’t let him because I knew if he did, all the eyes around who already misjudge and lie about me would once again, do the same. If we hug, I must be hooking up with him…

 

 

 

We all come into life with something to overcome.

 

 

This has been mine.

 

 

I have dealt with gossip, rumors and lies my whole life.

 

 

I am an easy target-

 

 

Because I care-because I wear my heart on my sleeve- because I move through my life with passion in every breath I breathe- because I refuse to conform or follow the status quo- because I am obnoxiously, ultra sensitive. Because I love sensuality, femininity, dressing up, going out, having fun…

 

 

 

I get that because I put myself out there, I have it coming. I get that what I write about is controversial. I get it, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect me.

 

 

 

And because of the pain I have felt from the reckless words from my fellow human beings, I have always been mindful of not making judgments or feigning knowledge of a person who I don’t know them or their story.

 

 

 

 

“Here is your final lesson- DO NOT commit the crime for which you now serve the sentence”- The Count of Monte Cristo

 

 

Some of the rumors I have heard about me in this Bible Belt area in the last two years have made me laugh. Some have made me cry. Some have broken my heart and weighed on my shoulders like an overcoat…helpless to defend or change them.

 

 

 

But one thing is certain, they have all helped me keep in check my tongue and my judgments of others.

 

 

Here are some of the things that have gotten back to me on the wind:

 

 

Because I write a blog called “My Bedroom blog” I am slut.

 

 

Because I have a lot of guy friends- I am slut.

 

 

Because I write about relationships and to write about relationships you can’t skip the sex part- I am a slut.

 

 

Because I made a mistake when I first started out writing the blog- by writing about someone in a half fiction, half non fiction way and then tried to fix it by writing more and addressing it- I am crazy…oh, and a slut of course.

 

 

The truth?

 

 

 

 

1. The LIE-Because I write a blog called “My Bedroom blog” I am slut.

 

The TRUTH- “My bedroom blog” is an analogy. I named that because my blog is where I “bare it all”…just like in the bedroom. But gossipers don’t take the time to learn about things- they only assume.

 

 

2. The LIE- Because I have a lot of guy friends- I am slut.

 

The TRUTH- I get men more than I get women. I love men. I love to hang out with men. I think like a man~ period. I don’t want to sit around talking about Jimmy Choo’s, gossip about other women or bash men. I enjoy comfortable moments of silence, which I find a lot of women are not capable of. If gossiper’s took the time to ask my guy friends if they hook up with me- they would learn the truth…but gossipers don’t take the time to learn the truth, they only assume.

 

 

3. The LIE- Because I write about relationships and to write about relationships you can’t skip the sex part- I am a slut.

 

The TRUTH- Writing about relationships and leaving out sex is like writing about spaghetti and leaving out the sauce. I am not ashamed or afraid to talk about what other people are thinking but don’t have the guts to say. But gossipers don’t care about having guts or the moxie to speak the truth- cowardness is the way of the gossiper.

 

 

 

 

4. THE LIE- Because I made a mistake when I first started out writing the blog- by writing about someone in a half fiction, half non fiction way and then tried to fix it by writing more and addressing it- I am crazy…oh, and a slut of course.

 

The TRUTH- When I first started my blog I listened to the mentors in my publishing to mimic a type of “Sex and the city” style writing. I made a stupid, but honest mistake in doing that. I learned from my literary blunder, I apologized profusely. I took and swallowed all the whispers and the stares and the lies, because I was at fault for it in the first place. But gossipers don’t care when you own up to an honest mistake, admitting or forgiving or giving someone the benefit of the doubt is weakness to a gossiper.

 

 

 

 

Why do we do this to each other? Why is gossip such a huge part of the way we feed our own insecurities and fill the moments of our time? Why do we find lies and assumptions more intriguing and entertaining than the truth?

 

 

What we do to each other and the cavalier ways in which we hold another person’s reputation is probably the worst character flaw we have as human beings.

 

 

 

If we all had some kind of super human power, that the moment we met a person we got a flash, an empathetic flash, of that person’s life experiences and hurts – we would be much more loving to each other.

 

 

 

We wouldn’t judge or be so quick to whisper a lie in someone’s ear.

 

 

 

We wouldn’t presume to know about a person, yet we have no idea what their middle name is, or their favorite color, or how many siblings they have, or if they have ever been abused, or what makes them afraid, or what makes them smile, or how many times they have had their hearts broken, or when was the last time they cried and why?

 

 

 

I write this because those rumors I addressed above? They have caused me pain. They have caused me to be more loving and aware of my own judgments, yes. But that awareness came with a price.

 

 

 

I find it amazing, when I hear people speak of God and love and friendship- and yet they show no love. They show no compassion. They do not think on what so ever things are just, kind or of good report.

 

 

 

I ask again, why?

 

 

 

My only answer is, when looking within, at the times I have presumed- spread a half truth or a lie- gossiped and judged a person- it was at a time in my life when I didn’t hold the self respect or the love I hold for myself now.

 

 

 

If we loved ourselves, we would never be able to do to another- what we would not want done to ourselves.

 

 

 

Think about it. If we were that aware, we would not hurt each other. We would realize that every time we presumed or spoke of something untrue we only hurt ourselves.

 

 

 

I would not take back the lessons I have learned in my life through another’s jealousy and gossip.

 

 

 

I am a better, kinder, more forgiving person because of it.

 

 

 

I take responsibility for how my judgments and words affect another person.

 

 

 

I am grateful to those people, they were and are my teachers.

 

 

In the end, they do not take away from me with their lies, they enhance me with strength of character and the ability to choose myself and be my own biggest admirer and defender.

 

 

For that I am grateful.

 

 

I finish the post with a story from the movie DOUBT. It is stunningly simple and true…on the subject of gossip.

 

 

 

 

 

“A parishioner goes to her Priest to confess about gossiping.

 

 

The priest tells her he wants her to go back home, take a feather pillow and a knife up to her roof top of her building and slash the pillow. She does as she is told and feathers go flying everywhere.

 

 

Confused, she goes back to the Priest and asks why he had her do that?

 

 

“I want you to go back up to the rooftop and retrieve every feather that escaped from that pillow.”  The Priest replies…

 

 

Impossible…hundreds of feathers floating on the wind. Just like gossip.”

 

 

GOSSIP, RUMORS and LIES… impossible to take back the words we let come out of our mouths.  No matter if they are innocently juicy in nature or malicious in intent. There is no way to know how many “feathers” fly on the wind from one, little sentence out of a mouth.

 

 

We can love each other better than that…I know we can.

 

 

 

 

The TEN things I LOVE on this FRIDAY!

 

 

1. Being a woman. Hands down…would much rather feel than feel nothing at all.

 

 

 

 

2. My wine nights with my friend Mags…she rocks.

 

 

 

 

3. The first sip of coffee in the mornings…sad how much pleasure it brings me:)

 

 

 

4. A man with the combination of dark hair and blue eyes…slays me every time.

 

 

 

5. How I have another Friday to write this list…

 

 

 

6. The combination of delicious food, stunningly good wine, soul moving music and true friends.

 

 

 

7. How I can look back on places I have traveled to and experiences I have had and it seriously seems like another life time…I want to live five lifetimes in one:)

 

 

 

8. My memories of driving down the PCH- top down (not off;)- listening to some Cash…I miss California…

 

 

 

9. When I get a hug from someone that in that moment? Everything else around me disappears.

 

 

 

10.  Wine, chocolate and subtitles…my foreign film date night…with myself.

 

 HAPPY FRIDAY!

 

 

 

 

The TEN things I LOVE on this FRIDAY!

 

 

 

1. Watching the snow fall while in my bed writing this…

 

 

 

 

2. That the threat of being snowed in for some reason gave me the excuse to buy bacon… I hardly ever eat bacon~ but looking forward to a yummy bacon and egg sandwichJ

 

 

 

 

3. How life gives you the opportunity to run into someone who really did you some damage in a hurtful way a long time ago- and yet you find you just feel love for them. That is a really cool feeling.

 

 

 

 

 

4. Wearing my hair in pigtails…it just makes me feel five again.

 

 

 

 

 

5. When I look up and see a man for the first time…and with that one look from him, he reminds me in all the right ways that I am all womanJ

 

 

 

 

 

6. Sea salt and vinegar chips…

 

 

 

 

7. Watching the people in our country step up and help Haiti, even in our financial state right now…

 

 

 

 

 

8. Laughing so hard my cheeks hurt…

 

 

 

 

 

9. Pandora radio…

 

 

 

 

10. That the snow day today has given me the opportunity to stay at home and finish writing this new bookJ No excuses…

 

 

 

 

Happy Friday!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some people like to stay on the surface. There are some couples I observe that have the communication depth of a pot hole…

But hey, it works for them and as they say, it takes all kinds…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Maybe it is the crossing over when they allow it that keeps this part of their heart alive. These are the ones that you see most the time in long term relationships; the kind that when you meet them you can’t quite figure out if they are friends, roommates, brother or sister? There is a comfort there because there is a consistency and a dependency.

 

 

 

 

They both stay on the surface; they don’t rock the boat or draw the other deeper. And most the time, they find themselves drawn to scuba divers…we will get to those in a minute.

 

 

Those are the snorkelers…

 

 

Then there is the snuba group. Snuba was created as the alternative for those seeking more than a snorkel experience but not as deep as a scuba experience.

 

 

 

 

 You see, snubas go under the surface, use the gear that a scuba diver wears, but their breath line is connected by a cord to the breath tanks that are floating in a rafter upon the surface.

 

 

 

So technically, they are more snorkeler than scuba… but they have a longing to see what lies beneath. To allow every inch of their body to be submersed in the sea of love, while still having the security and peace of mind knowing they are tied to something on the surface.

 

 

 

 

 

 

These are usually singles, commitment phobic’s, or even ones who are in long term- maybe long distance relationships, that find they sometimes cross the line into the experience with a scuba. But obviously they can only go so deep because they are still attached to their security line; which is their comfort line.

 

 

 

 

 I don’t envy the snubas. There is an underlining longing drawing them deeper, yet they can’t seem to cut the cord and go for it. It is as if they are stuck between both worlds.

Then there are the scuba divers. I fall into this category. These are the people who can’t imagine not going as deep as you can because they know that it is in the depths where the wonder of life exists; in all of its magnificent colors, caves, and even impending danger.

 

 

 Yes, they run the risk of running out of air. Yes, they run the risk of getting eaten alive.

 

These are the ones working to be the master to the art of their own seduction. But it is in their blood and no matter if the tank is showing the air is going to run out soon, they hope for one last magnificent display of creation to pass before their eyes on their way up for air.

 

 

These are not faint in heart. They don’t fear love, and if they do it is the passion and drive for pushing the envelope or bulldozing a new path that will over ride their logic.

 

 

Scubas usually find themselves attracted to snubas. They see in them the lightness and almost sit in awe of the snuba’s ability to exist in both worlds.

 

 

 The snorkeler doesn’t go deep enough for them. They might find themselves attracted for the first 5 minutes but they always crave a deeper connection, even in the most casual of interactions.

The person who has mastered their senses and found balance within themselves is a person who can snorkel, snuba and scuba; finding the gift in all of them.

 

 

 That can connect to all people on the level that nurtures the best in both themselves and the other person; but is still a person comfortable in the depths that they feel most natural in. Whether that is on the surface, a few feet under or down as deep as it can get…

 

 

So…

 

 

In the sea of love,

 

 

Do you snorkel?

 

 

Snuba?

 

 

Or Scuba?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The TEN things I LOVE on this FRIDAY!

 

 

 

 

1. How I got behind a giant, jacked up truck this week- only to see a fake pair of balls hanging from the dude’s trailer hitch. I don’t know if you have ever seen that before? But, even though traffic was bad and I was stuck behind him for what seemed like an eternity? Every time those babies swung back and forth, I cracked up…very much needed that.

 

2. Sitting on the glass at a hockey game- no other way to watch it than that.

 

3. Watching snow fall while lying in my warm bed. A very peaceful feeling…

 

4. My friends, I love my friends this Friday- thankful to have such inspiring and giving people in my life.

 

5. Men… I love men. I have such a support system around me of men that love me, encourage me, protect me…and I totally believe it is for that fact alone. That I love them, for all the differences and brilliance.

 

6. I love what I do. I love hearing from the people who take the time to read my thoughts…everyday I am humbled in the outreach and connections that I make. I love the written word- Love it like a LOVERJ

 

7. Living downtown…I love feeling the pulse of a city.

 

8. Soul connections. Those rare times in life when I lay eyes on a person and something very deep inside just knows…this is a person who is going to move me…something very deep just knows in that one moment, there is no turning back- those people who stir your soul and help you discover that pain and beauty can be felt in the exact same moment- and so you learn that like a two sided coin, they really are one in the same. Those people that forever alter how you were living life and what you believed in before they crossed your path…I love those people.

 

9. The scent of my skin when I get out of the shower…so I guess I love my soapJ

 

10.  Romance- today I love and celebrate romance in my life.

 

HAPPY FRIDAY!

 

 

I thought I had heard them all…

 

 

But this takes the cookie-

 

 

One of the things that I hear the most from women about what drives them nuts about men, is this-

 

 

The inability to take responsibility when caught doing something “wrong”.

 

 

Now, “wrong” has a lot of variations according to the one judging.

 

 

But,  in most cases and with a lot of men, the “wasn’t me” excuse seems to be an innate reflex.

 

 

In other words, it is always someone or something else’s fault.

 

 

 

“Why didn’t you call when you said you would?”, she asks. His response?- “ Because my cell phone battery went dead and the charger in the car all the sudden broke and then a pack of gorillas stole all my friends phones and none of the pay phones would take my change and the phone at the bar got struck by lightening and….”

 

 

How about an “ I forgot to” or “Didn’t feel like it”? or “ Because I was too busy talking to the hot girls standing next to us?”

 

 

Why is it so hard for men to state the obvious? And why is it so easy for women to pretend fake belief in the excuse, all the while keeping a mental check list of white lies in the back of their minds for future use and weaponry?

 

 

The “WASN”T ME “ Syndrome- a vicious cycle that both sexes equally play a part in.

 

 

 

Now, this especially comes out when men are caught in the act of cheating.

 

 

 

You could literally walk in on them in the act and they will still cling to the “wasn’t me” like a man overboard clinging to a life preserver.

 

 

 

I thought I had heard some pretty creative excuses-

 

 

However, I have to say, the excuse I am about to talk about made me reconsider…

 

 

 

In the news today, there is a story about a singer who has just been “caught” having multiple, what he calls, “spiritual” relationships with women other than his wife.

 

 

 

Spiritual a.k.a. sexual.

 

 

 

His excuse?

 

 

 

He is blaming his religion-

 

 

 

Yep, stating that his faith allows for multiple wives/partners and this has caused him to cheat.

 

 

Although, his wife was completely oblivious to the loop hole in their religion.

 

 

 

Really?

 

 

Blame it on alien abduction or someone put a gun to your head and said that if you didn’t cheat on your wife you would never see your family again…I could have more respect for these than blaming a religion that you choose to follow and then all the sudden need to make a scapegoat of your hormones.

 

 

 

What has happened to inner integrity?

 

 

I am not talking about morals. I am talking about choices and responsibility going hand in hand.

 

 

If you are going to choose something- choose it with all your heart, mind and body. Back up that choice with bravado

Or, don’t make the choice at all.

 

 

Inner integrity takes balls.

 

 

Men wonder why they are not understood and not accepted for how they are by women.

 

 

You have to show your true face to be truly accepted. With the infidelity rate sky high. With overwhelming surge and success of porn.

 

 

Why can’t we acknowledge the elephant in the room?

If, instead of facing the breakdown we have in relationships in the area of sexuality with fear, we can face it with eyes willing to see and ears willing to hear? If we can take it apart brick by brick to see what both of us, men and women, are choosing to contribute to the mess? Maybe then we can begin to understand and accept ourselves.

Then comes acceptance of each other.

Then comes real LOVE. Transparent love. The true definition of intimacy.

 

 

MEN LOVE SEX and are not made to only think of  and desire ONE woman.

 

 

MEN ARE NOT HAIRY FEMALES!!!

 

 

Even though women want them to be just that- think and feel like women in a masculine body.

 

 

I could write a book on this alone…

 

 

Oh wait, I am doing just thatJ

 

 

 

Stay tuned…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The TEN things I LOVE on this FRIDAY, JAN. 1^st, 2010!!

 

 

1. Joy was one of the emotions that greeted me this morning…haven’t felt her in awhile. I don’t think she enjoys hanging with sadness~ so with some soul searching and decisions, she was one of the first in line this morningJ

 

 

2. That for the first time in my life I truly DO NOT care what people think anymore. I used to say it and think it, but never felt that way. After taking a long look at how futile it is to care about what someone thinks when they have no idea where you are coming from and are also seeing through their own life lenses that have nothing to do with you? Well, I feel like I just got a get out of jail for free card- WE ARE ALL RIDING A HORSE OF A DIFFERENT COLOR-MYSELF INCLUDED!

 

3. I love the people who have been brave enough to let their words be heard in this world- those who move my soul- Rumi, Don Miguel Ruiz, Paulo Coelho, Wayne Dyer,  all of the philosophers…just to name a few.

 

4. I love going outside in the morning and listening to the birds sing- part of they way I meditate I guess.  I individually focus on one bird at a time. It is amazing when you do that, to hear the differences in tone, octave and melody. Talk about beautiful and getting you in the moment.

 

5.  I love my body. I am grateful for my health and have come to love every inch of my uniqueness. Even the junk in my trunkJ

 

6. The smile from a stranger- when you look up and catch them smiling at you. Means as much to me for some reason than when friends do…I guess because that person is seeing you for the first time- and something inside or outside, or something you have done, has brought a smile to them. That is pretty cool.

 

7. How the dog I am sitting- a giant Golden retriever/Shepherd mix- gets up in bed with me and lays, vertical, like a human next to me and falls asleep. Like my own big space heater…

 

8. The new project I am working on…not gonna jinx it- but it is pretty coolJ

 

9. Pumpkin pie- I am ashamed to say I ate a whole one in two days:)

 

10. I LOVE that the sun is out today!!! Makes me happy happy!

 

 

Happy Friday and Happy Newyear!

Make it a good one:)

 

 

It was November 14^th.

 

 

 

I woke up in the middle of the night with an intense pain in my left breast. Well, intense enough to wake me up. The pain radiated to underneath my arm and I could even feel it in my shoulder blade.

 

 

 

I remember drifting in and out of sleep…

 

 

 

That next morning I woke up, still in pain. So, in the shower, I decided to feel around to see if I could find the source-

 

 

 

And there I found it.

 

 

 

A lump.

 

 

I don’t know which was bigger, the lump my fingers grazed over, or the one in my throat that continued to build as I continued to feel.

 

 

 

It was the weekend, so I knew I couldn’t do anything about it.

 

 

 

But my mind went on over load thinking of the “what if’s”.

 

 

 

Not only about my life, but with being self -employed and not having insurance…

 

 

 

 

I didn’t sleep that night.

 

 

 

On that Monday morning I went to the Dr. so that they could feel around.

 

 

 

I didn’t tell a soul. Not my parents, for fear that they would worry and what would be the point in worrying them until I knew more?

 

 

 

Not my friends, because I have strange beliefs I guess…~ to me, even when you ask someone to pray for something like that, most the time their focus is on the fear and the worry as if you already have it. I wanted to focus on the positive and the belief that it was going to be ok and I didn’t have anything.

 

 

 

The Dr. wanted a mammogram-

 

 

 

As I waited for the results, I remember being oddly still inside. My mind didn’t move- maybe in shock. Maybe because I felt if I did move, the fear would drown out the optimism I was clinging to.

 

 

 

Results inconclusive…need an ultrasound.

 

 

 

I asked the Dr if I could wait a few days to see what happened~ if it somehow, miraculously might go away.

 

 

 

She told me it was totally up to me, although she advised against it.

 

 

 

A few days lasted until today. Where I couldn’t take it anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

Where, I finally let my family know. Where I had gone for 5 weeks in constant-pain, burning and never ending. Keeping me up at night, my first greeting in the mornings.

 

 

 

I had wanted to get through Christmas…

 

I have stayed positive, kept my mind off of it as much as possible, gone out, had fun and laughed as much as I can.

 

 

 

My mom went with me to the radiologist.

 

 

 

I want to thank the woman who called me sweetheart the moment I walked in the door. Gently caressing my back as she put the small of her hand there to lead me to the room.

 

 

 

I looked at the screen as the ultrasound began.

 

 

 

Again, mind strangely still…

 

 

 

And there he was- big daddy on the screen. About 3 centimeters in diameter.  My heart stopped.

 

 

 

As she continued to move the machine around there was another and another…nine in total. She nervously laughed and said, “ No wonder you are in so much pain. I have never seen that many, that big. Those baby’s are pressing on nerves. That is what that burning pain is.”

 

 

 

She rested her hand on my hand and said- I am going straight to the radiologist to take a look at these so you don’t have to suffer and wait.

 

 

 

I was grateful for that.

 

 

 

I have had over 5 weeks of back of my mind kind of worry. Carrying around a “what if” –

 

 

 

It has made me dissect my life and relationships in ways I never have. With EYES WIDE OPEN.

 

 

 

I laid there waiting for her to come back- thinking worst and best.

 

 

 

If they come back and it is suspicious? What is the best I can take from that? What do I have in me to face that?

 

 

 

I let myself go there for a second- what if this is it? What would I do with that news?

 

 

 

The first thing I thought was this-

 

 

 

Love. I would love. Like I have always wanted to- but never let myself.

 

 

 

I would let everyone off the hook who has hurt me.

 

 

 

I would no longer take on their blame or poison- not in arrogance- but in knowing, SO WHAT! We are all trying.

 

 

 

I would give myself a break. And show more love- for my faults and my fears.

 

 

 

As I laid there- I actually felt the body sense of what I was like before life ripped me to shreds.

 

 

 

The little girl my Mother always reminds me about- pure love. No fear. No pride.

 

 

 

I let that body sense wash over me and I actually said a prayer that it wouldn’t leave me. It has been so long since I have felt that free of limitations and conditions. Of resentment and blame. Of taking on everyone else’s judgments as my own.

 

 

 

A tear fell down…then another.

 

 

 

The door slowly opened and the woman sat down.

 

 

 

She told me that the radiologist believes all nine to be complex cysts. That there was  no shadowing that could be detected- which is usually a sign of tumor activity. And the fact there were so many…

 

 

 

That coupled with the pain I have been in are good signs.

 

 

 

I could go to a surgeon and have needles put in to drain them- or…

 

 

 

 To detox completely. Of my two favorite things! Coffee and wine.

 

 

 

A super foods diet for the next two weeks- some detox herbal things…

 

 

 

And go from there. Biopsy down the road if they don’t go away or change.

 

 

 

She left me in the room to put my clothes back on. I sat there and closed my eyes. Thanking God for not only the report but also for the edge I just found myself on.

 

 

 

The edge of what it takes to make major changes in ones self. The edge that a lot of people don’t get to walk off from. I sat and thought about all the women who have lost their lives…

 

 

 

Before I left the room I decided that I am taking some time for me. To not only get myself better physically, but to heal the emotional body as well.

 

 

 

 

This has been the hardest year of my existence. And I have had one heck of a ride in my life.

 

 

 

But this year has been all about forgiveness. Tremendous pain some people have caused me.

 

 

 

But when I look at it right now? I see that the root has been I have never forgiven myself.

 

 

 

I hold such a high standard- and I take things on myself that are not mine to take. But I do anyway.

 

 

 

My Mother is the one who opened my eyes today.

 

 

 

I always saw my Mother as having sort of a Martyr archetype to her personality. So sensitive. So loving- but man, did she ever throw herself before the truck of life.

 

 

 

It was something I never wanted to be.  She has many, many more beautiful qualities I want to claim…

 

 

 

My Mother knows the things that have been hurting me lately. The broken relationships that I just can’t wrap my head around- the judgment and lack of compassion and communication.

 

 

 

 

 

I sit there, staring at a wall, trying to figure it out. And when I can’t figure it out, I try to control it. Try to fix it, with zero results. Like hitting a wall.

 

 

 

My Mother has tried to get me to stop blaming myself. And I have not listened.

 

 

Until today.

 

 

 

On the way back from the radiologist my Mom took my hand and said, “ Amy, please don’t get upset when I say this to you…but you are being ten times the Martyr that I have ever been in my life. Sometimes people do hurtful things, and you don’t have to take it all on and wonder why. Sometimes they just do.”

 

 

 

I lost it… I have never told my Mother that I felt that way about her choices or self love. I never knew it was something she was aware of in herself.

 

 

 

Here I am, 35 years into life, and my blind spot just became clearly seen.

 

 

 

I can’t put into words how grateful I am for the process of life. The chances we are given to be happy. To LOVE more. To heal.

 

 

 

I finally get it is truly about taking responsibility in life. I have always known that, but there is a big difference between knowing and feeling.

 

 

 Some of us come in with five pound weights to carry aroundJ

 

 

Some of us, like me, come in with 500 pound weights- that are not of our choosing. That were the childhood we were handed- the parents we chose, and yes, I do believe we choose our parents. I believe we choose what we want to  learn in our lives.

 

 

 

For me, it has been a road of forgiveness and acceptance. Beginning with me.

 

 

 

One thing my Parents always taught me is to have no fear in looking at myself. Have no fear in facing the shadows. Have no fear in taking responsibility and changing what needs to change.

 

 

 

I wasn’t going to share this- but getting home just now- it is the first thing I wanted to do. To write. To process…

 

 

 

To express my gratitude…

 

 

 

To shout from the roof tops-

 

 

 

THANK YOU FOR LIFE!