Back home to me.

Tue Jan 17 2012

People ask me why I have fallen so deeply, madly in love with New Orleans. How a city or a place in general could really be that moving. 

 

Well... I moved back to Nashville because I had to. My mom was struggling in her health. Intuitively I knew I needed to come back. I needed to be close to my parents. I was across the US with no ties. I loved where I lived but deeply missed my family. With that, I packed up my car and drove to Nashville. 

 

People would ask me why I moved. I would tell them, since my mom was now better at the time, that something deep inside tells me that I need to be there. Thankfully, I listened to that ‘something deep inside’, as both of my parents are now sick and I have gotten to be with them the last four years and be there for them now. 

 

So here I am. And like an arranged marriage, I have found ways to love Nashville. It is not and has never been my soulmate per say. My friends know this. My family knows this. It has taken over four years for me to make my place, take my medicine, swallow that I am here and love it. It isn’t that there is anything wrong with Nashville. At all. It just isn’t my soul match. It doesn’t get me and I don’t get it. 

 

Nashville to me is like a wine that comes from one of the best, award winning vineyards in the world. It is money. It is potential. It is already worth something. But it is brand spanking new. You open that baby up? It hasn’t fully developed. It has tinge and a tang taste to it. It is not old soul. Just my opinion. There are many things to love about it and enjoy in this city. And I find those things and that is what I focus on.

 

Then there is the day I drove over those bridges towards New Orleans. I felt it instantly. If you can believe that. I did. I knew I was coming home. My match. My perfect match. 

 

I have always marched to my own beat. I am different. In every single aspect, I am. And I try to fit in. I try to understand and I try to make my home. But at night, I lay my head down and I know I am not home. Although I am still grateful, there is a feeling that something is always missing.

 

What is it? Could be that my intuition, clairvoyance is not looked at like have three heads in New Orleans. That is a big part. I can look at a person and know. I just do. I have premonitions and have my whole life. When my friend just passed in October. She came to me in dream. With messages for four people. One was a very good friend. One was someone I knew, but not well. Two were people I didn’t know at all. She came with specific things I needed to tell each one first so that they would know it was her, not my head. I struggled and struggled with sharing it. Days passed. If I shared it, they would think I was completely nuts. If I didn’t share it, I would always feel like I let Dina down.

 

So I decided to mass message them all. I specifically told each one the first message Dina had for them, which was the proof that it was her and not me. The other messages, that came after, I gave privately. But only after receiving complete confirmation that what I had shared were things that were not only true, but things I could not have possibly ever have known. And yet, I feel to keep these things to myself. 37 years worth of experiences like this. That my dearest friends know...because they have experienced to some extent with me in their own lives. My family knows of course, because they know me. 

 

These are the kinds of things I have experienced my whole life. And to most, they cannot understand. I am always so misunderstood by at least someone. I reach out when there is a closed door because my gut tells me I have to. For lessons. Not only for me, but for them. And sometimes I get judged in ways that hurt deeply. But I have denied that inner voice in me for the sake of acceptance. And in doing so, have denied the biggest part of me.

 

 I do keep these things close to my heart. My dear friends and my family are the only exceptions. But how can you go through life with something such a part of you and have to act like it is not there to the mass people you come across? Without having a part of you suffer for it?

 

I have always held the trait in life that no matter what is going on in your heart, in your world, dance. Celebrate. If you have $10 to your name, get a glass of wine, sit and hear some music. Live in your heart. Don’t worry about tomorrow. Live today. And if you  have lost something dear to you, sing. Don’t ever let your heart stop singing. Don't ever judge a person. They are doing the best they can. They are beautiful the way they are. This has always been my heart. And the times I have judged are times I have been hurting the most. I understand on a deep level that when people judge it is because they hurt. Somewhere inside...they hurt.

 

I have been very successful over my years. I have traveled the world. I have been with the wealthiest of people. I have driven beautiful cars and lived in beautiful places. And then I have  lost it all. I have lived in my car. I have had no money to eat. There were times I could not pay my bills. I have had a car repossessed. I have lost my businesses and rebuilt again. I have been denied credit. I have rebuilt my credit. I have lived both extremes. I have had people look at me because of my success like I was a Goddess. And I have had people look at me like I was dirt because I was late on payments. I have felt the superiority that comes with money and the shame that comes with poverty.

 

This is why I identify with a city that is a fighter. A city that lives one foot in the spiritual world and one foot on the dirty pavement. A city whose music does not die with it. It's not that Nashville does not have these traits...but New Orleans is a city who allows people to BE who they are and doesn’t look down on them but says “Play that drum. Dance. No matter if you are on the beat or on your own beat.  You are welcome here.”  And the only way it is able to do that is because it is like an aged wine. It is old soul. 

 

This is why I love New Orleans. New Orleans is now an analogy for my "home". That place in me that has been buried underneath life circumstances and floods of judgment, failures, mistakes, poor planning and sometimes just misfortune. This is why now that I have found it, I will never go back to the way I was being. 

 

And though I have my lot here in Nashville, that I must stay on... I will live as myself. 100% myself. And stop a watered down version of myself so I may fit in. I will live in my “arranged marriage” and I will think of my “lover”...that brings me back to life again. That makes me feel alive and creative again and inspired. I will live where life brings me right now, but I will live as ME.

 

This is where I am at in the beginning of 2012. No longer trapped by circumstance or allowing other people’s thinking to in any way cloud my own. 

 

I am back home. To me. My New Orleans.

 

 

Comments

• Thanks for using both your talents and your transparency! Nashville is better because of it.

  Bryan 1 month ago flg

• Best piece to date...very moving. Thanks for sharing.

  Paul 1 month ago flg

• Again....I just really dig u. Ur soul is just beautiful. Thank u for sharing like u do. :)

  Melody 1 month ago flg

• Amy, nice post. Good for you! I applaud your bravery and your beautiful mind. You know, we are our own toughest critics. As much as you think you don't fit in here at times, I can assure you that you indeed do. And, as a Nashvillian, I am glad that you are living here at least for a while. If you weren't here, we would never have met, you would never have your sweet gift in Angel. She is also connecting you to New Orleans in some strange, cosmic way. Keep writing and inspiring!

  Donna 1 month ago flg

• BRAVA!! You really share yourself, experience and inspiration. I relate to being up and down in life, finances and faith to find myself again so I can just be me. Thank you for your commitment to share yourself. You ultimately find people who are not alone in ones own experiences.

  RJH 1 month ago flg

• As always, beautifully written, wonderful sharing and absolute truth in living. xoxo

  Crown Cherry 1 month ago flg

• Very good, I could feel your writing!!

  Martin 1 month ago flg

• I love it. Beautifully written. From your soul to your heart. Looks like you finally gave yourself permission to be you. :) Lovely.

  Janis 1 month ago flg

• Welcome home sister! I feel you..beautifully written.

  Jacqui 1 month ago flg

• You have it all Amy..Beautiful on both the inside and Knock Dead Gorgeous on the Earth Plane !! ♥ to read your Threads......Thank You for sharing ! Peace Out ~

  Dan 1 month ago flg

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