It was November 14th.

 

 

 

I woke up in the middle of the night with an intense pain in my left breast. Well, intense enough to wake me up. The pain radiated to underneath my arm and I could even feel it in my shoulder blade.

 

 

 

I remember drifting in and out of sleep…

 

 

 

That next morning I woke up, still in pain. So, in the shower, I decided to feel around to see if I could find the source-

 

 

 

And there I found it.

 

 

 

A lump.

 

 

I don’t know which was bigger, the lump my fingers grazed over, or the one in my throat that continued to build as I continued to feel.

 

 

 

It was the weekend, so I knew I couldn’t do anything about it.

 

 

 

But my mind went on over load thinking of the “what if’s”.

 

 

 

Not only about my life, but with being self -employed and not having insurance…

 

 

 

 

I didn’t sleep that night.

 

 

 

On that Monday morning I went to the Dr. so that they could feel around.

 

 

 

I didn’t tell a soul. Not my parents, for fear that they would worry and what would be the point in worrying them until I knew more?

 

 

 

Not my friends, because I have strange beliefs I guess…~ to me, even when you ask someone to pray for something like that, most the time their focus is on the fear and the worry as if you already have it. I wanted to focus on the positive and the belief that it was going to be ok and I didn’t have anything.

 

 

 

The Dr. wanted a mammogram-

 

 

 

As I waited for the results, I remember being oddly still inside. My mind didn’t move- maybe in shock. Maybe because I felt if I did move, the fear would drown out the optimism I was clinging to.

 

 

 

Results inconclusive…need an ultrasound.

 

 

 

I asked the Dr if I could wait a few days to see what happened~ if it somehow, miraculously might go away.

 

 

 

She told me it was totally up to me, although she advised against it.

 

 

 

A few days lasted until today. Where I couldn’t take it anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

Where, I finally let my family know. Where I had gone for 5 weeks in constant-pain, burning and never ending. Keeping me up at night, my first greeting in the mornings.

 

 

 

I had wanted to get through Christmas…

 

I have stayed positive, kept my mind off of it as much as possible, gone out, had fun and laughed as much as I can.

 

 

 

My mom went with me to the radiologist.

 

 

 

I want to thank the woman who called me sweetheart the moment I walked in the door. Gently caressing my back as she put the small of her hand there to lead me to the room.

 

 

 

I looked at the screen as the ultrasound began.

 

 

 

Again, mind strangely still…

 

 

 

And there he was- big daddy on the screen. About 3 centimeters in diameter.  My heart stopped.

 

 

 

As she continued to move the machine around there was another and another…nine in total. She nervously laughed and said, “ No wonder you are in so much pain. I have never seen that many, that big. Those baby’s are pressing on nerves. That is what that burning pain is.”

 

 

 

She rested her hand on my hand and said- I am going straight to the radiologist to take a look at these so you don’t have to suffer and wait.

 

 

 

I was grateful for that.

 

 

 

I have had over 5 weeks of back of my mind kind of worry. Carrying around a “what if” –

 

 

 

It has made me dissect my life and relationships in ways I never have. With EYES WIDE OPEN.

 

 

 

I laid there waiting for her to come back- thinking worst and best.

 

 

 

If they come back and it is suspicious? What is the best I can take from that? What do I have in me to face that?

 

 

 

I let myself go there for a second- what if this is it? What would I do with that news?

 

 

 

The first thing I thought was this-

 

 

 

Love. I would love. Like I have always wanted to- but never let myself.

 

 

 

I would let everyone off the hook who has hurt me.

 

 

 

I would no longer take on their blame or poison- not in arrogance- but in knowing, SO WHAT! We are all trying.

 

 

 

I would give myself a break. And show more love- for my faults and my fears.

 

 

 

As I laid there- I actually felt the body sense of what I was like before life ripped me to shreds.

 

 

 

The little girl my Mother always reminds me about- pure love. No fear. No pride.

 

 

 

I let that body sense wash over me and I actually said a prayer that it wouldn’t leave me. It has been so long since I have felt that free of limitations and conditions. Of resentment and blame. Of taking on everyone else’s judgments as my own.

 

 

 

A tear fell down…then another.

 

 

 

The door slowly opened and the woman sat down.

 

 

 

She told me that the radiologist believes all nine to be complex cysts. That there was  no shadowing that could be detected- which is usually a sign of tumor activity. And the fact there were so many…

 

 

 

That coupled with the pain I have been in are good signs.

 

 

 

I could go to a surgeon and have needles put in to drain them- or…

 

 

 

 To detox completely. Of my two favorite things! Coffee and wine.

 

 

 

A super foods diet for the next two weeks- some detox herbal things…

 

 

 

And go from there. Biopsy down the road if they don’t go away or change.

 

 

 

She left me in the room to put my clothes back on. I sat there and closed my eyes. Thanking God for not only the report but also for the edge I just found myself on.

 

 

 

The edge of what it takes to make major changes in ones self. The edge that a lot of people don’t get to walk off from. I sat and thought about all the women who have lost their lives…

 

 

 

Before I left the room I decided that I am taking some time for me. To not only get myself better physically, but to heal the emotional body as well.

 

 

 

 

This has been the hardest year of my existence. And I have had one heck of a ride in my life.

 

 

 

But this year has been all about forgiveness. Tremendous pain some people have caused me.

 

 

 

But when I look at it right now? I see that the root has been I have never forgiven myself.

 

 

 

I hold such a high standard- and I take things on myself that are not mine to take. But I do anyway.

 

 

 

My Mother is the one who opened my eyes today.

 

 

 

I always saw my Mother as having sort of a Martyr archetype to her personality. So sensitive. So loving- but man, did she ever throw herself before the truck of life.

 

 

 

It was something I never wanted to be.  She has many, many more beautiful qualities I want to claim…

 

 

 

My Mother knows the things that have been hurting me lately. The broken relationships that I just can’t wrap my head around- the judgment and lack of compassion and communication.

 

 

 

 

 

I sit there, staring at a wall, trying to figure it out. And when I can’t figure it out, I try to control it. Try to fix it, with zero results. Like hitting a wall.

 

 

 

My Mother has tried to get me to stop blaming myself. And I have not listened.

 

 

Until today.

 

 

 

On the way back from the radiologist my Mom took my hand and said, “ Amy, please don’t get upset when I say this to you…but you are being ten times the Martyr that I have ever been in my life. Sometimes people do hurtful things, and you don’t have to take it all on and wonder why. Sometimes they just do.”

 

 

 

I lost it… I have never told my Mother that I felt that way about her choices or self love. I never knew it was something she was aware of in herself.

 

 

 

Here I am, 35 years into life, and my blind spot just became clearly seen.

 

 

 

I can’t put into words how grateful I am for the process of life. The chances we are given to be happy. To LOVE more. To heal.

 

 

 

I finally get it is truly about taking responsibility in life. I have always known that, but there is a big difference between knowing and feeling.

 

 

 Some of us come in with five pound weights to carry aroundJ

 

 

Some of us, like me, come in with 500 pound weights- that are not of our choosing. That were the childhood we were handed- the parents we chose, and yes, I do believe we choose our parents. I believe we choose what we want to  learn in our lives.

 

 

 

For me, it has been a road of forgiveness and acceptance. Beginning with me.

 

 

 

One thing my Parents always taught me is to have no fear in looking at myself. Have no fear in facing the shadows. Have no fear in taking responsibility and changing what needs to change.

 

 

 

I wasn’t going to share this- but getting home just now- it is the first thing I wanted to do. To write. To process…

 

 

 

To express my gratitude…

 

 

 

To shout from the roof tops-

 

 

 

THANK YOU FOR LIFE!

 

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